Finding The Heart
by Tree Wyrm
Summary: Zaeed isn't the nicest person to have around. Cerberus were determined to have him as part of Shepard's crew so she put up with him. He was never too stable but something pushes him over the edge and Shepard has to find a way to pull him back. MA content!
1. Chapter 1  Vices

12 Feb 2011

~ Finding The Heart ~

Vices

Disclaimer: the characters in this story are the intellectual property of Bioware, not mine.

WARNING: Rated for MA for future chapters (although I haven't written them yet). 16yrs+ readers only please. Foul language, adult concepts, violence.

Author note: I've purposefully tried not to describe Shepard too much, after all, fans of Mass Effect will each have their own versions of Shepard, so I leave those parts up to your imagination.

* * *

Shepard drew a deep breath. This was _not _a conversation she'd rather be having with such a 'loose cannon' on her own, but it had to be done. _Not alone_ – she reminded herself – _EDI will be watching._ Still, the AI's attentive monitoring did not comfort her. She was fairly confident of her own abilities – there was nothing this man could do to her unless she slipped up and let him get too close, and even then she had ways of getting out of tight spots. It was more that she didn't _want_ to have to deal with that kind of reaction. He'd only embarrass himself, and further deteriorate, and she _needed_ him, god damn it. _I need him on top of this, functional, and able to put his skills to use on my command._ She sighed and let the breath go as she pressed the door panel to enter.

Zaeed was leaning against the far worktop in his usual prose, fingering a pistol and clip in his hands. Normally he'd be cleaning something – he was as meticulous as Jason was when it came to looking after his weapons, Zaeed was a _lot_ more attached to them. He never seemed to throw them away, keeping them as trophies, memories of times gone by, naming them with sentimental attachment because... _why? Because these are perhaps the only things in his life that have stayed with him? Stayed loyal? _ She pitied him.

"Evening Shepard." He spoke in response to her presence, having never lifted his head. At least his senses were sharp. More than she expected when she eyed the near empty bottle of real whiskey and the shot glass next to it.

"Zaeed." She nodded, with a careful measure of respect but a tone in her voice that commanded his attention. _I'll not have drunken tantrums on __my__ ship thank you very much._ The thought of becoming so dependent upon a substance disgusted her. Sure, people had vices, but she didn't have to like that in anyone. A person with a vice could be manipulated, and she could simply no longer afford that vulnerability – not in a member of her crew. Not when the Reapers had an expansive intelligence network and a mind to exploit such weaknesses. Shepard, for her own part, did not _have_ vices. She had made a principle of it, ever since she saw what that kind of weakness could do to a person, when she lost a dear friend because they chose that vice over their friendship. _I'm wasting my time here too, but I have to try..._

Zaeed continued his ministrations, making Shepard uneasy. There was something about the way he caressed the gun that frankly disturbed her. Something was off, he was unhinged in some way. Whatever it was that had been getting to him was obviously coming to a head right as she walked in the door.

"So... you've come to give me a good telling-off I take it, put me to rights about my little _habit_ there." He motioned to the bottle with a tilt of his head and shift of an elbow, never taking his eyes off the weapon. His jaw was tense. Shepard noticed how he didn't take a breath. She could sense his anger even without these cues, a seething hatred that permeated the air and left it biting cold. If this had been anyone other than crew, in any other place in any other situation, she'd have dismissed reasoning with him as being utterly pointless (and likely life-threatening) and left him to it, but she _had _to try. It was that or turf him off the ship. Clearly he wanted to say more, perhaps he was going to tell her a morbid story – he _always_ had a story...

"I take it that means yes. So. Who told?" He lifted his eyes but not his face to Shepard, glaring at her from under furrowed brows with a toothy, aggressive grin. "Who do I have to thank for this little visit? Kelly with her 'I'm here to help you' counsellor bullshit? Miranda miss-high-and-mighty? Or did I just look at someone funny at breakfast?" He tilted his head with that last question, smirking sinisterly.

Sure. He wasn't going to make this easy. _Why would you ever think otherwise._ "Actually none and all of the above. With regards to breakfast, I hardly consider lifting Jackson's tray into his face then planting Gardner's face into Jacob's chicken salad 'looking at someone funny' Zaeed. So why don't we cut the crap, and pretend that this is a conversation where you tell me _exactly_ what is getting under your skin and why, then we deal with it, move on, and get back to real business again."

"Hmph. '_I'm sorry_'." There was an awkward pause, "That what I'm supposed to say? But you know the way you describe what happens makes it sound so _funny_ that I _almost_ feel like going back up there and doing it again." He laughed, it wasn't a nice laugh. It was the kind of laugh that came from a sadistic bastard right before he cut off your finger... But there's no way in Hell Shepard is about to get intimidated by _him_. She downright _refused_ to give him that pleasure.

"Cut the crap Zaeed." Pushing this man, this obviously mentally unstable man, was probably not a sensible thing. But it was the only way to get to the bottom of this.

Zaeed got up and stormed over to her, eyes so fierce he could have been back at that refinery on Zorya the day she forced him to let Vido go. His finger (clip held in the fist that accompanied it) jabbed the air close to her nose whilst the arm with the gun waved around to the other side of her head as he snarled: "Why don't _YOU_ cut the crap, Shepard. Enough with this 'I care – share' bloody rubbish. I expect it from Chambers, not from you!"

"Zaeed." Shepard levelled her eyes with the mercenary, which meant looking up a little, "Either you're going to tell me what is going on so we can fix this, or we're going to have a _problem._"

"Don't play this like you want to bury your nose in my business because all you're going to do is get burned! If you think I'm trouble you should throw me off this ship at next port, I'll take my money and leave. If you figure you need me, then you put up with me and stop wasting my time coming down here, and giving me grief about things that're none of your goddamned business!"

Shepard was breaking her own rules. His face was within 5 inches of hers – _way too close for safety._ She could smell the overbearing stench of alcohol on his breath. But she did have the door at her back. Unfortunately she was getting too angry herself to want to use it, no matter what transpired. _I'll put you out and drag you to the infirmary if I have to..._

"Oh I'll go one better than that. You start talking or I space you." _I'm only half-bluffing._

"You wouldn't _dare._" He squinted his eyes at her.

"I've killed people for less." Shepard shrugged.

"So what? What the Hell difference does it make if I have a little drink now n' then?"

Obviously he'd had a little more to drink than he could normally take and stay focused in an argument, or he wouldn't say something so blatantly flawed. He was looking for a fight but he was being far too straight forward about it.

"I'll explain that again in more detail shall I? With the knowledge you have, I can't take the risk that you'll spill it out to the highest bidder. You're on this ship at my discretion, and you're not _leaving_ it until your contract is fulfilled or I put you in a coffin. Now if you would rather I put you in a coffin sooner, you just keep on going Mr Massani because you're walking a _fine_ line."

He launched at her – another sign of his condition because he was trying to use the gun as a bludgeon instead of what it was designed for - she blocked the blow but it was too close not to knock her backwards. He pinned her to the wall. "Now you pay attention to _me _lil' girl!" He didn't notice the knife she'd pulled and now had poised at a weak point in his side. She'd only use it if he forced her hand, but it was ready nonetheless. "I'm not taking orders from anyone: what I do with my own body in my own time is my own goddamn business!" His words were starting to slur, and his voice was less than stable now. "An' you best stay out o' my way if you know what's good for you."

Seeing such a proud man in this state was embarrassing. He wreaked of alcohol. Still... Some part of her pitied him, and she was reminded of the friend she lost so long ago, the one she failed to help. _No. It was his problem. He wouldn't deal with it. I couldn't do anything. I did my best but I couldn't do anything. Friendship can only go so far. But damn it I __need__ this bastard. I'd have walked away by now if I didn't. Too many enemies and too few heroes... Hell maybe I wasn't kidding about spacing him but..._

"Bare in mind I've got a knife ready to bleed you if you don't give an honest answer: _why_ are you pushing people away? What is it you're trying so hard not to let me see?"

The mental trick seemed to work. His self preservation instincts prickled at the realisation of the knife, and the anger momentarily subsided. "I'm tired..." He began, then letting go of her he stumbled backwards, as if winded. "I'm tired of _living_ Shepard. I've been around long enough to know that everything ends. Nothing stays with you 'til the end. Best you can do is make it an end at a time and place of your choosing."

_Jesus __that's__ what he was doing with the pistol... _ Cold settled in her stomach. Zaeed was never a man she would expect would ever take his own life – he was just too hell bent on surviving for that. _What did this to him?_

"So, what? You were just going to shoot yourself in the head, leave me a man down and a mess to clean up in the cargo bay?"

"What's it mean to _you_ anyhow? Huh? I'm just a gun for hire." He sounded pitiful, waving the gun in the air and shaking his head, "My best years are behind me. I..." He turned away and caught the desk where he then stared at his weapons. Either she scared some sobriety into him, or the alcohol was starting to wear off. "I..." He paused, remaining silent for a painfully long time. "Thanks Shepard. I think... I want to be left alone awhile." He swallowed and cleared his throat as he hoarsely added: "I'll... take some time, think it over. You can leave now." His voice was calm, although beaten. He was dismissing her, but she was pretty sure she'd made her point. He slumped a little.

Shepard couldn't help but feel a touch of sorrow. She shelved her frustration and walked over to him, gingerly placing a hand on his shoulder. "Hey." She leaned around his shoulder to see his face and smirked in her own cheerful way. "Just because I'll space you if I can't have you without that bottle doesn't mean I don't need you, and wouldn't rather have you with us. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate this is going to take some time either. But I expect you to see Dr Chakwas at 09:00 tomorrow morning regardless how bad your head hurts, and she's going to help. In the mean time, if you need to talk, or want to talk, even if its just to tell me some more of your stories you know where to find me alright?"

Zaeed nodded, that was all. He let out this huge long sigh and just nodded. Shepard decided then to leave, to afford the man a little dignity.

* * *

Author note:

The point of this story as I write it is that for every action there is an equal and oposite reaction, and psychological coping mechanism are complex. Even the craziest bad-ass has a reason behind who they are, how they behave, and the decisions they make. Sometimes an exceptional person entering their life can tip the balance, for good or for ill.


	2. Chapter 2  The Russian Doll

13/02/2011

~ Finding The Heart ~

The Russian Doll

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the intellectual property of Bioware, not mine.

WARNING: Rated for MA for future chapters (even though I haven't written them yet – they could very well be). 16yrs+ readers only please. Foul language, adult concepts.

Author note: I've purposefully tried not to describe Shepard too much, after all, fans of Mass Effect will each have their own versions of Shepard, so I leave those parts up to your imagination.

* * *

Shepard reviewed her messages. She was thinking about Zaeed, just as she had done all night. It had been a long time since she'd found herself in this kind of position. It was easy enough to deal with people failing themselves (the way Zaeed was failing himself) when they were not in any way close to her. But Zaeed was crew, and damn it all if she didn't _always_ grow attached to crew. She'd tried to keep her distance from this mercenary though – never too fond of people who killed for money. Thane was an interesting comparison, but he was so well grounded and to him it was not a means to money it was always fulfilling someone else's needs – that was his job and he had a kindness to him and a sense of right and wrong. Zaeed on the other hand, was only in it only for himself, and he'd made that very clear on a number of occasions.

She was relieved to note that this morning Zaeed had indeed made it to the infirmary. _Maybe there's hope for him yet, _she scowled. She considered the prospect of hope, then quickly dismissed it. _Don't get your hopes up. Rare for someone to make it back out of this kind of problem, especially as at the moment you can't distract him with "point and shoot" instructions. It's been too quiet – whole __crew__ is getting itchy feet._ Just as she was musing over the prospect of _wanting _ trouble, trouble it seems, came looking for her (in a manner of speaking). Her door beeped.

"Who is it EDI?"

"Mr Massani is here to see you. Do you want me to permit him to enter?"

Shepard sighed and checked to see if there was anything she did not want visible on her console to visitors and closed down anything she was working on that could not be accomplished with distractions. "Yes, go ahead EDI – thank you."

"Shepard." He announced quietly as his footsteps approached her back – he stopped a meter or so away. She didn't look up from her console, only motioning for him to go and sit down in the seated area with the coffee table, maintaining the pretence that she was very busy, and things were business as usual. He hesitated for a moment, then the sound of armour and boots followed her directions.

"Zaeed." She acknowledged without missing a keystroke as she shifted a couple of documents from her console to her portable pad, "Visit to Dr Chakwas?"

"You already _know_ I've been." _Taking that tone with me is not going to score you points, Mr Massani._

"Progress?" Transfer complete, she laboriously keyed the console to close a few windows at a time – various other documents she would have to attend to later – working her way towards closing her access to the terminal.

"Meds – pills and n' injection. Says my liver needs a rest." She could hear the dark humour in his voice, she knew the smirk he'd be wearing.

"Good. Anything else I should know?" She timed the question with the power-down key stroke of her console as she turned around and glanced at him through the glass between her models. She knew he'd spot the movement. He took a deep breath and let it go.

There was a long pause. "...Yeah." Another aching sigh was let out. "Look. Shepard." He stared at his hands with his shoulders slumped as she grabbed the pad and rounded the corner of her model display. She had expected as much: the first words out of his mouth were going to be defensive. She approached him casually and sat on the sofa a few feet away. She scrutinised him with an even stare, waiting on his words. "This isn't easy. I've spent 10yrs with little more than a bottle and a gun to keep me company. Before that? Hell I never realised it, but life wasn't really that much better... I just _thought_ it was."

_OK... I'll give a little if you give a little._ "You've had a lot of bad people in your life. A lot of betrayal." Shepard acknowledged patiently, with a measured tone of sympathy – too much and he'd likely storm out.

Zaeed chuckled, "Bad people? Hell Shepard I _am _'bad people'. I'm as bad as you ever dreamed a man could be and still be sane." He did _so_ seem to enjoy toying with her righteous attitude. On the brighter side at least it was a sign he was seemingly getting back to himself if he was able to make 'I'm a badass' jokes again.

Shepard raised an eyebrow with just a hint of a smile as she rolled her eyes and said: "Sure. Rotten to the core if you want to call yourself that. It makes no difference." She shook her head, then purposefully sobered her expression back to her logical, emotionless facade. "It's always going to be hard fitting into a crew like this. Doesn't make it any easier that I run this ship tight, and I expect everyone to look out for each other."

"Yeah..." He gusted. "Not really used to 'avin' someone 'ave my back Shepard. Last time I let someone do that he paid six of _my_ men to restrain me while he put a gun t' my head n' pulled the trigger."

"Vido is not someone _I _would have ever trusted at _my_ back. But I _need_ to be able to trust you, Zaeed." _I can be high and mighty about that, because I'm damned right._

"If I've got such bad judgement, then what the hell should I do about deciding if I should trust you to do the same, eh?"

"For starters I saved your ass on Zorya despite the fact that you lied to me about the mission, and despite the fact that on that day you proved you could sometimes cause more trouble than you were worth."

"That just makes you naive or stupid." He scowled at her under furrowed brows.

"No it makes me an excellent commander. I know when you are useful, I know when you are not, but I _always_ give members of my crew a chance to demonstrate the former even if they demonstrate the latter first." Shepard sighed. "I know Cerberus has had me picking up a lot of strong personalities – it's naive of them to think I can work miracles and make everyone get along. Just look at Miranda and Jack." She shook her head. "I won't lie to you – I did _not _want you on my crew. Not one bit. But I took you onboard 'for the cause', and because I still felt like I owed the Illusive Man a little leeway and should humour him on his choices, at least at the beginning. We're _all _in it 'for the cause'. _But..._ If we're going to meet that cause head-on and make a difference, we _have_ to work together. That means trust. That means I also get to stick my nose in where it isn't wanted, because it's my job to get to the bottom of things."

"Don't appreciate people interfering with my life..." Zaeed sneered.

"I'm not giving you the choice. Now you either talk to Chambers, or you talk to me. Whatever it is that is driving you to act the way you have been the past month or so has got to come to an end."

Shepard sat there in silence, waiting on the man to respond. She was, to put it bluntly, rather surprised he'd not had some smart-ass comeback to that. When she realised what he was working up to, she could barely believe it. It had been a long time since someone this deep in trouble had chosen _her_ to bear that burden with them. Truth be told a part of her didn't want him to, she didn't want to know. _People have to help themselves – Tali, Garrus, Samara? Those are people smart enough to learn that, so I am able and willing to help them. But you? You remind me too much of someone who doesn't want to take responsibility for himself. But I guess I have to give you at least one chance to prove to me you can be more than that. _So she gave him time, watched as he stared at the glass of the fishtank hard enough to burn a hole in it, watched as he breathed laboured breaths and observed the clenching and unclenching of his jaw. One hand was curled around the fist of the other as he sat resting his elbows on his knees in contemplation. Slowly his face relaxed a little, and he started talking.

"I wasn't always like this, y'know." He started softly, "But life can make a man hard when he has no options left to him." Shepard leaned back against the sofa and relaxed. It seemed to be his way of detaching himself from things past: telling them like a story. She knew if she stayed silent, he'd slip into a sort of trance as he spilled out the answers to her questions as a narrative. Sure enough he continued. _Let's see if anything interesting turns up, and how you deal with it._

"Terminus systems – what a shithole to try to raise a family. Dunno what my parents ever expected of me, dragging me around like unwanted baggage. By the time I was 17 I'd carved out my _own_ way of taking care o' myself. I was big enough and tough enough to take people my own age down easy enough. I discovered force was a good way to get what you want. Never had much conscience 'bout it either. Vido was _always_ my wingman. Had been since he was 12 and I was 16. We were neighbours, see. Anyway, he'd set 'em up and I'd knock 'em down. Folks started to fear us, others wanted to join us – wasn't long before we'd got bodies to spare. _Delegation_ Vido called it –" Zaeed chuckled, "– give them the shit to do, take most of the winnings for ourselves." Zaeed had a sadistic grin on his face. Shepard refrained from shaking her head disapprovingly.

"Had our choice of girls, too, of course. _Bad boys_... What they say about women wantin' what ain't good for them certainly rings true in my experience. Like moths to a flame. Stringin' along several at a time..."

_When did this turn into reminiscing about sexual conquests? Seriously, what makes him think I'd __ever__ want to know these things?_

"...and of course the richer we got the more choices we had. Occasionally we'd get other gangs who o' course didn't like the fact we were getting all the action – both on the field and off. They'd come at us and we'd take 'em out, recruit anyone fast enough to swear their allegiance to us, kill the rest – less trouble that way." Shepard again tried to hide her gut reaction, and hoped he didn't catch that little flit of her eyes as they tried to roll. Thankfully he was well-set into his storytelling now. She wondered if he'd notice if she got up and made herself some coffee. If the story was going to continue like this she might just need it. _How did I end up in this position? _ She asked herself as he continued. _Why couldn't he chose Kelly? Why the hell did I even give him the option of telling me all this?_

"But they say in every man's life there comes a time when a woman gets under his skin and messes him up."

_Wait. What?_

"I guess you could say that happened to me." Zaeed's voice took on a softer tone, quieter. "Pretty little thing she was. I used her, same as I did the others. But she... She had this tenderness, see?" He raised his eyebrows and pulled an expression Shepard had never seen before. He was – heaven forbid – almost smiling, but it was a gentle smile and that's what made it unprecedented. "After a while," he continued, "I started to notice things, little things about her. She'd have bare cupboards if I checked, but when I dropped by she'd have a proper meal for me to eat. 'How was your day darling?' she'd ask."

His smile was kind as he stared at the floor in recollection of the memory. Shepard looked at this aging bounty hunter. Just for that moment she thought she could see a different man altogether – perhaps it was the shadow the man Zaeed could have been. Her stomach tingled as if she'd just witnessed some amazing magic trick, and she was left just as baffled.

"'_Don't know what you've got 'til it's gone_, right? Don't I know that all... too... well." He shook his head and rubbed at his eyes, wrinkling his nose. The smile faded. "Somehow she'd clung to my life for a year or two, and s'pose you could say we were 'stable'. I'd stopped seeing other girls behind her back – I just... lost interest in them n' I didn't know why. For the first and only time in my _life_ I can honestly say I felt like the more I gave? The more I got in return. Hell... I'm not sure if I ever considered marrying her, not back then, but by God I should 'av. But I was young, n' I was stupid, _and_ I was cocky - that much ain't changed. But by that time me n' Vido were getting close to founding the Blue Suns, so we were making no few enemies winning contracts left, right and centre. Never seemed to catch us up to us though: we took 'em all on, and we took 'em all out. We were invincible."

Shepard watched as his face turned cold and pale. His fingers now laced to form a moustache across his mouth. Beads of sweat started to form on his forehead, and for her part she had a sick feeling in her stomach as she anticipated what was coming after the huge sigh he let out.

"They got to her." His eyes widened as he spoke, "Another gang, I mean." He flinched a nod of his head in Shepard's direction when he caught the fact he'd not explained. "I was gonna tell her the news that we were starting the Blue Suns that evening and I was gonna get her out of that damp-ridden apartment and somewhere bigger that very weekend. Plan was I'd give her a stable income. Plan was – I don't know – that I'd _keep_ her. But when I showed up at her apartment with a bottle of wine, turning the corridor I got this whiff of smoke and burning furniture." He almost spat as he spoke, and clenched his fist as he snarled. "I dropped the bottle and ran flat out. Door wouldn't open, and I damn near fried myself kickin' it open. The pressure difference threw me back against the wall like a rag doll, knocked me cold. Somebody dragged me outta the place. When I came to on the concrete I stared up at the block as the whole place _burned_..." Zaeed's eyes glistened, and the rims reddened as he whispered, staring off into the memory: "There was nothing... nothing but flames..." He shook his head slowly from side to side.

The sight of this man as he was now, could be described in one word: broken. Shepard found herself wanting to reach for the man's hand. She could see the pain in his eyes – the anger and overwhelming sorrow. _But... surely this was years ago? Why is it messing him up now..?_

"For _years_ I wondered if I'd tried to make it through the flames if I'd have been able to save her. The whole place was scorched to ashes and me damn near with it. Not a trace of anything left. I couldn't go to the police – I was a wanted man and they had no few crooked coppas working for the older gangs that it would've been stupid to go to _them_. There was nobody to answer the question of if she had been there – the residents had scattered. All witnesses disappeared. But Vido got a message the day later, sayin' that it was payback and a warning not to mess with the Demon Maw gang. At least then I knew why all the witnesses fled like rats from a sinkin' ship. They were our last and biggest rivals – the Demon Maws - and they had a long-standing reputation of makin' sure nobody who saw them do their dirty work _dared_ tell about it. Normally 'cause they were dead. Those sons of bitches had gone through _her_ to get to me. When Vido read the things they said they'd done to her before they burned her my blood _boiled_ n' I went fucking beserk! Vido pulled me together and got me moving, and the pair of us hunted them down and killed every last one of them – _slowly, _one by one_._" He snarled, and grinned a horrid smile at the memory. Shepard felt ill – she _knew_ what that likely meant.

"There wasn't a chance she could 'av escaped. Not a chance. They burned her _alive._" He sank his face into his hands. "After that I swore I'd never have anyone close to me who couldn't take down 20 armed men on their own – man, woman, or alien." He shook his head and shrugged. "I used prostitutes for anything else I needed. I got _mean_. Vido and me we got the Blue Suns started and in the months that followed I threw myself into getting the band up and running. It was a lotta work. I didn't mope. I just got even against the world. I took it out on every son-of-a-bitch that stood in my way and I _enjoyed_ my work. Enjoyed it ever since." Zaeed let out this growling sigh. "I'd be lying if I said I had even the slightest inkling of what she really meant to me back then. Rage is a _hell_ of an anaesthetic."

_So this is what it takes to make a monster. Poor bastard, no wonder he's such an asshole... It's what he comes from. But now I'm wondering: how much of this was a path he chose, and how much of it was a path that had been laid out before him to follow..? God sometimes you have a sick sense of humour, you know that right?_

"Zaeed..." Shepard began, assuming this was the end of the story as he had stopped speaking and now looked at her with a haunted expression, "I don't know if anyone knows about all this except Vido but... I think I understand. Give it some time and I think..." _you and I could be friends. You don't have to get past this on your own. So she meant more to you than you realised, and you regret you didn't do more to appreciate it at the time. Sometimes life just doesn't give you a chance..._ Was what she was going to say but he cut her off, a look of maddening desperation on his face as his voice faltered with the venom in it as he spoke:

"No you _don't_ understand!" Shepard was frozen to the spot by the fact that now he was staring straight at her. "Here on the Normandy, no would-be competitors to shoot, no whores to fuck and less easy access to liquor than I'd like _I_ started thinking. Started thinkin' about the day she died again. Shear fucking boredom got me using EDI to hunt for information. That AI should be a fucking detective. It was just news reports from the time, things like that at first. Then the more I looked at it the more things _didn't _add up." He raised a hand and clenched it into a fist. "There had been reports that the fire had spread and there had been people escaping the apartment complex, but when I saw one particular piece of footage shot by a passerby of a woman being rushed into an ambulance my heart stopped beating. It was _her_ Shepard. I was_ sure_."

He got up and started pacing back and forth, arms gesturing agitatedly. "After I'd done some digging around, I finally tracked down one of the neighbours. After some persuasion I got him to talk to me. Turns out one of the other neighbours heard what was happening. Too much of a Goddamned coward to do anything about it as they raped her, but he waited for the gang to leave then rushed into the apartment to find her, and took her to the hospital."

His eyes watered, "She was _alive_ Shepard! All this time _I_ never knew!" He technically _was_ smiling as he leaned down towards Shepard, but if this story had a happy ending that smile was far too crazy for to believe it. The man was getting seriously unhinged, and part of Shepard was getting unhinged with him. "At first I couldn't believe it. Then it hit me hard – like a rail transit bus to the face at 100 mph – how much she'd meant to me. How much she could _still_ mean to me. Remember we took leave? Well I went to find her." Shepard recalled the brief leave she had afforded the crew, and she remembered how unusually cheerful Zaeed had been that day.

He paced away again, stopped when he reached the fish rank, back turned. His shoulders slumped, and his head dropped. Shepard had to strain to hear the low mumbling of his voice from where she sat: "I don't _know..._ what I wanted..." He shook his head. "To say sorry? When we took out the Demon Maws it was big news, and our reputation hit the headlines – we had to get off-world. Thinking she was dead I wanted to get as far away from that place as possible anyway. Other side of the damned galaxy if I could have had it my way, but the Alliance would have been out to get us following the police reports. I never knew I left her Shepard! Maybe I still would have had to leave to save my own skin back then but, damn it when I found out she survived all I wanted to do was... to go back to her."

He looked as though he'd just gone weak at the knees. He reached out an arm and braced himself against the fish tank as he smacked his head into it. "I went to find her." He continued, his voice was much, much quieter now. Shepard slowly rose to her feet and drew closer to hear, watching him closely as he explained: "I _found_ her alright. I found her _grave..._" He paused to let go a deep, agonising sigh and his voice shook as he spoke. "She'd married someone ten years after I left. Died of some beggar's disease round about the time you n' me went to Zorya. Zorya! While _I_ was hunting Vido down _she_ lay dying in a hospital. I don't know if I could have been that man she married. But I.." Shepard was sure she heard the hitched breath of a sob, "Maybe I... Maybe I could have been a different _man_. But I'll never know the man I could've been. I missed my chance."

Shepard found her own eyes were watering. It all made sense now – the bad attitude, the spitefulness, the anger he seemed to wear like a protective cocoon, and lately his loss of control over his drinking. She found she couldn't speak either. He was such an arrogant, confident son-of-a-bitch she had really wanted to punch him on occasion. But... He was also a survivor, and she's had the impression that when it came down to it, _nothing_ could break his will to survive. There was something heart-wrenching and humbling about seeing someone like Zaeed fall to pieces, like this.

"Damn it -" Zaeed's fist slammed into the bulkhead between the fishtank and her armour design panel, making Shepard's heart skip a beat. "Damn it I need a drink..."

She was almost afraid to see what she would find if he turned his face to her, but she wanted to ease the pain. She'd felt so helpless trying to reassure Tali when they'd found her father dead. She really wasn't good at this, not really. She reached out her hand and laid it on his arm.

"I don't want your pity!" He yelled as he yet again grabbed hold of her and threw her against the nearest wall – the glass of the fish tank. But the look on her face must have caught him by surprise. Hell she was surprised herself that she didn't react at all to his motion to grab her. She simply remained still, and slowly raised her hand to rest on his forearm gently. She hurt for the absence of words, and she couldn't think of any to fill the void. All she could think of to say was...

"What _do_ you want?" She asked quietly, her pulse ringing in her ears as she knew she was blushing as she frowned at him. Somewhere at the very back of her mind there was a little voice asking: _ask yourself the same question. _She stared at him soberly.

"I..." He started as he stopped holding her so tightly. "I don't know..." He swallowed. "He began, then shook his head dismissively. "What game are you playing Shepard?"

"No games." Her voice was low and serious, but soft and quiet. She sucked her tongue and swallowed. He had to think about that as he tried to second guess her meaning, as did she. Slowly he leaned towards her. She didn't flinch. Her eyes slid half-closed as she was absorbed by the sensation of his warm breath against her cheek. She turned her face towards his and her nose brushed against his. His lips were _so_ close she could almost taste them. His hand hovered next to her neck, his thumb ever so gently brushed the base of her jaw just under her ear, like he was afraid to touch her. _Oh god... I can't breathe..._

He cleared his throat and swallowed. "I'm sorry... Shepard..." He whispered huskily and pulled back. "I didn't meant to..." He shook his head, eyes wide in shock. "I... I better go." With that he practically ran for the door. Shepard was too stunned to move, her own shock too deep-rooted in her larynx for it to work. _It's alright Zaeed... You didn't do anything wrong... _She mouthed as the door shut behind him. She wanted to go after him, but her conscience sternly told her off and warned her not to. _Leave him be. The poor guy is messed up enough without you messing him up even more – you don't even know what __your__ intentions are in this! Whatever this is..._

She scolded herself when she eventually caught her breath and moved away from where she had been pinned over to the sofa. She dropped her head into her hands. "What the hell am I _doing_?" she growled into her palms. She heard the telltale sound that gave away EDI once again being confused as to whether or not Shepard was talking to her or herself. When Shepard did not respond to the silence, the telltale sound chimed again as EDI had decided she was not being summoned. Poor EDI. _She tries so hard._

"You're learning EDI." She thought she should grace the AI at least with an acknowledgement of that. The noise of EDI connecting to the com channel chimed again:

"Thank you Shepard. Is there anything else?"

"No that will be all EDI. Just wanted to let you know you're making progress." _Mind on other things, and quickly._ She told herself.

"It _is _difficult to know for certain whether you are addressing me or yourself, but your latest suggestion appears to be working well. There have been no oversights of questions you have directed towards me that have gone unanswered, and 98% of responses to vocal enquiries since implementing your last advice have been deemed appropriate."

_Then again, all I'm going to do is get frustrated if I talk to EDI while I've got this at the back of my mind..._

"Certainly an improvement EDI." _Now all we have to do is either stop me from knowing when you're about to engage a response and don't, or get you to stop picking up when I'm talking to myself at all... _

"Do you have any more suggestions on how I can further improve my personal relations with you and other crew members on this matter? The sample size is I believe now sufficient for conclusions to be drawn about your last suggestion, and I am ready to run new tests."

_And also teach you when to drop a subject..._

"None that I can think of right _now_ EDI. But I will let you know when I think of something. That'll be all for now." She tried not to sound too forceful in that last sentence, but EDI did perhaps correctly assess the tone.

"Logging you out, Shepard." She almost sounded remorseful... _Damn it when did I start worrying about hurting the __ship's__ feelings on top of everything else?_

With EDI gone Shepard thought about the event that just transpired and tried to clear her thoughts. Well the simplest thing was to start with the obvious: admitting that she was attracted to the man. However 'why' that would be now, when it had never happened before... _Well... when did it happen, and what happened running up to it?_ She skimmed her memory, but she was pretty certain that this pretty much started with today. If she found him physically attractive before that, it was too heartily outweighed by her loathing for his character. Indeed... _That's what's changed, isn't it?_ She thought to herself, _I've seen a different side to him. I can't just dismiss him as that asshole bounty hunter Cerberus had me pick up and dump in the port cargo hold anymore._.. _There's more to him than all that bluster, that's what my instincts are telling me now, isn't it? He's like a bloody Russian doll and I want to find the Zaeed at the core of it all don't I?_ Shepard face palmed, _yes you sure do know how to land yourself in trouble don't you?_

_

* * *

_Profuse apologies for taking the last chapter down and putting it back up again. I'm out of practice! I forgot to change the date and info at the top, plus a few other things. I promise I'll try to be a better perfectionist before publishing the next chapters._  
_


	3. Chapter 3 It's a Deal

19th Feb 2011

~ Finding The Heart ~

It's A Deal

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the intellectual property of Bioware, not mine.

WARNING: Rated for MA for future chapters (even though I haven't written them yet – they could very well be). 16yrs+ readers only please. Foul language, adult concepts.

Author note: I've purposefully tried not to describe Shepard too much, after all, fans of Mass Effect will each have their own versions of Shepard, so I leave those parts up to your imagination.

* * *

Shepard had _not_ slept well. She wasn't sure if it was fear, courage or presence of mind that had prevented her from going to see Zaeed after he scurried out of her quarters yesterday. Regardless her subconscious had kept her tossing and turning all night. Thoughts of his story had melded into dream, dreams of her being one of the characters in it, images of his pained expressions and various replays with alternative endings to their conversation... Of course in _one_ of them he had kissed her. She sighed and hugged her coffee, breathing in the steam as if it were the oxygen upon which she depended. _Damn I just can't stop thinking about it, about him..._ She shook her head with disappointment. _This is ridiculous._

She'd gone over Chakwas' report on Zaeed again this morning just to refresh her memory. If she was going to be stuck thinking about him she might as well try to direct it towards doing something useful. _Kicking addiction to alcohol is not just a matter of chemistry_, she read, _the addiction is also mental_. Pills and injections could kill his physical need for it easily enough and he'd had those, but the emotional motive behind it was what really needed to be solved. _And me complicating matters with my sudden bad-boy crush is not helping matters. _Unfortunately, she knew she should talk to him. She _also_ knew that this was not a problem that was going to go away: when Shepard knew her feelings on something, she acted – right or wrong (albeit usually right). It was who she was. She knew if she let this fester it would do far more harm. So...

Shepard confidently paced out of her cabin, waited calmly for the lift to reach the lower decks and strolled down the corridor to the port cargo hold... Then found she couldn't find the nerve to request entry. She waited for a moment, staring at the ceiling whilst trying to clear her thoughts, to gain at least _some_ clue as to how she was going to attempt to breach the topic when...

"Shepard do you require assistance?" _– EDI._

"EDI if I had to take you onto a battlefield I'd have shot you by now for giving away my position."

"Apologies Shepard, however I do not fully understand the context of your displeasure -"

"_Never mind_ EDI, don't worry about it – just open the damn door."

The door sprang into life and EDI said no more. At first Shepard was confused – Zaeed was not in his usual corner, or any corner she could view from the doorway. _Where is he? _"Zaeed..?" _He's probably asleep or something isn't he? [mental face-palm]_

"Here, Shepard." She tracked the origin of the gruff voice, and found him as she rounded the corner to the trash compressor. He was on the floor, slouched against the wall with his knees up, staring at the floor. He was without the top half of his armour, only a stained white sleeveless vest and a gold chain about his neck to insulate against the cold of the room. She was worried about him instantly as this was probably the first time she'd _ever_ seen him anything less than battle-ready with weapon in hand.

"Zaeed..? Are you alright?" She ventured.

"I thought you were gonna space me..." His head sagged and swung a little from side to side as he spoke. _Is he drunk? _ When Shepard realised he was nursing a shot glass and that a bottle of whiskey stood between his knees she wasn't entirely sure whether his comment arose because he was drinking again, or because of how close he had come to kissing her last night. She was actually a little surprised if the latter was the cause of his taking to the bottle again, although in retrospect he _had _seemed almost painfully shamed when he made his quick exit from her quarters. She shook her head and sighed loudly. Likely she wasn't going to be able to have a sensible conversation with him now. _Mental addiction indeed. Hiding in that bottle..._

Shepard shrugged and folded her arms, hugging her elbows as she shifted her weight from foot to foot uncomfortably. She actually felt – for the first time since seeing Ashley on Horizon – alone. _What am I supposed to do..? _ Then in occurred to her that there was little she _could_ do, except try. _OK. I'll try. I'll try a new tactic and see what happens. _Walking over to him she picked up the bottle, then extended her hand, asking silently for the shot glass. He gave it up without hesitation, but most definitely wanted to avoid eye contact. _Don't know what he expects I'm going to do with it, smash it over his head maybe?_

She looked at the bottled with a raised eyebrow – scarcely believing the label which was one of the finest home brands, distilled nowhere other than Earth itself _and_ from the country that birthed his quirky accent, no less."Jeez you really know how to get the good stuff don't you Zaeed...?" She murmured, eying the date.

"Got cash to spare." He shrugged. Still refusing to look at her, not even her boots.

She mused over the situation awhile, absent-mindedly staring at the shot glass. She noticed it had a name and a date etched into it: "Schott AG 1884" – _Damn this thing is __ancient__! _She stared at the little object with no small amount of awe – this was a real piece of history she was holding. _Where did he __find__ this? And how much did it cost? Never mind... I don't want to know..._ She was beginning to understand that this man had a fascination for history, and a fondness for antiques.

Still somewhat in disbelief she poured herself a shot in the empy silence. The sound of that at least caught his attention and he gave her a brief, worried and confused look as she slid down the wall of the trash compressor opposite him. She dumped the bottle to her left and nursed the drink awhile. He quickly ducked down again. She downed the shot, the burning liquid hit her throat and made her eyes water. She coughed.

"Best damned stuff in the galaxy, that is." He nodded towards the bottle with another furtive look. She seemed to have caught his attention at least.

Only Garrus and Tali (and Ashley) really knew that Shepard on occasion had been known to drink – albeit at times of celebration which as of late, hadn't been that often. It was a rare thing and only ever in the presence of people she trusted with her own safety. "I'll bet." Shepard coughed as the warmth hit her empty stomach. "But it's still going out the airlock." She caught the fleeting look of dismay that came from Zaeed, but he said nothing against it. _Maybe he misheard me and thinks I'm putting him out of the airlock..._

Eventually he spoke. "Thought it was _me_ you were going to toss out of an airlock." Another fleeting glance in her direction, quickly ducked away. "_Especially _after..." He paused, silent for a moment except for laboured breathing. "Well..." He tried again, still couldn't find the words. Finally he shook his head and his voice took on an angry tone: "Look Shepard I don't know what came over me, I mean forget _drinking..._" Another pause as he pulled one hand down over his face. "...Nyaghh, what's the bloody point?" He slammed his head back against the wall, eyes scrunched shut. _He doesn't know does he? Hasn't realised he only got that close because I didn't object..._

Maybe the alcohol temporarily muzzled her senses and clarity of thought. Maybe it was just the fact that she was never good at _talking_ about this kind of stuff. Whatever it was that made her do it, Shepard's instincts drove her to act. She shrugged her shoulders and placed the shot glass carefully on the floor next to the bottle. In one swift movement she pushed off the wall behind her and fell forwards. As her knees hit the deck between his her hands found either side of his cold face, and she pressed her lips to his.

Gently at first she pulled at his lips with hers, sliding her tongue over them, but half a second later and he had opened his mouth to her and slid his tongue along hers. Cold hands found hers and then her cheeks as he kissed up to her desperately, breathing hard through his nose. She kneeled right up, pressing her body to his, feeling the cold of his flesh through his vest and her uniform as surely as he could feel her heat. He grabbed at her behind and pulled her towards him, fumbling as he tried to scramble his way back up the wall, trying to – trying to do _something – _when he knocked her off balance and brought them both down on the floor with an almighty thud, him on top of her.

As he sent her sprawling she smacked the bottle with her flailing arm when she tried to brace herself against the fall. The half-empty bottle went spinning across the deck plates. Shepard flinched when the sharp sound of glass hitting glass reverberated through the air, realising then that the bottle must have caught the shot glass as it fell and spun. She flinched again when she added to that the age of that particular item of Zaeed's belongings. _Oh crap I hope I haven't broken it_, she thought, trying to look it its direction.

Everything stopped, Zaeed froze. Slowly he lifted himself up enough to stare down at her. Shepard looked back to find the gold chain around his neck hung motionless above her, and more than anything he just looked shocked: genuinely lost for words. She'd never seen such an expression on his face, and with no small amount of mischievousness she bit her lip and smiled a little, trying not to laugh at the absurdity of it all. _Oh... I enjoyed __that__. More than I've enjoyed anything in longer than I can remember..._

"Shepard..." He began frowning, but couldn't seem to find any other words to follow that.

"I'm not hurt if that's what you're wondering." She raised an eyebrow and smirked as her heartbeat settled back to a sensible pace. A part of her was finding this all rather hilarious, and the humour was hard to contain. She was going mad. _Definitely crazy_.

"What – on God's green Earth – was _that_..?" He blinked. The confused look on his face made it impossible to contain the grin she'd been holding back.

"Umn... Therapy?" She ventured, and laughed. The whole situation was insane and yet somehow immensely fun at the same time. _I am – I'm going completely crazy._

"You..." He began frowning slightly, the fuzziness from the alcohol he'd been imbibing evaporated. He pushed away from the floor and stood up. Shepard sighed, getting herself up to face him. Suddenly it was serious, and a hell of a lot less fun. _He's not a toy, this isn't a game, and the poor man's got enough on his plate without you throwing yourself at him, stupid woman._

Straight and stalwart she stood with her arms by her sides as she spoke, "I'm sorry if I overstepped the mark." but her voice sounded sheepishly weak, and she was _sure_ her cheeks were now flushed with embarrassment.

"No..." He spoke to her softly at first, still shaken. His face wore a perplexed expression. "When a woman throws herself at me like – like I _think_ you just did – I usually consider myself a lucky man - it's _never_ over _my_ mark. But..." He paused and tilted his head, "...why'd you do it?" His face ticked as he asked.

"Surprised?" She let got an agitated breath, "You're not the only one." Shepard put her hands on her hip as she stared down at the floor and shook her head. _Yup. I am __definitely__ going crazy. Alternatively: this is exactly why I do __not__ get involved with romance._

"Shepard if you want somebody to screw your brains out there's a whole host of men you could find through those doors who'd be happy to oblige." He thumbed over his shoulder in the direction of the cargo bay door. "Guys who haven't had half their face blown off n' aren't 15yrs older than you, for a start."

Shepard raised her face and stared at him blankly. She knew he was right, none of it made any sense but even though she had no excuses to fall back on she knew she was here, she knew he'd caught her attention now and she knew it wasn't going away.

Zaeed frowned at her with just a touch of suspicion when she said nothing. "Shepard What the hell do _you_ want with an aging bounty hunter who's past his prime like Muggins 'ere?" He crossed his arms and Shepard caught herself studying his tatoos. "If you were a whore I'd probably take the offer and pay you for it 'cause that's a fair exchange in my eyes: money for a service. But you're no whore, Shepard. You don't seem the type to want for money neither – not when the Illusive Man himself has failed to buy your allegiance." He shook his head.

Shepard sighed. _Whores indeed._ The man had an interesting slant on prostitution – she still couldn't quite believe this was someone she actually wanted anything to do with. Unfortunately his suspicion of her made him all the more interesting – Shepard wasn't used to having to _prove_ her intentions were good ones. _Although clearly I need the practice..._ She thought, recalling how Ashley had been a light year from the level of trust Shepard thought she'd earned from the woman. Still, being doubted was novel in this instance.

"Is it _really_ that hard to think I could be interested in _you__?"_

"What – you tellin' me you _like_ my ugly mutt? Hell yeah! Why didn't I notice that before?" He jested, with one eyebrow raised to emphasis the sarcasm. _He __does__ do sarcasm so much better than I do._

Shepard outright laughed. "Zaeed, even _I _don't really understand what changed." She smiled bashfully as she tried for an unusually direct approach: "Maybe it was just I've never seen the side of you I've seen these past few days." She shrugged: "You're clearly not the man I thought you were, and there's something about you I like."

"Shepard you are absolutely _the_ strangest woman I've ever met. I cause you a shed load of problems, you condemn my drinking habits and threaten to space me if I don't sort it out, then the very next day you share a drink with me and kiss me so hard a teenage boy would've finished before he even got his trousers off..."

Shepard gagged and felt yet more blood rush to her cheeks. Quickly she clasped her mouth, instantly giving away her surprise. Zaeed chuckled as he watched her do this, as if he hadn't expected for her to go red at that. "Damn near blew _my _head off..." he added. An awkward silence followed, until finally Shepard tried to change the subject.

"You know, you never answered my question last night."

"Huh? What?" He shrugged his shoulders.

"I asked you: what do you want?"

Zaeed took a deep breath, "I uh... I think I need a bit of time to figure that out. Right now all I can think about is that kiss..." He half laughed as he rubbed the back of his neck and sighed an exhaustive sigh. "Look... Shepard – for crying out loud I'm old enough to be your father -"

Shepard quickly cut him off. "No you're not. My father was 40yrs old when I was born, that makes you a good 25yrs too _young_ to be my dad."

"Shepard..." He shook his head and scowled.

"I want to know what you want." Stubborn to a fault. _And I'm not giving an inch._

Zaeed huffed and shook his head. A certain degree of frailty touched his expression as he spoke.

"..." He opened his mouth then clamped it shut. He tried again to speak, "...If... Say I wanted this to go somewhere... If I wanted you -" He shook his head and smirked as if saying those words somehow tickled, "- and after that kiss I'll be _damned_ if I'm not thinkin' about it... How would we even go about it?"

Shepard considered the question, sucked her cheeks and then replied: "I'll cut you a deal. No more hiding in a bottle when you don't want to deal with something."

"Fair." He nodded emotionlessly.

"_That_ bottle goes out the airlock in your place."

Zaeed sighed as he looked down at the bottle and it's spilled contents then back to Shepard, but: "OK." he nodded, and didn't even flinch.

"And the rest of whatever you have stashed away – here, off-ship, or due in delivery gets given to Gardener to share with the crew. Hopefully that might make up for you being such an ass to everyone lately."

He growled a sigh. "Remind me again why I'm doing this?" He _wasn't_ – as some might think – questioning the end of his addiction, she was damned sure of that. _He wants another kiss, that's what..._

Shepard raised a brow but maintained a straight face. "Do all that and instead of being spaced before lunch today you can drop by my quarters when you're through arranging it all."

"Right." He smirked at that with a glint in his eye.

Shepard momentarily lost her concentration and her cool in her surprise. She hasn't expected him to agree to all of this without so much of a hint of dispute or an _"I'll have to think about this."_ She nearly stuttered as she added:

"You can keep the shot glass, I checked the date on it."

"Cheers." He stretched his jaw to one side and back. "Would be a pity to throw away an antique like that." _But I'd do it if you asked, _he seemed to say with his eyes, and the seriousness they betrayed made her want to go for him right there and then.

"I'll give you until 20:00h on Friday – you've got that long to get everything sorted."

"Should be doable." He nodded and shrugged.

"So. Do we have a deal then?"

"We have a deal." He nodded. Shepard nodded to seal the agreement then turned to leave.

Zaeed raised an arm in her direction, not intending to touch, only to obstruct her way. "Shepard..." He started, his face suddenly carrying a very solemn look. He sighed, looking down at the floor before raising his eyes to hers with a piercing stare. "I'm too old for games."

Shepard froze. "Agreed." She nodded solemnly and frowned as she considered her own feelings. Her instincts were clear enough. She swallowed and added: "Me too."

His expression relaxed just enough for him to smile a little. "I guess I'll drop by your quarters once everything's sorted, then." It was a special smile. It had just a flavouring of hope to it, and Shepard knew right there and then she wanted it to be _her_ smile... but she filed that thought away somewhere to be reviewed later. She nodded with half a smile in return. He dropped his arm and she was on her way.


	4. Chapter 4 Handle With Care

25th Feb 2011

~ Finding The Heart ~

Handle With Care

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the intellectual property of Bioware, not mine.

WARNING: Rated for MA for future chapters (even though I haven't written them yet – they could very well be). 16yrs+ readers only please. Foul language, adult concepts.

Author note: I've purposefully tried not to describe Shepard too much, after all, fans of Mass Effect will each have their own versions of Shepard, so I leave those parts up to your imagination.

* * *

At 12:08h an internal report landed in Shepard's inbox. Zaeed had been back to see Dr Chakwas again, so the doctor's report read. She had of course given him a stern telling off for having slipped up on his promise to the Commander, but she'd given him the meds and now he was back to where he was yesterday. The good doctor commented that he was irritatingly cheerful about the whole episode and that she was genuinely wondering if the man needed psychiatric help. Shepard filed the report and tried not to grin when she presumed to know why the mercenary had indeed been so cheerful. She _did_ return a note to the doctor to rest her concerns, advising her that she had again talked with him this morning, that they were working on the real causes of his problem, and that hopefully his newfound enthusiasm would be put to good use.

At 14:13h Joker informed her that Zaeed had requested a stop at Earth (of all places!). _"Apparently he's got some stuff to pick up and has to go there personally to sign the documentation or something... says it's on your orders so I thought I should run it by you first." _ Shepard quickly worked out what it was for and why it was Earth.

"That was faster than I expected. Yes it's on my orders. When is he requesting the stop?"

"_He's not sure yet commander – says he's yet to arrange the exact details, but it will be some time Friday, he says."_

"OK. Well just make sure you contact the Reapers and tell them they'll have to wait until Monday if they're going to ruin my day."

"_Hahahaha... That's real funny Commander."_

"I'm considering the idea of begging some shore leave off the Illusive Man. We've been running tight for months and I think the crew deserves a break if at all possible. Earth's not the best place to loose Cerberus operatives off their leashes I'm sure, but there's got to be some safe havens he knows that these people can go."

"_...Wow - what's put __you__ in such a good mood..?"_

"Oh nothing in particular... Just the thought of coming down there and breaking your legs..."

"_OK, OK I'll quit asking."_

"Just don't tell Miranda yet – I'm not set on the idea yet and I don't want to make her blow a fuse and come storming up here to tell me what's what without a real reason."

"_Really Commander? I thought making Miranda blow a fuse for no apparent reason was your favourite pastime."_

"Seriously. One-on-one sparring. You and me."

"_My lips are sealed."_

"Out."

Shepard mused over the idea. Looking at the pile of reports she needed to fill in however, Shepard wondered if shore leave would only come the next time she died. She scowled at the size of her report 'to-do' list and figured it payback for two years supposed shore leave. She knuckled down and did it, looking over the schematics of the dead reaper recovered from the Cerberus research team, the first speculative suggestions for the design of a Collector-specific bioweapon from Dr Solus... Well _that_ sent shivers down her spine._ I'm not sure which is worse, thinking that I already wiped out their entire race and maybe I could have saved them somehow, or the idea that I __didn't__ and I get to live with the consequences of personally pressing a button to release a bioweapon that __will__...  
_

There were many other projects and reports to attend to, and the hours ticked away with work to do. _How __does__ Miranda cope with so much report-filling? Speak of the devil... _At 16:55h Miranda called.

"..._Shepard? What the bloody hell did you __say__ to Zaeed? He just dropped by to inform me that his entire stash of whiskey and any forthcoming deliveries of alcohol are now in the hands of Gardner on your orders." _- so spoke the bodiless Australian accent of a woman genuinely unnerved.

"Honestly Miranda, I'm surprised my talking to him had such an impact. But what can I say? You should try diplomacy sometimes – _sometimes_ it pays off."

"_Shepard why do you insist -"_ She could just imagine Miranda rolling her eyes to that.

"Miranda why do _you_ insist on taking that tone with me?" She was rather glad that she had disallowed video to be linked with her private quarter's communications system. That way Miranda couldn't see that she was grinning like an idiot.

"_Shepard regardless what you may think of my abilities I do not consider attempting to persuade EDI to allow access to my quarter's security feed so that Zaeed could view me in the shower a simple matter of diplomacy -_"

"Well I can't really blame the man. You've said it yourself in as many words: you _do _have the body of a goddess."

"..._Shepard?"_

"Miranda you need to loosen up, spend some _time_ with the crew, drink a little of that whiskey and let your hair down. You're smart, you're gorgeous, and you should flaunt it for fun – not just for games."

"_I beg your pardon your Commander but-"_

"No more 'buts'. No more excuses Miranda. So you know not to trust anyone with important matters without an interrogation first – I understand that and I respect your reasons. But that doesn't mean you can't let your hair down."

"_Commander I – I really don't think..._"

"Don't worry I'll make _sure_ Zaeed doesn't bother you. I threatened to space him if he didn't clean up his act, and I'll skin him if he tries to get newsfeed on your ass again, you have my word on that."

"_...Thank you... Commander..._" _OK... so now I do wish I could at least see her face..._ Shepard was _actually_ trying to help the woman, but it didn't stop her from having a little fun at the same time, after all what was it Joker said about Garrus when they got him on board this time around? Well the way _Shepard_ figures it, Miranda acts like _she's_ got a stick up _her_ [very fine] ass...

"Now I want you _personally_ to hand out drinks to everyone at shift-changeover, 20:00h. I want you to organise getting the crew together with Gardner and Kelly – she's always up for a party. I want nibbles and something for those who can't or don't want to drink alcohol. I'm going to try to make this a weekly thing if possible whilst things are quiet. Be _sure_ nobody has more than one shot and make _sure_ the next on-shift each have a plate of food with that drink please – I don't want any on-duty accidents, hear?"

"_Shepard you want __me__ to..?" _ _I can just imagine the terror in her eyes right now._

"Yes. I _might_ join you later. Technically I will be going off-duty, so that makes it your responsibility. I think the crew deserves it sooner rather than later considering what an ass Zaeed's been, and I couldn't think of a better time than general shift rotation. I'll let you handle the details of who stays on and who swaps with who. Just make sure this is all by way of an apology from him."

"_...Yes, Commander..."_

"Alright then." Shepard heard the beep of her door, and her stomach went a little queasy when EDI simultaneously flashed a message onto her console (another thing Shepard had taught the AI to do: message her rather than announce via audio who it was whilst she was taking a call). Her breath hitched as she read it: _Zaeed is here to see you Commander._

"Actually slight change of plan Miranda -" Shepard quickly added, "Seeing as you're already up, can you take over this shift please? To be honest I'm pretty tired, but it looks like Zaeed's finished arranging things sooner than expected. I'll do my best to keep him out of the way for you this evening."

"..._Acknowledged__, Shepard..."_

"Thanks Miranda. Out." _[Click] _ Now all she had to do was find her nerves before she let him in... He was earlier than she'd expected by a day at least, and part of her had doubted he would come at all. The man continued to surprise her though – taking a bollocking off the good Dr (without so much as a "And you can stick that effing thing..." from him), taking his meds without complaint, apologising to Miranda (Shepard _really_ hadn't expected _that_), relinquishing his most treasured and likely longstanding habit, _and_ getting all of it done _long_ before the deadline she had set for him. _What next? _She wondered. There was something endearing about his thoroughness, and evident determination to please her.

Shepard put the thought of him trying to snoop on Miranda's ass to the back of her mind. He had – to be fair – been rather drunk when he made that request, and if Shepard was even going to think about giving the guy a chance, she had to give him the benefit of a clean slate where a _lot_ of things were concerned. Besides, he _had _given her some great opportunities for winding Miranda up – _I should actually be grateful._ She stood up with a smile on her face, brushed her uniform into order, and signalled EDI to open the door.

Zaeed's boots sounded his approach after the door clunked shut. He was walking more slowly than usual. He looked hesitant. Instead of coming to where Shepard sat at her console he leaned against the fish tank on the opposite wall, his silhouette cut sharply from the blue light behind him. Normally he would at least come as far as the bathroom door before picking a leaning spot.

"...Shepard." he nodded, as he folded his arms and crossed his ankles. It was perhaps only then that Shepard actually noticed for the first time just how defensive his body language was, and probably always had been. You could be forgiven for not noticing given his brash and ballsy attitude to everything – never intimidated easily was Zaeed. In fact it's possible Shepard had never seen him intimidated by anyone or anything. Yet with every pose and every move he made he drew the line that said: "That's you. This is me. Keep away." It was a little sad actually, to realise just how hard he worked to maintain that distance. Right now, she could see he needed that distance back again.

"...Hey. You're a little earlier than I expected." She smiled as leaned back against the desk, briefly eying her model collection to put him at ease. _See I'm relaxed, this is easy, no pressure..._

"If this is a bad time I can come back later..."

"No – No. It's fine." She purred softly – perhaps _too_ softly, as he was quick to respond:

"I, uh, didn't want to stay long. I know you're busy. Just wanted to let you know I've ... done everything you asked." He swallowed and his eyes flickered nervously. The tone in his voice hinted: _and I've done it all for you..._ Butterflies hatched in Shepard's stomach but she did her best to ignore their first attempts at flight.

"I know, I heard." She smiled and slid him a glance as she turned to face her models fully, and folded her own arms. She purposefully mimicked his defensive body language to set him at ease. "You've been pretty busy. I think you surprised quite a few people, but it was a pleasant surprise." She nodded, and smiled at him again before turning back to scrutinise one model in particular.

"Huh." He shrugged and she caught the movement in her peripheral vision. "Well that rabble 'ad better bloody appreciate it. Best goddamn stuff in the galaxy that is, and lots of it. Cost me a fair few credits that shit did an' I'd _hate _to see it go to waste." He grumbled, but it came with a smile. Just for an instant there was something else – something hidden in his expression... shame perhaps? Embarrassment over how he'd lost control and wound up here, her knowing pretty much every indiscretion he'd made?

A few specks of dust had gathered on the model Shepard was staring at. She huffed with annoyance, fixated on the blasphemous specks as she carefully lifted the model from its holder. "Hmph. Anti-static paint obviously _doesn't_ mean 'no dust'..." she mumbled quietly, extending her arm without looking to open one of the desk drawers, reaching inside and pulling out a small paintbrush with a fluffy end. Still frowning as she concentrated, she carefully brushed the specs of dust away. She tried not to notice the sound of footsteps as they approached her, although her heart _did_ skip a beat.

"Some pretty detailed models you have displayed here. That Sovereign?" Zaeed asked as she hesitantly placed the ship back on its holder.

"That one?" She grinned, prideful, "You bet. As soon as I saw it I knew I wanted it." Shepard leaned towards the model and her smile turned more serious, pulling her arm back and tucking it over the other. "Of course when I bought it and found it had been labelled as a Geth dreadnaught I was fuming."

"Goddamn sons of bitches... I'll _bet_ you were." Zaeed snarled sympathetically as he stood by her side and leaned towards the model. "Looks like you fixed that though." He grinned with a glint of mischief in his eye. It had been a while since she saw him smile like that – probably not since he no-scoped a merc with his sniper rifle at a hundred yards. He was particularly pleased with himself after that, not least because he got a surprised look from Shepard at the time. She swore if it weren't for the size of it and the kick-back he'd be able to shoot from the hip with it, because he seemed able to do that with pretty much everything else.

Shepard pulled herself back from the memory and again found herself staring at Sovereign's dark and glossy form as she so often did these days. "Yeah. This model is here to remind me of a lot of things." She sighed, "It reminds me that no matter what you do, some people just want to stick their fingers in their ears, scream 'lalala!' as loudly as they can, and hope that a problem will just go away." She pulled a sour expression but slowly relented with a half-smile as she added: "It also reminds me that impossible odds don't have to _mean_ impossible to beat. It also reminds me of what I _can_ do." Shepard shrugged, "Sometimes... I need reminding."

"Huh." Zaeed huffed as if he was surprised by that as he stood beside her. He leaned forward to get a closer look, placing both hands on the work surface to balance. There was a brief silence. "Y'know..." He said rather quietly, "...all those times you've come to see me an' I've waxed goddamn nostalgic til the cows came home over missions I'd done, big kills, and escaping from sticky situations... It never _once_ occurred to me in all that time you never told me any of _your_ war stories. Compared to some of the shit that _you've_ pulled off, my shit is pretty tame."

"I don't need to boast." Shepard shrugged carelessly, but her words dripped with venom. "My stories are all over the extranet." She mocked herself, frowning with disdain, and sneered as if something bitter had just caught her tongue.

"I always guessed what the media showed wasn't the _whole_ story. Scheming bastards that they are..." Zaeed shook his head.

"They only tell the bits they want to tell, and they only hear the bits they want to hear."

Zaeed shrugged. "...And if you don't fit that nice little 'ideal human' box the Alliance tries to ram you into then you're out on your ear with a sore arse to boot. I remember that reporter you saw on the Citadel, got the impression you two had a history. Why the bloody hell didn't you punch that smug bitch right in the face and tell it like it is? Hell of an opportunity you let go there Shepard."

"Short answer? Nobody wants to know."

Zaeed sighed and shook his head. Shepard tried to laugh it off. She didn't really _like_ thinking about how the Galaxy had defiled her name, everything she'd done, and tried to re-write history. IT rather put a downer on her day.

"That's just the way the galaxy works I'm afraid." She smiled. "But the thought occurs to me I _could_ have some fun with it now. Being dead for two years then showing up alive sprouts all _sorts_ of rumours. I could plant some rumours of my own... I've been trying to think of a good one."

"Howabout we say – just for shits and giggles, mind, - that the galaxy's golden girl is goin' out with the galaxy's most brutal and bloodthirsty bounty hunter?" It was a decidedly British humour: never quite saying what you mean yet somehow simultaneously asking several questions at once, any one (or all) of which could be the real question he was asking: _Do you want them to know about us? _ _We're not exactly an obvious match for one another – do you really think this can work? It __is__ kinda funny don't you think? Sure would soil that pretty name of yours..._

"What?" Shepard responded with fake outrage, "You mean that son-of-a-bitch who founded the notorious mercenary gang the Blue Suns? I don't know... seems a bit 'out there' don't you think?" They both laughed. Shepard grinned with a sinister glint in her eye as the thought appealed, "Well I haven't thought of anything better. Sure, why not? I'll go with that." She shrugged. _It's not exactly like they could do much worse to my reputation than I have done already by being in cahoots with the Illusive Man..._

Zaeed said nothing for a time, and the pair of them just looked over the ships displayed in front of them. It _was _an impressive collection considering Shepard had purchased, assembled, and painted them all in the short half a year or so since her resurrection. She looked at the SR-1 fondly, for a time lost in memories. _Damn..._ She thought coming back to reality, _when did I get to be this relaxed around him? Relaxed enough to daydream? _ Still, it felt as if a weight had lifted from both their shoulders, and that was one good thing not to be overlooked.

Zaeed was the first to ease them out of the comfortable silence. Eying the brush Shepard still held in her hand he remarked: "Y'know... if you clean one you _should_ really clean the others." There was an air of protectiveness there – out of all the crew on the Normandy, Zaeed understood her love for these models and her neuroticism regarding her keeping them in good condition. _Of course... he's a fellow collector isn't he?_

"OK, OK. I admit it." She rolled her head and slumped her shoulders. "My fingers _have_ been itching go over the others ever since I noticed Sovereign had caught some dust... But if get into that job it'll take me hours to complete. I'll dust them off, then I'll figure the whole area needs to be dust-free. Then I'll remember the anti-static spray I've got. Heaven forbid I notice a bit of paintwork that could be done better..." She warned, shaking her head sternly.

"Sounds to me like you could use some help."

"That's..." _Not what I would have expected... _"Very thoughtful of you, really it is. I know you're used to cleaning things carefully, but these things are a _lot_ more delicate than any gun you've been caring for..." Shepard began to say, _nobody__ – absolutely __nobody__ touches my model ships except __me__._

"I _know_ how to take care of models. You forget? Got me a model of a Turian cruiser I took down for a mission once. Sure I told you the story. Shepard I used to build these things with my eyes closed before _you_ were even born. Took care of my dad's models. He always wanted to be a goddamn pilot, but the old bugger had been too fat to pass the physical and he was too goddamn dumb to pass the exams. So, instead, he was fanatic about his models."

"Well so am _I_." Shepard stared at him warningly, "But _anyway_, they're not _that_ bad. Might do a thorough job on them during my next shore leave." _Which gives him a good idea of what my shore leaves are usually like..._ Shepard reprimanded herself._ Anyway for heaven's sake I can't be such a bachelorette as to choose cleaning my models over hanging out with my ..._

_'Boyfriend'_ just sounded plain wrong ..._ 'partner'_ almost as bad ... and _'lover' _– well that sent her mind down tracks she was sure it shouldn't be treading, yet.

"Fair enough." He chuckled. Shepard watched him nervously as he leaned towards the SR-1. He said nothing, but pulled a face like he'd tasted something sour and sucked air through his teeth.

"What? What is it?" She asked protectively. Regardless, her nape prickled at the thought there might be more dust up there... hiding..._ Damn you Sovereign... for so many things... Why do I get the feeling like I can fool him even less on that than I can fool myself?_

"... Oh... uh... Nothing."

"_Tell me_." Shepard scowled at him.

"I shouldn't – you might end up cleaning the lot of 'em, like you said."

"Why? What can you see?" The fact that she wasn't quite tall enough to see over the top of that model was _really _getting on her nerves.

"Oh it's only a _tiny_ little bit of dust..." He sounded so patronising she wanted to thump him. Instead she gave in to the nagging of her conscience as she clambered up onto the work surface. She was perfectly oblivious to the fact Zaeed was – through half-lidded eyes and a rather lazy smirk – rather _enjoying_ the sight of her doing this. To be fair he was rather pleased with himself and somewhat surprised to find she'd fall for it. He leaned back just enough to get a good look at her rear while she sorted herself out so that she could look down on the model properly...

"Oh my god!" She exclaimed (Zaeed quickly bringing himself forward again before she noticed), "I can't _believe_ how dirty it is! And..." She leaned across in front of Zaeed as he tried to contain the primal urge to moan lustfully at the scent of her, propping herself on one knee, "look at Destiny Ascension!" As the worry spread, she quickly lifted herself to stand so that she could get a view of them all. "How?" She mumbled, "How? I swear I only cleaned them last month!" she asked, hands on hips.

"Huh." Zaeed frowned as she twisted to face him and had the appearance of a man completely serious, except for the raised eyebrow which gave away how much he was enjoying getting her this worked up. "Looks to me like you're definitely going to be busy now..." He shook his head and tutted, "Well... I guess I should really go and leave you to it then." He shrugged and stepped away from the display, turning to go.

"Hang on a minute..." She said reluctantly and climbed back down.

"What's that? Sudden change of mind? Decided you want some help after all?"

Shepard thought about her models, and remembered her promise to keep Zaeed out of Miranda's way this evening. Her neuroticism wasn't going away, not _now_ anyway, and it was the best compromise. "Alright, alright. You can help. But if you damage one of these so help me -"

"I promise. I'm done being threatened of being thrown out of the nearest airlock. At least for _this_ week." He smirked and turned back, planting his feet shoulder width apart.

"Here that universe?" She mumbled quietly to herself, "I've got a mercenary's promise..." then louder and directly to Zaeed with a piercing stare: "Fine. Here." She said, taking the SR-1 off its holders and holding it out gingerly towards him. "You can start on this one, hold it here and here, the model's weak points are here, here and here." She motioned with her fingers, "I'll get you another brush." Realising she had one out she grabbed it and began to motion, "Now when you're using the brush -" Zaeed rolled his eyes and huffed as he interrupted her.

"Shepard just gimme the goddamn _ship_."


	5. Chapter 5 Temptation

04 Mar 2011

~ Finding The Heart ~

Temptation

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the intellectual property of Bioware, not mine.

WARNING: Rated for MA for future chapters (even though I haven't written them yet – they could very well be). 16yrs+ readers only please. Foul language, adult concepts.

Author note: I've purposefully tried not to describe Shepard too much, after all, fans of Mass Effect will each have their own versions of Shepard, so I leave those parts up to your imagination.

* * *

Shepard's cabin looked more like a cross between an artist's studio, a mechanics garage and a factory assembly line. Paint brushes of all shapes, sizes, and grades of bristles are strewn across the coffee table, which is now covered in a paint-splattered canvas sheet. Tiny bottles of paint of all sorts of colours are scattered about the place. The 'production line' extended to part of the sofa and the work surface around the corner below the model display area. The sofa hosted a number of odd-looking tools including a file and a pair of tweezers plus a few small but very sharp knives along with an assortment of other brushes that were clearly not meant for paint but for dusting. Around the corner the work surface was covered in a different cloth, immaculately clean, a mask and a couple of canisters – one with a fine-tube attached to the nozzle.

"No that... yes there... no... Will you just... You're not holding it right!" Shepard's voice near-shook the model in question. All but this one had been given an intimate dusting and – where necessary – a few make-over touches. One had actually been taken apart and put back together again by the perfectionist orchestrating this saga. Shepard impatiently placed down both the paint brush and the open bottle of paint that were in her hands.

"Well you won't let me bloody get a hold of the thing properly!" Chuckled Zaeed as she tried to change the angle he was holding it at.

"Your fingers are too fat. How you ever assembled that Turian cruiser I will never know." Shepard huffed impatiently as she attempted to put his fingers into the right places.

"Says 'er who can't paint a straight line to save her life! Y'know if you quit complaining like a bitch and just told me how you want me to hold the damn thing it'd be a hell of a lot easier!"

"You!" Shepard exclaimed at the insult, still sore on the fact that the Normandy's 'o' hadn't been quite a perfectly smooth oval and that _he_ had noticed, meaning she'd had to do it over again. Nonetheless she vehemently denied that the '1' in 'SR-1' was anything but geometrically perfect.

"_And_ I'll 'av you know that I'm very good with my hands when I want to be thank you very much." He added.

"Then _why _is it you can't hold this model straight _or _steady?" Shepard asked, frowning with concentration as she tried to get him to shift his thumb to a new place. A smile began to creep across her face as her mind replayed the last sentence he'd spoken and she half-laughed, quickly embarrassed that it had taken her that long to get his joke. She hesitated, feeling the blood rushing to her cheeks as her fingers curled around his thumb, feeling the warm dryness of his coarse hands.

"Don't." He said feebly, prompting her to snatch her eyes upwards to meet his. What she found she didn't expect. He looked dead serious, his expression halfway between fear and hunger. She suddenly became acutely aware of the steady rhythm of her breathing, and the sound of his so close to her. Her fingers twitched. As her expression turned to questioning he quickly added: "Don't you bloody dare. Don't _tempt_ me." His husky voice combined with his pleading eyes were really _quite_ a combination.

"_I_ didn't do anything..." Shepard was quietly defensive, dropping her voice as she slowly shook her head. She hadn't really meant it to sound that seductive...

"I know what you're thinking Shepard." His expression turned to one of warning. "Don't you fucking _dare_ kiss me." Those were the words he spoke but there was hunger in his eyes that told her something very different. She was about to ask why not, but he answered her before her lips started to move. "Shepard you kiss me again and I swear I'll take my combat knife from my boot tear off your clothes and shag you senseless for the next twelve hours I shit you not." The words flowed without pause as they did when he was making a point. The point was lost however as Shepard felt a tingling sensation in _all_ the _right_ places...

His jaw tightened as he clamped his mouth shut, and she could hear how fast and shallow he was breathing. It was, in this moment, somewhat difficult to figure why what he'd just said should count as a reason for _not _kissing him. She drifted closer towards him, and his eyes began to half-lid as if he were under a spell yet he purposefully evaded her lips, forcing her to track them with hers. He taunted her like this as he spoke: "It's not that I don't _want_ to... Believe me it's all I've been able to think about since last I saw you..." Then he pulled away slowly, deciding not to add whatever he was on the verge of telling her. His expression changed to one that was serious but coupled with just a touch of sadness. "But... I want to do this right." He swallowed hard, "Never really done _right_ by a woman before." Sadness and regret flashed into his expression but were quickly put away as he smiled that wise old smile that was far more familiar, "If I'm _really_ gonna try to change things I want to do _this_ properly."

_Properly? _ Shepard mused – she could scarcely believe his words, especially considering the lust his eyes had betrayed. But there was something vulnerable in the way he looked now, and she put aside however much part of her wanted to throw caution out of the nearest airlock and reclaimed her composure. "OK." She nodded. _Actually it's a good thing. Think about it. Rushing into things is exactly why I don't __do__ romance – just too much trouble. But I still can't quite get over the fact that out of the two of us, __he's__ the one holding back!_

There was a brief silence and he quickly relaxed, "So how do you want to do this?" She asked with a trusting smile.

"Well..." He started, taking on an air of sobriety until the corner of his lip began to pull upwards into a dirty smirk as he spoke, "I was thinking I'd at least like to take you on a date. Somewhere with people but not a crowd. The idea of screwing you in front of an audience might not put _me _off, but my guess is _you_ wouldn't let me." _Ah. So __that's__ what he was thinking about to make him smirk like that then._ "That way at least we can _talk_ a little and I won't have to worry that I'm gonna shag your brains out before you finish a sentence..." _Well if my cheeks weren't bright red already, they sure as hell are now, _thought Shepard as she listened, "...Somewhere we can get a meal for two. Quiet but not too quiet. Upper class kinda place. After that... it's your call." His eyebrow pulled up devilishly.

_Now who's tempting who? _ Shepard fought to get her beating heart under control. _It's like staring down a hungry varren..._

"Alright. I can do that. I was thinking about the possibility of arranging shore leave for when you wanted to go to Earth anyway. That's two days from now isn't it?"

"Perfect." He threw his head back and grinned, his eyes staring off into the ceiling as he pondered before adding: "I know _just_ the place... To be honest I was counting on it being that day anyway. I uh... already made some arrangements."

"I guess I'd better get on with sorting out shore leave then. Should make the crew happy at least." Shepard shrugged and smiled, but there was a glint in her eye and an extra 'umph' in her heartbeat that she hadn't felt in _years_.

Zaeed slowly surrendered the model to her as she took it in both hands. She turned to place it on the coffee table besides them, turning back just in time to see Zaeed rising to his feet.

"It's a date then. Pick you up here, 18:00h?"

Shepard stood up with a concerned look. "Sure that'd be fine. Are you leaving?" She asked.

"Yeah." He rubbed the back of his neck and let out this long, husky moan, "Before I change my mind." His eyes told her _exactly_ what he meant as he looked her up and down. If he'd _ever _ done that before, she sure as hell never caught him. It set loose the butterflies in her stomach.

"Don't I even get a goodnight kiss?" She flirted before even knowing she was doing it. _Damn him. I'm acting like a school girl..._

"Hell no." He laughed heartily, turned, and strolled towards the door. Stepping through it he shouted back to her: "Catch you later Shepard." The door hissed shut behind him.

* * *

Sorry this one's a bit short, just didn't feel right sticking the next bit on the end of it! Hope you're enjoying it so far. Hopefully I'm not making him unbelievable! I have already written another chapter so that will be up next week. Might have to have a pause after that as I will at some point be busy writing a paper on the recharging of plug in vehicles for an upcoming conference (can you guess what I'd far rather be writing?).


	6. Chapter 6  Forgiveness

11th Mar 2011

~ Finding The Heart ~

Forgiveness

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the intellectual property of Bioware, not mine.

WARNING: Rated for MA for future chapters (even though I haven't written them yet – they could very well be). 16yrs+ readers only please. Foul language, adult concepts.

Author note: I've purposefully tried not to describe Shepard too much, after all, fans of Mass Effect will each have their own versions of Shepard, so I leave those parts up to your imagination.

* * *

Zaeed had been in a pretty damn good mood all day. He was now rather happy about the fact he couldn't get _Commander _Shepard out of his skull. Damn that woman got under his skin. The last few months had been an emotional rollercoaster for the hardened mercenary – a man who had long ago learned to bury his emotions – save a useful few – in a very deep hole with barbed wire all around hung with fifty thousand mental charms that made damn _sure_ those feelings wouldn't be coming back to haunt him. It had been a sound strategy, until shit happened. Shit that he'd never stood a chance of expecting. He'd been totally unprepared when those ghouls got loose, but then just when he thought life couldn't get turned any _more_ upside down... Shepard happened. Shepard was like an intercity freight train speeding towards you when you're tied to the tracks. And that was just when she'd got a job to do. No bugger in his right mind would piss her off. If she was _pissed_ any sensible man would run and bloody hide. Not Zaeed, of course, but it hadn't been principle _that_ day... _Had me a bloody deathwish, I did._

Shepard happened to Zaeed in a way that right now he figured she was the only woman in the galaxy capable of doing: she'd turned inside out. He knew she regularly pulled off the unexpected, but never in a million _years_ would he have expected her to throw herself in his direction for sex - let alone romance. It shook Zaeed's world to its very foundations so thoroughly he was left wondering whether he'd actually already killed himself and this was the goddamn universe's way of payback, taunting him with things too good to be true – or even more implausibly he was in heaven and fantasies of the galaxy's golden girl were just the form of it he'd unwittingly chosen, off his bleedin' trolley as he certainly was. Yet here he was, the dream continued. No – he _knew_ it was reality. She was a hell of a woman, that one. _Swore long time back I'd not let anyone close to me that couldn't handle 30 armed men single-handedly... I __had__ thought that pretty much ruled out everyone apart from me, a few asari matriarchs and a couple of krogan warlords, but shit that girl's got balls! And skill to match. And she's dangerously smart. But she's also a do-gooder. So what the bleedin' hell is she interested in me for?_

He'd gone around in circles again, but he was slowly getting used to the idea that this was real, and her intentions were real. She fucking kissed him for crying out loud. _That'd_ pulled the ground from under him. She was _still_ clearly interested, too, if last night's model ship renovation session was anything to go by. Zaeed's mind flitted between thoughts. _Damn her and her sodding always-concealing clothes!_ It was always that dress uniform, or her armour. One or t'other. No real clues a man could get his head around to work out what she actually looked like underneath. He'd sleep a hell of lot more easily if she'd only wear something like that Cerberus bitch Lawson wears which plainly leaves little to the imagination. But _no..._ Shepard had to wear stuff that had him guessing day and night what she looked like. _OK maybe 'sleep better' wouldn't be the actual outcome_, he thought to himself dirtily, but at least the question wouldn't be driving him nuts. Legion hadn't helped much either...

_[Flash back to this morning]_

"Zaeed Massani Bounty Hunter – are you certain that Shepard Commander should not be included in this conversation? Our studies of your species indicate that biometric data has access restrictions that usually require permission from the individual in question."

"Yes I told you, remember? This is just so that we can get some additional armour made with upgraded materials for the Commander."

"We have reached a consensus that Zaeed Massani Bounty Hunter is omitting truth regarding his intentions. Request for estimated biometric data for Shepard Commander is therefore denied."

"Wait... Alright you damned bucket of bolts if you must know it's a surprise."

"One moment while we build a consensus... Are you suggesting that you wish to buy Shepard Commander a 'gift' and that your request for her biometric data is for the purpose of constructing a _gift_?"

"Yes."

"May we ask as to the real nature of this 'gift'? We suggest that armour is a statistically unusual gift to be purchased for a female human on her birthday. Also, her birthday is one month three weeks two days and fourteen hours away, again we suspect that Zaeed Massani Bounty Hunter is not expressing truth regarding his intentions."

Zaeed clutched at his temples, and tried to remember why it was a bad thing to shoot this thing in its lightbulb-head, apart from the fact that its neural processor was located near the base of its spine... _Well it did just give me a tip when her birthday is, I guess..._ "I'm hoping to get something made from the finest materials – custom made, it takes _time_. I don't want to tell you exactly what it is because it is meant to be a _surprise__._ Get it?"

"You do not trust us to keep your plan... secret. Why?"

"It's personal. I want it to be a gift from me to her. If you want I promise I will tell her afterwards that you helped me. I'll give you credit, will that do?"

"There are many things about organics that we do not understand. Very well we estimate Shepard's biometric data when without clothing to be as follows..."

_[End flashback]_

Those measurements jerked his eyebrow up as far as it'd go as he heard them. Either armour hides more than he thought, or he needed to pay more attention to her figure. _All in good time man, all in good time..._ He grinned devilishly. Anyway. It was done now. Everything was in motion. _Just have to wait until tomorrow_. With a satisfaction painted across his expression and a twinkle in his eye, Zaeed walked around the corner to his cot and sat down on it. After he'd spent a while feeling pleased with himself his eyes wondered down to the floor to where a datapad lay face down on, abandoned the deck plates – temporarily forgotten. His smile subsided and his stomach dropped. In his enthusiasm he'd actually gone practically a whole nigh two days without thinking about... _her..._ Now his stomach tried to tie itself in knots. He stared at that pad for a good long while as he slowly made what was a gut-wrenching decision. His expression turned cold as stone before finally, gingerly, he picked it up. He held it in his hand a while, still face down. Slowly... he turned it over. With great deliberation he gradually moved his finger to press the power button.

The image the pad displayed as it restored itself would forever be etched into his memory, as would the words written below it. Truly it was the first time he'd looked upon the image or the text sober since he'd found it. Before this moment he'd dare not face it without the comforting feel of a glass in hand and the blurring of senses courtesy of the contents within it. His finger traced down the curve of the dead woman's face. In this moment he recalled how he had felt the first time he'd seen this photo, and _precisely_ why that drink had been necessary ever since. However, there was a change in the air, and he pressed himself to look. He stared unblinking, determined to face her and absorb the full force that the sight of her would impact upon his wretched soul. _No anaesthetic. No coagulant for the wound._ _Just __look__ at her and feel the pain. Live it. Breathe it in. Carve it into your memory you sorry bastard and let it be a lesson about things you should have done better._

He _had_ seen her face every night he'd closed his eyes for years after the events that separated them, but memory was fluid and he remembered only her as she was back then. This photo was _real_ and the reality of it was sculptured by the slight tell-tale of wrinkles in her complexion, but more than that it was painted by her eyes. Her eyes looked wiser, older, filled by the experiences of 20yrs of life for which Zaeed had not been privy to.

It made him a little sick every time he recalled when it was exactly that he stopped thinking about her, when a new face replaced hers – it was the day that fucking son-of-a-bitch Vido betrayed him, when Zaeed concluded that the galaxy was hell bent on screwing him. He stopped caring about anything else that day except money and the sheer fucking determination that _one day _he'd find a way to watch with satisfaction as that back-stabbing son-of-a-bitch asphyxiated on his own blood, gargling to the last breath with the last lesson Zaeed had ever thought he'd have to teach him: loyalty. After that Zaeed had been absorbed with rage and an all-consuming lust for revenge. _Galaxy has a fucking sordid sense of humour..._ He reflected darkly, recalling how while he was busy baiting Shepard with a false story to get her planet-side to kill Vido _she_ had laid in hospital giving up her last breath. _Still alive... Christ I wish there was a way to go back, to say I'm sorry, to do it all again..._ His eyes watered, but he'd been down that path many times and he knew where it went.

What he hadn't told Shepard – or anybody – is that he had kept one _single_ bottle of whiskey that he hadn't handed over. Briefly eyes closed he eyed with his mind's eye where it was hidden, and his mouth grew dry and thirsty. He forced his eyes open again but he would _not _let his eyes shift from her face. _Not this time. I owe you more than that._ He thought to her as he clawed himself back from the desire to throw everything out of the fucking airlock, down that bottle in two minutes flat, put a pistol to his head and end it all. Tell the truth though it was a lot further away – that temptation – than it had been before, but the struggle still damn near made him cry. He was about to yell out when he heard Shepard's voice in the back of his mind. He could almost feel Shepard's hand on his shoulder, urging him, encouraging him: _"You know where to find me. Anytime. Anytime you feel like hitting that bottle again you come to me and I'll be there for you. You don't need it anymore Zaeed..."_

It was then that he remembered why he'd decided to do this. There _had_ been a purpose – not just the self-torture ritual he had grown accustomed to over the past month or so. Taking a deep breath, and holding back the nausea he tried to focus.

"Alice..." The sound of his own voice surprised him. It was barely a murmur, and the very act of speaking seemed to take every ounce of strength he had left. "Alice... I..." He shook his head, trying to remember the words that turned to mist in his thoughts, evading his every grasp. "Alice I don't expect forgiveness." Suddenly they came as if out of nowhere and the words spilled forth. "I never knew. If I _had_..." _No. I've got to be honest. I wasn't the man I am today..._ "I don't know. I was a different man back then – I wasn't the man you deserved." His mind certainly tried to race headlong down the path of all his regrets with that admission, how maybe he could never have been what he should have been to her, how he'd have probably screwed her life up even more had he been around to be in it but how he would have tried, how if he could be who he was right now and go back in time he'd 'ave found her and made a damn good effort... _But I can't. You're dead and I gotta live with that. _"It would never have _been_ perfect. I know that. Only cowards imagine what could 'av been instead of facing what is." He cursed himself but quickly realised his focus had slipped and he was thinking about himself again. _Argh__!__ Just get over yourself you fucking dimwit!_

"But that's not what this is about." He pulled himself back again. Slowly his battered brain finally noticed something bleedin' obvious. "You know... I've _only_ just noticed that you're smiling in this photo?" He stared for a long time unbelieving as slowly this observation sunk in. "Eggs'll bloody get you pearls... You really _are_ aren't you? Smiling!" He chuckled at the revelation, and felt a little giddy. "I'll be fucking damned..." He said with new-found admiration, "You really _were_ one hell of a woman to go through what _you_ went through and still be able to smile like that, you know that?" And she was. She _really_ was. Most women killed themselves after that kind of assault was the sad truth. But here she was, smiling sunshine.

Gradually his mind did the sums. She had lived another 20yrs after the events of the day that parted them. She was smiling in this photo. _Smiling_. Sure he'd read the obituary over and over, but it dawned on Zaeed he'd been so fixated on the first line of it (detailing her death, the date and how etc), that he hadn't really paid much attention to the rest except to know that someone else had stolen the years that he could have had – _should_ – have had with her. With a stone in his gut he read the words again, and tried to ask if it was possible she had been happy without him. Despite him. Maybe she'd gotten over him and lived a happy life with and _loved_ whoever wrote these words. It _was_ a little painful to tell the god's honest truth... Part of him _wanted_ to think she'd spent her whole life pining for him until the very end. Such an assumption would deepen the wound and make it bleed all the more profusely. Yet... for the first time in his life maybe just _maybe_ Zaeed understood what it was to truly love somebody...

"I think... I'd _want... _to think that you _were _happy..." He read the words anew and with that sentiment in mind:

"_...Alice was a woman whose smile could lift the heaviest load from your heart. Her kindness knew no bounds. Somehow despite everything life threw at her she was giving, and loving, and open hearted to a fault. It is a testament to her character and strength of will that she endured all that she suffered with grace and virtue to the very end. Alice you were a beacon in the darkness, my brightest star. May your light guide me to your side once more when the time comes. Until then my love, you will be sorely missed."_

Zaeed's eyes watered. A single tear fell. It stung: the realisation that those words were as true as if he himself had written them, having all the potency of his _own_ feelings. The man who wrote that loved her, no doubt about it. "If he _loved_ you Alice..." Zaeed's voice all but strangled its way out of his throat, "If he loved you, and if you loved him... Then I guess I... I suppose I should try to step aside. I need to let you go. I'd like for you to have been happy, and... part of me now thinks maybe, just maybe, you were. I think I can live with myself, thinking that." He jabbed a boney index finger at her nose and smiled. "One day I'm gonna come visit you. I'm going to tell this to your grave. I promise." He took a deep breath and shook his head, "I... I'm sorry Alice. For everything. Nothing I could say or do will ever make that right but... I hope you're at peace with everything. I hope you found peace, love, happiness... all the many things that you deserved that _I_ couldn't give you. If _he_ gave them to you, then I guess I need to thank the bastard one day."

Zaeed breathed freely, although he was now shaking. The weight of guilt was lifting and that in itself was slightly intoxicating. He wiped away the trail of the tear that had fallen, and slowly with surprise. _Damn it all girl you __actually__ made me cry... _He half smiled at the power she'd had, _still _had over him. "Oh..." he thought he should add, "I should also probably tell you I've... well I've met someone - might almost be as special as you. She's my commanding officer - can you believe? Actually... I think you'd like her. Like you she's got a heart of gold. Since I joined her crew she's kept me on the straight and narrow, as I'm sure she'd give me a good hiding if I stray. You'd be impressed. Crazy bitch thinks just like you - everyone should have a chance to prove their worth, everyone has potential to be a good person. Personally I still think it's a load of bollocks but part of me might just be starting to believe it." He shrugged, and Alice stared back with benevolence. He remembered the troubled look she wore when he came home and told her proudly how he'd beaten someone to death with his walking stick for not paying his dues. He remembered every time he told a story like that how she'd just kind of look at him mournfully, not as if she pitied the people he'd hurt or killed that day but as if in some way these things had hurt _him_. He stared at the picture long and hard, hoping for a sign, a message, some way she could tell him her opinion. He _did_ get a pretty weird sensation, and he could almost hear the words he might have imagined she'd speak... _"It's OK... Shhh... You don't have to worry about me any more. Just promise... Promise me you'll do your best..?"_

"I promise. I promise I'll work hard not to let you down. I'll treat her like I should have treated you." Again he stared at her smile, and wished he knew these ideas he had about what she'd say were more than just his thoughts. Her smile eased his worry though. Slowly his heart lightened. He pressed the power button on the pad and politely waited for the image fade to black before carefully placing the pad down onto the floor. Zaeed swung his legs up and lay back into his cot with his hands behind his head. Slowly a smile crept onto his face as he stared at the ceiling. Tensing his stomach muscles he snatched a look in the direction of the hiding place of his last bottle of whiskey. Grinning with self-satisfaction he let himself thud back down to the pillow.

* * *

Next up is the date. Or at least getting to the venue. This man needs to stop trying so hard! And so do I... I've got to take a bit of a break to get my head around exactly what I'm going to do for the next chapter. Do I finish the story when the date ends? Or do I throw in some extra drama afterwards? I have an idea for an ending but you may love me and hate me for it... :S


	7. Chapter 7  Perfect Fit

27th March 2011

~ Finding The Heart ~

Perfect Fit

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the intellectual property of Bioware, not mine.

WARNING: Rated for MA for future chapters (even though I haven't written them yet – they could very well be). 16yrs+ readers only please. Foul language, adult concepts.

Author note: I've purposefully tried not to describe Shepard too much, after all, fans of Mass Effect will each have their own versions of Shepard, so I leave those parts up to your imagination.

* * *

Shepard's stomach was fit to tie itself in knots. She'd not heard about or spoken to Zaeed since he was here in her cabin two nights ago, when he declared his intention to take her on a date._ A date._ _Could be interesting..._ She had brokered shore leave for the crew with the Illusive Man. Perhaps 'brokered' isn't the right word... Shepard told the Illusive Man shore leave was going to be happening, when and where. _He_ suggested other ports. _She_ told him she was not interested in alternatives. _He_ started going on a rant about how he didn't bring her back to cause chaos to Cerberus operations and draw attention to the organisation in the heart of Alliance space (he was still rather sore about the whole blowing-up-the-Collector's-base thing). _She _reminded him that she was exactly who she was supposed to be, and that if he wanted to limit the damage shore leave was going to have on Cerberus' reputation, he was going to cough up some safe zones for the crew to be let loose... _Eventually_, he supplied the information. _Might at least come in handy later if I want to set the Alliance on them should he stab me in the back..._

Other than that, things had been pretty quiet, which only meant that Shepard had nervously counted down the hours until, well... now. There had been a quick stop for Zaeed to collect something just as they dropped into the system half an hour ago – that _had _ been a bit odd... It wasn't everyday that the moment EDI squeaked the ship's ID to Cerberus buoys in the system that some automated message came through about an expected delivery. If Zaeed hadn't confirmed it was indeed for him, she was well on the way to telling EDI to blow that so-called delivery ship to pieces with Garrus' second favourite toy (the Thannix cannon came second to his sniper rifle).

She'd worriedly watched each new report land in her inbox, fretting that maybe, just _maybe_ Zaeed would retreat back into that bottle despite his promise. She fretted that maybe he was a weaker man than she had hoped, or too deeply scarred to struggle out of his darkness. Still... She remembered their evening mending and re-painting ship models... She remembered the jokes and the laughter, the odd war-story exchange that accompanied each model, the bickering and the flirting... And she hoped. Hoped that there was more like that to come.

Of course she'd also been worrying that _some_body might have decided that Zaeed's donation of all his alcohol (now and forthcoming) wasn't good enough to forgive him from having been such an ass for the past month or so (Donnelly had a bit of a temper when crossed, but he was much worse when a friend of his was crossed). To her great surprise (and suspicion) none of the above had transpired. Instead she found herself anxiously waiting for some emergency to happen – and half wanting one – just so she could take her mind off waiting. _I suppose I only have myself to blame for this, if I hadn't decided relationships of any kind were a bad idea so long ago I might be well practiced at this enough not to be so fucking anxious over it. I was less on-edge when that half-built human Reaper sprang to life. This... is ridiculous._

The shower hadn't helped much. Well... It had helped at the time. It was only _after_ she'd finished and started thinking about what she was going to wear for this 'date' that Shepard truly realised just how lacking her wardrobe really was. Sure, she died, so whatever she had from back them was pretty much gone but truth be told her wardrobe really didn't look much different now from then. She scanned through her options: uniform no. 1, uniform number 2, oh and uniform no. 3! She had more variety in armour components that she had clothing. Oh wait – there was a singular casual outfit. Shepard didn't _do_ panic, but for just a moment she did consider it. Instead she simply cursed the wardrobe for its drab selection of contents, and she picked out the casual one. _Casual._ She commented sarcastically to herself,_ I sure don't __feel__ casual..._

The sound of the door chimed. "Who is it EDI?"

"Zaeed Massani is here to see you Commander. Would you like me to let him in?"

_No._ That was her first instinct. Looking for an alternative exit was her next instinct. She took a deep breath, tried to calm her thoughts and steady her nerves. She couldn't do much about the butterflies in her stomach "Go ahead EDI let him in." Shepard finished doing up her boots while she sat on the bed with her back to the fish tank. It was not the familiar sound of heavy boots that greeted her ears with his arrival. In fact she nearly missed the fact that Zaeed had entered at all – his footfalls were so quiet. As she stood up and turned around she was greeted by a sight that immediately had her raising an eyebrow with a quizzical smirk.

Zaeed was in black trousers and smart glossy leather shoes. To his chest he held a rather large bouquet of flowers which obscured whatever he was wearing from the waist up almost completely.

"Wow." Shepard managed, she was certainly surprised but tried hard to hide the fact that she wasn't really swooned by gifts. Seeing in his expression how anxious and uncomfortable _he_ was made her own anxiety melt away. "I umn... I wasn't expecting flowers!" She tried to say cheerfully, "I _do _appreciate the thought though. Thank you." She smiled.

"I uh... Hope they're OK." He jerked half a smile, clearly he could tell she wasn't overly impressed.

She broadened her smile attempting to reassure him, "They're beautiful." She said, walking over and taking them from him. "Hmm... Just got to find somewhere to put them..." She turned and looked for something – she found a vase she didn't even know she had in one of her un-used draws along with some hydrogel powder. _Wow, the Illusive Man seems to think of every occasion... Or maybe I have Miranda to thank for that?_ "I'll just put them here for a moment." She said, placing the bouquet down on the coffee table as she dashed into the bathroom. She emptied the gel packet into the vase and poured in some water from the tap - the powder quickly transformed the water into a thick blue gel.

She heard over the sound of the water Zaeed say: "They're already cut properly, had them do it just before delivery so erm... you just have to pop them in water and they'll be fine." The true implications of this hadn't yet occurred to her. Nor had the label or the type of flowers which she as yet had not noticed...

"Thanks." She said. Truth be told she would have forgotten she needed to do that anyway – so long had it been since someone bought her flowers. Anderson was probably the last person to do so. When he handed over the original Normandy to her command she walked into her quarters to find a bouquet of flowers and a note. He was the closest thing she'd ever had to a dad. It was his last doting gift to her, celebrating her wings, as it were. Reflecting back upon the bunch lying on the coffee table Shepard shrugged. _Actually... if they've been frozen they probably need to be cut again... _

Shepard moved with haste, not wanting to make them late if he'd booked a table (that was never a good way to start a date). Quickly she paced out of the bathroom eying a good place to put the vase – the coffee table was the best bet. Pulling a tiny knife from her belt she undid the packaging, only glimpsing the tag as she worked. Looking upon the flowers again she realised they were a mixture of various Earth breeds – carnations of various patterns and colours, crimson roses, violet freesias, black and yellow tulips, some rather stunning orchids whose petals almost glowed with their gradual shading through ocean blues, and a few miniature white lotus flowers mixed in with a few she did not know the names of. Many of these were breeds that did not fare so well being frozen, yet their colours were stunningly vivid and they did not look dyed or painted... Shepard inwardly nodded. _The man has taste at least._

She shuffled the bunch into order in the vase... That's when their scent hit her. "Wow!" She sniffed excitedly "These smell _gorgeous!" _ meanwhile slowly the cogs turned... _If these are constructs they're very good quality ones, but the colour and scent is so real... No these are __real__ Earth flowers – natural ones... Wait a minute...These are __fresh__..._ She breathed in deep, smiling in awe to have a little piece of Earth in her cabin that was neither sentient nor synthetic (herself she often counted as both since her resurrection), nor one of the Citadel-approved pets you could buy. Reaching for the card she quickly asked "Zaeed... where did you get these from?"

"Oh just this little place I know on Earth." Shepard caught the shrug in the corner of her eye but now she was too busy switching her stare back and forth between the card and the flowers incredulously. She was slightly speechless – _"Hand-picked by: __Emma__, at: __15:16h__..." _ The date was today's. _"...and shipped by LightSpeedDeliveries, __for the pleasure of the woman who turns my life upside down on a regular basis, with love, Zaeed__."_

"It says... these were picked today - a few hours ago in fact..." Shepard murmured with disbelief. Zaeed said nothing, as if suddenly shy. Slowly it dawned on Shepard how much synthetic flowers cost when this level of quality, so, considering these were _real_... "Do I even want to _know_ how much these cost?"

"Does it matter? Spend a little cash, buy a pretty girl some flowers. No big deal." He shrugged and gave a fragile smile.

"But this must have cost... I can't even imagine..." She shook her head and sighed, "Look, I just don't want you to think I expect this kind of expense on my account..." Shepard began to say defensively. It was instinct. Everybody seemed to be trying to buy her as of late. The Illusive Man tried to buy her loyalty with a ship and a crew and a mission she could sink her teeth into, plus a few personal touches like a few pieces of customised armour. The Council had tried to bribe her into staying out Citadel space by reinstating her SpecTRe status. Shepard even had a sneaking suspicion that if Harbinger could _buy_ from her a guarantee of her body and soul that it would pay better than the Devil himself...

"You forget something? I'm a rich man, Shepard. All those years spent as a bounty hunter..? The massive pay packet Cerberus gave me for joining your little crusade..? Only so much money a man can piss away on booze, top notch weapons and armour, and pleasurable company."

She turned around to face him with a troubled expression. "But still..." She tried to argue, but as soon as she turned the dispute evaporated as her eyes scanned up his body from his shoes to his shoulders. She'd never glimpsed him out of armour before, save a few days ago and that was only the top half of him. Any other words were momentarily silenced by the sight of him in an _extremely_ well-fitted Nehru suit... She visually appreciated the way the jacket followed the slope of his shoulders, falling off his chest and tucking in just below his ribs. _Oh... __Damn__... he looks __good__ in that... _He wore a silk waistcoat, exquisitely patterned (Arabic maybe?), embroidered in grey silver and black. She didn't even recognise the style of shirt and tie at all, but the walking cane he now held to his chest reminded her of something very old... and the words 'traditional English gentleman' came to mind.

"Oh ... Um..." She began, looking him up and down a second time. He raised an eyebrow as he watched her do this, and slowly the nervousness diminished and a smile crept to his face. The thought then occurred to her to reflect this upon her own appearance. "Oh damn it..." and felt extremely self-conscious. "Suddenly I feel somewhat underdressed..." She grimaced, "Um... I'm afraid I don't really have anything else to wear." She shook her head apologetically, "I mean, nothing that doesn't carry a Cerberus emblem on it, and I figured that might be a little unwise to wear on Earth..." She admitted awkwardly.

"That's quite alright." Zaeed acknowledged cheerfully, pulling his other arm from behind his back. "Figured you might not have much that would suit where I want to take you anyway – it's an unusual place – so I brought you something." He held out the silver-grey box he'd been hiding, tied with a red satin ribbon. Shepard looked at him questioningly as she took it from his hands.

"What is it?" She asked suspiciously. _How many credits __have__ you spent on me exactly? _She was about to ask but held her tongue.

"Take it into the bathroom and see for yourself." He shrugged.

Shepard did as he suggested. There was clearly no arguing about this unless she wanted to insult him. As the door whooshed shut behind her she undid the ribbon and lifted the lid. _... A dress._ First her fingers touched it – _satin_. It was luxurious to touch. She tossed the box aside as she lifted the item clear. _My god..._ It was an ankle length silver grey dress, all the same material. Shepard hesitated – she'd not been in a dress like this since... Actually she'd never been in a dress like _this_. She felt incredibly self-conscious at the thought of wearing it, and was within half a breath of taking it back to Zaeed but... The man had clearly gone to a lot of effort. He was really trying hard to make this a special occasion. _And who knows when their next shore leave would be_? Or if shit hit the fan who knew if they would ever get another shore leave before the next time she died? _No... One night. I can do one night as an ordinary woman. I can have one night where I let myself forget who I am and all that lies on my shoulders. Besides this thing feels luxurious and it'd be rude to refuse a gift..._

"Give me a minute I'm going to try it on." She shouted, quickly starting to strip, tossing her current outfit into a reasonably neat pile on the floor. She slipped the dress over her head and it fell _perfectly_ into place... _Oh my god he's good. This thing fits like it was tailored just for me._ Looking in the mirror she could see how it accentuated her curves. The satin rumpled around a low neck which curved upwards up to where the dress was held at her shoulders. The back of the dress fell all the way down to her lower back. She felt blood rush to her cheeks as she turned and realised her underwear were showing. "Ah. Huhm..." She exclaimed.

"Is it alright?" She heard Zaeed yell in concern.

"Umn... Yeah!" She shouted back, _Oh well..._ She hitched up the dress as she spoke, "It uh... fits very well!" Off came the plain dull-white panties, and the dress slid back down her body into place, now a _completely_ perfect fit with that fractional reduction in the size of her hips. She'd expected the bra would be a no-no, but she felt more than a little naked wearing nothing but the dress itself... Especially as it had two long splits up the sides. She would otherwise be glad of them – _never know when you're going to need to be able to kick someone in the face,_ she nodded appreciably – _but damn I feel naked! _Thankfully even though the splits came all the way up to her hips, a red Asari silk ribbon was laced many times from there down to the top of her thigh. The ribbons, although they had the texture of satin, stretched easily making it comfortable enough to move around and presumably sit whilst still keeping the dress snug to her figure. Lower down the threads of the ribbon were laced gradually further and further apart, gaping to reveal her legs as she moved until they reached midway down her thighs, tied off with a tiny bow with the two feet long ends dangling idly to her calves.

Shepard noticed there were also two red ribbons to tie around her back. One where her bra would have fastened, and another further down, perfectly placed to ensure a snug fit around her waist. Struggling a little she tied them. _Damn it I can't see what I'm doing!_ She turned to the mirror trying to see if she'd got them lopsided... She had. She undid them again. Re-tied. _Nope still not right!_ Eventually realising the task was taking _far _ too much time she admitted defeat and decided reluctantly the best thing to do was to ask for help.

Stepping out of the bathroom still trying to turn her head over her shoulder she asked as she fussed with the ribbons. "It's fine but I just can't get these tied straight..." She stopped mid-sentence when her eyes met Zaeed's. His draw had dropped and he was looking her up and down over, and over, and over. He swallowed hard.

"God. _Damn_. Fuck. _Me_..." He almost stuttered... Shepard smiled and laughed nervously and he added with raised eyebrows as he leaned back against the fish tank, crossing his arms and legs. "No. Seriously. Fuck me. Forget dinner. Just fuck me." He cocked his head on one side as his eyes glided up and down the sight of her again, "_Please_." There was a tone in his voice as he said 'please' that sent goosepimples up her spine. Shepard bit her lower lip and dropped her eyes with embarrassment as she smiled, but that only made him want her more. _Good __God__ this woman cleans up good!_ He thought to himself. Trying to contain himself he clasped the bridge of his nose and shook his head with a grimace, hoping – hoping what exactly? That he'd look again and she'd not be looking so god damn fucking hot? Snowball in Hell's chance of that. This damn sexy image of her was going to be imprinted on the inside of his skull for eternity. He was sure of it. "Well... I'll be damned... I guess this means I should actually _thank_ that bucket of bolts..." He muttered quietly, sneaking another peek, _hell I might have to buy him a couple of cans of WD40... _Zaeed took a deep breath, and let it go with a groan. _C'mon man pull yourself together... you got her that dress for a reason. Yes that reason too but something else is suppose to happen first, remember? Get on with it._ "Sorry... what was it you were saying?"

"I uh... I can't get these ribbons to tie up straight. I was um... wondering if you'd mind giving me a hand." She asked sheepishly.

Zaeed dragged his eyes up to meet hers and kept them there, managing to say nonchalantly "Sure. No problem." As he expected she turned around. Quickly uncrossing his legs he swiftly jerked his erection from 'tent pole poking left trouser leg' to 'vertical and pray that it's less obvious that way', pinning it down with is trousers and boxers - somehow he awkwardly managed to do this with his hands from the outside. He cleared his throat to cover the work and stepped forwards. "Hang on a sec," he said, taking the first two threads which came from either side of just below her armpits and tied them together in a bow. "That too tight?" He asked. _Fuck __me__ she smells good too..._

"No, no. It's fine." Shepard said, flinching her head to her right shoulder as she answered, quickly turning back her gaze afterward. The next ribbon threads were at her waist. _Bugger... _ He thought to himself, _If I get any harder my balls are gonna start aching..._ He accidentally touched his knuckle to the left of her spine as he collected the ribbon from that side – Shepard jumped.

"Hey... Hold still." He cooed, and revelled in another whiff of her scent. There was a slight scent of whatever she'd washed with, but, _no perfuum_. He was sure of it. _Just raw woman... Oh hell..._ He almost wept for wanting her.

"Sorry..." Shepard cleared her throat. "Not used to wearing things like this..." She mumbled. The ribbon tickled her as he tied the knot but she tried very hard not to flinch. She didn't even know she wasso sensitive around there. Maybe it was just her knowing he was so close. Zaeed, finished with the bow, lingered for another quick whiff of her scent, and his knuckle momentarily stroked down her spine as his fingers followed the dangling threads of ribbon which fell almost to the base of her spine. Shepard, who had barely breathed through this, took a sudden sharp breath.

"Mm..." Zaeed commented, hesitating for just a moment before stepping backwards – something that took a heck of a lot of effort. "There. Done."

"Thanks." Shepard turned around and smiled shyly, trying ever so hard to not stare at the floor or elsewhere. She pointlessly looked over her shoulder and twisted in an attempt to see his work before giving up. "Definitely not lopsided?"

Zaeed shook his head and scrunched his lips, "Definitely not lopsided." Then smirked.

"Ah shit..." Shepard stared at her feet and cringed at her oversight. "I've just realised. I don't have _anything_ that would match this dress in terms of footwear." She grimaced with despair. "Damn it..." _I'm really sorry..._ She was about to say when –

"And that would be why I _also _gotcha _these_." Zaeed said, reaching inside his suit jacket he pulled out from an inside pocket on each side, one dainty grey-silver open-toed slipper with a slight heel and red satin fastening after the fashion of the dress. Shepard didn't have to hide her surprise.

"You seem to have thought of everything." She grinned with bewilderment, taking them from his hand. Placing the right one on the coffee table she took the left one, lifted her knee and pulled it on. Unbeknownst to her Zaeed was damn near drooling over the as he got a really, _really_ nice view of her legs. As could be expected, she was in very good shape, and her calf muscles were really quite something from all that sprinting... Next she lifted her leg to place her foot on the coffee table to do up the buckle. Zaeed had to stop himself from groaning lustfully as his eyes followed up from her ankle to her muscular well-toned thigh – toned from years of darting into cover and springing up out of it... _Mary mother of mercy I've got to last a whole night with her looking like this... Fucking __hell__ she's got to do the other shoe yet..!_

The shoes were a perfect fit, of course. Shepard wanted to know _where_ he'd got such good measurements from. She swore she'd heard him mutter something about bolts just before, heaven knows what that meant. EDI perhaps? EDI would certainly have the processing power, and the inside intel to be able to work it out. She'd have words with the AI later... She started putting the right shoe on, this time just skipping straight to resting her foot on the coffee table. She got an extra delicious whiff of the flowers that way as she bent down. Meanwhile Zaeed longingly stared at the inside of her leg on display like a sick puppy. He was certain this could be classed as a form of torture. Torture he'd happily endure but torture nonetheless. As she finished and turned around he quickly changed his expression to one of gentlemanly etiquette and asked:

"Happy? Ready?"

"Yes. I guess so." She still wore her omnitool bracelet, but she felt particularly naked without a single knife or gun, nor anywhere to hide them...

"Let's go then." Zaeed turned towards the door. In his right hand he held his black walking cane, topped with a silver dragon that wrapped itself around the upper few inches of the shaft. He offered his left arm to Shepard with a beckoning nod. Slowly she took the offer and allowed herself to be led. Upon reaching the exit she took an apprehensive deep breath before stepping through.

_This__... could be quite a night..._

_

* * *

_Author note: Apologies for the delay in posting. I have family with friends in Egypt. I have Libyan friends studying for PhD same as me at my university, and I have a friend from Bahrain and several from Japan. As such I've been busy doing crazy things like standing outside our university Library and singing for an hour to raise awareness of the impact international events are having on our international students. I raised £20 for Red Cross' Japan appeal, and £20 for Red Cross' Libya appeal. If you think my stories are worth something, I'd love it if you could donate something to Shelterbox or Red Cross (various appeals), and I'd love it even more if you tell me about it! For future reference... Zaeed has arabic lineage from his name... Strange coincidence I started writing this just before everything kicked off in that part of the world in here and now's reality..._  
_


	8. Chapter 8 Moon Over Rat Pack

10 Apr 2011

~ Finding The Heart ~

Moon Over Rat Pack

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the intellectual property of Bioware, not mine.

WARNING: Rated for MA for future chapters. 16yrs+ readers only please. Foul language, adult concepts.

Author note: I've purposefully tried not to describe Shepard too much, after all, fans of Mass Effect will each have their own versions of Shepard, so I leave those parts up to your imagination.

* * *

_Most_ of the crew taking shore leave on Earth had already left. Shepard and Zaeed were among the last to go, leaving the Normandy in the hands of a well-trained few. Samara elected to abstain, requesting instead that if Shepard were available the next day that the pair of them visit Earth and Shepard introduce her to the human home world herself. _"My code is your code, Shepard. However, I would feel more confident in behaving accordingly if I have your guidance and company."_ Meanwhile Joker had decided he was not going anywhere for at least 24hrs. _"Oh I just want to be here to take pictures when you all drag yourselves back on board."_ He'd said, knowing that most if not all of the crew would have to or would prefer to return to the Normandy upon completion of their nighttime activities. It _was_ entirely possible he was getting unnaturally attached to EDI and didn't like the idea of leaving her behind... Shepard shook her head at the thought, but couldn't help smiling at the thought.

Garrus had vowed to stay behind because he didn't trust in Miranda's leadership abilities _and_ because he wanted to be sure there was someone around who could take command if needs be and look out for _her_, the crew's, and the galaxy's best interests. Besides, truth be told the First Contact War was still reasonably well-remembered, and a Turian on the human homeworld would certainly draw eyes. The Turian had come a long way considering he used to follow Shepard around like a puppy dog back when she was hunting Saren... He'd finally reached a point where she trusted him to act in her stead, and deeply valued his opinions and advice when he offered them to her. He and Tali remained the only member of her team who had returned to stand at her side, despite their reservations about Cerberus.

Several crew had stayed behind whose interests lay in another port, like Thane and his son who was still conducting community service on the Citadel. _I'll have to figure a way to get a second shore leave in where I can drop people off at different places..._ Shepard's mind idled in the time it took for the lift to ride down to the shuttle. However, even the burdens of a commander couldn't distract her long from her outfit, and the man whose arm she had her hand curled around...

_This is blatantly __exactly__ what it looks like. The whole damn crew is going to know what we're up to the moment I step out of that door... And __Joker__ is going to be piloting the shuttle!_ Shepard snarled and wondered if somehow she could hide in the lift and wait for a moment when nobody would see her in this eye-catching silver-grey satin dress tied with red ribbons, but as she looked up to Zaeed he caught her glance and threw her back this smile: brimful of pride. She instantly felt guilty for even thinking of trying to keep their togetherness private. _You got yourself into this, you're going to have to go along with it. It's not like you can pretend these feelings for him are going to go away. Do you __really__ care who knows? _

_Huh..._ Another thought occurred._ Of course there could be other reasons why this is a bad idea... I'm a legend, and for some reason __that__ means sometimes people like to pick fights with me. _Shepard rolled her eyes at the thought and muttered quietly: "I just hope nobody where we're going has a bone to pick with 'The Great Commander Shepard'..." she commented, "I feel completely naked without even a pistol at my side or a knife in my shoes..."

"Where we're going it's dangerous to stir trouble regardless where you hail from. Besides, can't spend the whole of the rest of your life cooped up on this ship. If trouble finds us we can handle ourselves pretty well, you and me." He winked at her with half a nod and patted her hand. Seeing she wasn't swayed he raised an eyebrow and added: "If it makes you feel any better this cane is more than meets the eye." Zaeed showed how with a twist and a press the silver dragon that topped the cane became a pistol and the shaft was full of heat sinks. "I also have a few small hardened-composite blades in my belt and pockets. I never go _anywhere_ unprepared. You're not the only one used to expecting enemies."

"O... K..." Shepard smiled, pleasantly surprised. "But _I_ still have nothing."

Zaeed shrugged it. "You have me." He almost looked serious, and Shepard was about to scowl when he laughed. "Not that I think you need me." He chuckled, "I've seen you in action. You don't need the help. I'm pretty sure you were unstoppable before I met you, but whatever it is Cerberus did to you when they brought you back I'd pit you against Miranda any day any place any time and bet she'd be the looser."

"You seem to have a lot of confidence in me." She looked at him sceptically.

"I told you I wouldn't have anyone close to me who couldn't single-handedly handle thirty armed men and I bloody meant it." _Look where you're standing._ His expression seemed to add to that. It was strange... She was used to thinking of their relationship in terms of _her_ considering _him_ as an unlikely relationship candidate because he didn't match up to her expectations – at least never before morally, and on _that_ matter there were no higher standards than Shepard's for a man to meet. The thought hadn't really occurred to her that Zaeed might be in any way picky about women. She rather thought he'd probably screw anyone given an open invitation. _Apparently my assumptions were off._ _But apparently I fit the bill?_ Shepard shrugged and tried to put her worries aside as the lift opened and they stepped out together. There were voices in the corridor, momentarily she froze. Unintentionally she squeezed Zaeed's bicep through the material of his suit jacket. Her eyes spotted several bodies. _Great. Just great._

"Huh." Zaeed commented, as he smirked and stood up a little straighter. Faces gawked. Smiles began to appear on a few of them as folks stood aside for the couple to pass.

"Quite a gathering you've got here." Shepard commented dryly, but it didn't make any of them move any faster. "I'm sure regulations stipulate meetings are not to be held on corridors. Did I miss an amendment?" Her cheeks now turning rosy red, "If you are staying on duty tonight I strongly suggest you look busy. I can think of plenty more jobs to add to your lists if you've run out of things to be doing." She added. Apparently they were almost as shocked to see Commander Shepard wearing such a dress as Commander Shepard was to find herself wearing it. It took them several moments to register what she'd said before clearing their throats and trying to look like they were on their way somewhere else. Of course, as she and Zaeed passed them by, she just _knew_ they were turning around to take a look. _Fine you want a show I'll give you one!_ She purposefully grinned her most sinister grin at them over her shoulder, and leaned in to Zaeed, who had a devilish smirk of his own as he cleared his throat and led her forwards. It did rather add to his air of dangerous charm in that jet black neru-style suit.

As they turned the corner to the shuttle bay however, Shepard's humour faded. She could hear the voice of the man that would make this occasion a part of daily comments for years to come. _Here we go..._ "NOT. ONE. WORD." She snarled at Joker as he began to open his mouth. But his grin was all she needed to want to shrivel up into a tiny ball and disappear. He chuckled quietly and quickly cleared his throat.

"As you wish. I will be your driver tonight ma-am, may I enquire as to your destination?"

_If I hit him I'll crack his skull._

_If I hit him EDI will refuse to follow any instructions hereafter._

_If I hit him Dr Chakwas will kill me..._

"London." _Thank goodness Zaeed intervened!_ "Little place called 'Moon Over Rat Pack' – I'll give you directions once we reach the city." Again he tapped Shepards hand before she could think of something threatening to say to Joker. Joker bowed courteously (well as courteously as he could), Shepard rolled her eyes and shook her head, meanwhile Zaeed... was grinning like an idiot.

Sitting in the back of the shuttle Shepard suddenly realised she had no idea how to _sit_ in this thing. Legs apart in easy soldier's pose was _not_ going to do. Cross-legged and Zaeed raised an eyebrow. She nearly barked _"well how else am I supposed to sit in this thing?" _ Instead she sighed and shook her head. And tried to speak quietly enough to Zaeed so as not to be heard by their eavesdropping pilot: "You're enjoying this, aren't you?" She scolded him quietly.

"Every bloody minute of it, mark my words." He nodded, and chuckled. "I should ask Joker for photos when we get back..." he added quietly, and Shepard dug her elbow into his ribs, prompting a satisfying "Oof!" from him.

* * *

Upon arrival Joker gently set the shuttle down. "Be sure to call me when you are ready to leave m'lady." He yelled in a faux posh accent, having of course safely locked the pilot's compartment beforehand. Nonetheless Shepard thumped the blacked out window between them and there was silence after that. _This dress was __not__ made for moving around in..._ Shepard thought to herself, carefully watching her step as she hunched down to make it under the shuttle's doorframe. She was about to step out carefully holding her dress out of the way when a hand appeared in front of her. Zaeed looked handsomely serious raising an eyebrow, and Shepard reluctantly placed her hand in his and allowed herself to be helped out and down onto the cold grey pavement.

A light grey drizzle was falling, making the pavements and rooftops shine in the dim evening light – "Typical bloody English weather..." he grinned, before quickly leading her into the odd-looking venue that would be the setting of this... their 'first date'. There was a small queue of couples waiting to get in, but Zaeed simply led Shepard straight through like he owned the place, sparing only a nod for the security. Inside they were met by the coarse sound of music – a brass trumpet was playing amid a lazy beat, easy piano and double bass improvisations. _Jazz._ Shepard thought, or at least that's what she thought it was. It was a decidedly human style of music – uniquely so according to her old music lessons. She quickly realised this put her even more out of her element. Shepard was a child to the electronic beats and synthesised sounds of multicultural dance music with alien rhythms, melodies and instruments. It was the music she'd always been used to in clubs. _This_ was totally different.

Walking inside they descended another reasonably narrow flight of stairs which fanned out at the bottom as they stepped down into a surprisingly large establishment. There were dozens of tables set with patrons being served their orders edging a very large open space where a few couples danced slowly in antiquated poses. On the other side of the dance floor from the tables was a stage with a large group of musicians, all dressed smartly with clothes Shepard had only ever before seen in textbooks and photos of the old Earth. _It's a real band too... _VI mixers were so easy and so cheap to find these days that it was pretty rare to find anyone willing to host (and pay for) real musicians to give live performances that weren't for proper concerts. She spotted saxophones, trumpets, trombones, a double bass player... _and I'll be damned: a __real__ baby grand piano!_ In fact _all_ were authentic instruments not digital versions. That was the most surprising thing.

Non-digital instruments were rugged, difficult things which constantly needed tuning, repairing, and fuss... Or so an old friend had once told her... Shepard's heart saddened with the memory... Hiro had been an astounding musician – he had been destined for greatness, sell-out debuts, great concert halls, fame and fortune. He'd been one of the many friends Shepard thought lost forever from her childhood... Then she found him again after the events that turned both their lives inside out, only to find out that in truth she was doomed to loose him to those events after all in the end. He had not managed to find solace after leaving Mindoir. Shepard's parents had been killed by the slavers that attacked her and Hiro's colony, but _his _parents had been _taken_. He'd turned to stims to stop sleeping, to stay the nightmares he had, imagining their fate. Then he'd turned to other things... and all Shepard could do was watch. In the end, she'd walked away. It was all she could do. He killed himself not long after.

Zaeed didn't catch the look of sorrow and of fear she threw him as he led her through the bystanders and diners. Part of her was frightened by all of this... She never wanted to get close to someone and be forced to give them up ever again, not like _that_. Hiro had been a friend. He'd been her one and only tether to the past and she'd always assumed they would have faced anything else life could throw at them... together. Zaeed could be _more_ even than that if she admitted it. As much as she followed her feelings logically to their conclusion (knowing she could not afford the trouble it would cause her to ignore them) she was also no less than terrified at the prospect of how this could end.

"Ah. There we go." Zaeed snapped her out of her musings as he spotted a waiter eagerly making his way to meet them.

"Mr Massani. Your table is ready, please follow me." Bowed the man with courteous enthusiasm as he met them, and led them in a new direction. Most of the band were taking a breather at the moment. They were sitting quietly on stage and barely visible next to the few who were currently performing in the spotlight, or milling about between the two bar areas that hemmed the room either side. Shepard became acutely aware of eyes falling upon her from around the room. She wasn't exactly _used _ to getting those kinds of looks. Sure she was used to people staring, but with wary concern either because they knew who she was, or because she had a commanding presence that generally put lawbreakers on edge. _It's this damned dress..._ she thought to herself, as she caught no few of the men (and some women) in the couples sat around her glancing her way with a sparkle in their eyes. She scowled at them disapprovingly, and was pleased when her commanding authority was re-instated. She also smiled with deep satisfaction as each one turned back to the woman they were with and found themselves being scowled at doubly hard.

Reaching their table the waiter slid the chair out from under the table for Shepard to sit. She thanked him. Zaeed did not sit but instead nodded to Shepard and asked "Want anything to drink?"

"Umn..." Shepard considered the prospect of asking for something alcoholic... and swiftly rejected the idea in present company. "I'd like some orange juice please."

"You sure? Just cuz I'm not don't mean you can't either." He shrugged with a smile.

"No, no. Orange juice is fine. Thank you." Shepard nodded to the waiter, who quickly turned to Zaeed.

"And you Mr Massani? What will you be having tonight? We've got some of the finest whiskeys stored just for you. '96 was a very good year."

"Thank you Jomo I'll have some Colombian coffee but..." Zaeed slapped his hand on the man's arm, "I'll get my drink from the bar myself. I want to go say hi to Tony and the boys anyway. It's been too long."

"That it has, Mr Massani, that it has." Smiled Jomo nodding enthusiastically. "OK I will bring madam her orange juice and I will bring you tonight's menu, but of course you know _you both _can have anything you want." He bowed to Shepard and departed.

"Old friend, Jomo is." Zaeed smiled as Jomo got out of earshot. "Good man. You wouldn't think it by the way he dresses, but he actually owns and runs this place – has done for many years. Runs it well too. Anyway... If you'll excuse me I'll just say hi to the lads then I'll be right back alright?"

Shepard nodded. Zaeed removed his long neru jacket and folded it over the back of the chair. Watching him move through the crowd she noted how he nodded at a few of the people seated and standing around. She _also_ noted that upon approaching the bar, folks moved out of his way. _I guess he must be well known here?_ It was nice actually, not to be the person everybody recognised out of the group she was walking around with for once. She watched as he spoke at the bar. He leaned forward a little to shake hands with a few of the staff. The waistcoat trim to his waist, while his black pants curved perfectly with the shape of a sprinter's backside as he leaned forward. _Oh damn..._ Shepard cleared her throat as his laughter rang clear above the crowd and shook her from her dreamy stare. She damn near jumped out of her seat as he turned to bring his coffee back from the bar. _Damn he looks __good__ in those black pants..._ She admitted, swallowing thirstily. It was a constant shock to her how physically attractive she found this man who was 15yrs her elder.

He came over with this huge grin on his face. "Old friends are the _best_ friends." He said, "They wanted to know how much I was paying for such a beautiful woman to be with me tonight – they don't believe me that you're here because you want to be." He chuckled and shrugged his shoulders and shook his head.

Shepard shook her head and blushed, but refusing to be embarrassed she turned to the bar where she could see several of them were watching, waved and blew them a kiss. "Do they know who I am?" Shepard asked, smiling back at them as they fell about poking each other and laughing at the act.

"Yes... and no. I told them who you were. They said I was pulling their leg but that you were a cracking good look-alike but that everybody knows Commander Shepard died two years ago. Jomo knows, but he's one of the few folks in this galaxy I trust to keep that to himself." Zaeed took his seat opposite her and pulled the chair up to the round table. "We go way back, me n' him. He saved my life. He's the one that found me after Vido thought he'd killed me. Got me to a hospital in the nick of time and stayed with me the whole time til I was better. He was a sales rep for some mildly dodgey firm or other, just happened to take a turn down the wrong – or right depending on how you look at it – alley. Spent some time together after that. He was an honest man, just there weren't many honest jobs in that place. He used to say he always wanted to run a club like this. Turned out we had more than a few things in common when it came to taste, so a few years ago I bought this place and gave it to him." Zaeed smiled and sipped his coffee. "He told me it was too much and refused to take it at first. Didn't believe I could afford it you see, so I told him he could have it but only if he always kept a table for me and didn't change a damn thing so long as we were both alive."

"Considering how much you seem to be a lone wolf, I must say I'm a bit surprised to find you've got so many friends." Shepard curled her hand under her chin.

Zaeed sighed and pulled a sour face. "They're good men. I know good men when I find them and I keep tabs on them. Aren't too many. But if you're asking me if I trust them... Or if I wouldn't kill them..." Zaeed's took on a darker expression, "I told you before: put a gun to someone's head and chances are they'll tell you whatever it is you want to know. No pay cheque would be enough for me to kill these guys outright, but if I thought they were going to get into a situation like that – where what they knew could affect my own survival – I'd kill 'em in a heartbeat before it happened. I'd do it quick and I'd do it clean, but I wouldn't wait for them to shame themselves. That's the way I work Shepard." Zaeed took a deep breath and nursed his coffee like it was as stiff as a shot of home-made vodka from Azerbaijan. Had to do that to someone once, wasn't fun. As such I now keep friends like these at a distance – I won't tell 'em anything that might get 'em killed at _my_ hands."

"OK. I appreciate the honesty." Shepard nodded and paused as she smiled. It was a dark smile, the kind of smile she used to stare down a varen. "I think you have major trust issues but I can see where they are coming from. Of course you know I have to now ask: what about me?"

Zaeed sucked air and thought about it. "Honestly? I don't know." He shrugged. "You've got..." He paused as if trying to find the right words, "There's something about _you_. People trust you. It's an instant thing. Noticed it the first time I met you. Hell I think even that twisted Cerberus bitch Miranda trusts you – and she's a wily one." The crowd erupted with applause around them, and Shepard and Zaeed noticed the easy blues melody had come to an end. Waiting for the noise to die down, Zaeed looked at Shepard. He seemed to scrutinise her for a moment, before continuing. "Also, remember how I said two kinds of people don't crack under that kind of pressure? The trained killer and the psychopath? Well... I think there might just be a third: the martyr. I figure you'd fall into _that_ category."

Jomo came with Shepard's drink, carefully sliding it in front of her. She nodded acknowledgement and thanked him, but the man could obviously tell a serious conversation when he saw one, because he placed the menus on the edge of the table and was gone without a word. "Martyr?" Shepard stared into her drink and smiled – _smiled_ at how nothing was ever simple, at how her job had become her life, and remembered Alenko. "I _am_ best known for my heroics, but martyrs don't order other people to die for them. When I was fighting Saren I had to chose which of my two closest comrades was going to die for my cause – a man who would have been my lover, or a friend." Shepard picked up the drink and swilled it around the glass. "The friend happened to be with a company of Salarian special forces. Both were in mortal danger. I chose to save the friend. I chose her because I knew from the moment I saw Sovereign I was going to need to safeguard as many forces as possible for times ahead. I figure you should know that before _this..._" She gestured a waving hand between the two of them, "...goes anywhere – and before you start throwing words like 'martyr' in my direction."

Shepard thought for a moment that the night was over following that, but Zaeed simply stared at her as if with new-found respect and nodded. "I understand." He finished his coffee and as if satisfied with that as an ending to the conversation, changed the subject. "So... Tell me something about the great Commander Shepard that I haven't already heard about in the vids."

Shepard laughed, so shocked was she by the man's nerve. "Well... Umn..." She started, "Really I have no idea what they put about me in the vids and what they don't. I lost my parents at a young age – slavers. I enlisted as soon as I could – I'd been saved by an Alliance patrol and they were the closest thing I had left to family, I guess." _And I had to walk away from Hiro..._ "A few years later I found myself fighting off a Batarian raid on a colony – slavers again. Few years ago there was a girl who was taken by the same slavers that killed my family, in the same attack no less, who somehow was rescued and brought to the Citadel. Poor girl was damn near crazy and threatening to kill herself, so they called me in to talk to her. I managed to talk her down and I think she's in care." Shepard shrugged and despite her dress she felt ugly. The ugly dark that forever hazed her memory clung to her like Omega's stench clung to clothes, and it weighed her down. She stared into the bright golden orange of her juice and tried to paint the memories away with the colour. "To sum it up, me and slavers go a _long_ way back. Even ended up killing the one that led the raid I fought off – he laid a trap for me in the hopes of revenge years later when I was chasing Saren."

Zaeed was quiet for a while, watching her. She didn't see the anger in his expression – her eyes remained on the drink in her hands. She didn't catch the soreness of it as he stared at her and clenched his fist. "Slavers huh? Dirty bunch." He exhaled, loudly. "Met a few. Slippery as you like and mean as hell. Not people you ever want to have your back."

"Yeah." Shepard lifted her drink, stared again into its colour and took a sip, mentally washing away her memories with the colour as she swallowed. It was smooth as milk but had a real sharpness to it. She smiled and shook her head. "Hey I'd forgotten what freshly-squeezed orange juice can taste like. I should make a point of asking Gardner to get us some every time we make a port we can get real fresh fruit from."

"You should try the coffee. It's to die for." Zaeed took a mouthful of the steaming liquid and grinned with a sparkle in his eye. It was his sense of humour coming through again. Have a morbid conversation and expect him to take the piss out of it in a morbid way. It was good in some ways to see that excluding seeing what a certain lust for revenge had at one time done to him, he was very much a man who didn't take himself too seriously.

"So." Shepard raised her eyes to his, expressionless except for a raised brow. "What's next?"

"Dinner." He nodded with a toothy grin, and passed her a menu.

* * *

Hmm... There's a hint about things to come in this chapter. Hope you enjoyed it. Just so you know I've already written the next chapter, and started the one after it, but I might have to wait a while before finding time to put them up. My PhD has 9 months left on it before my funding runs out, and life besides that is also pretty damn hectic! One more chapter, then the next one gets X-rated (I warn you now).


	9. Chapter 9  All The Way

29 April 2011

~ Finding The Heart ~

All The Way

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the intellectual property of Bioware, not mine.

WARNING: Rated for MA for next chapters. Some foul language.

Author note: I've purposefully tried not to describe Shepard too much, after all, fans of Mass Effect will each have their own versions of Shepard, so I leave those parts up to your imagination.

* * *

This unlikely pair had spent well over an hour engaged in idle discourse over dinner, getting to know each other's history – or at least the parts of it that each was willing to share at this point.

"Yeah. So I guess you could say I missed my chance. But..." Zaeed stares into the fizzy (non-alcoholic) contents of the glass in his hand as he twists it, "I guess I... should really thank you, Shepard." He declares with fascination as the light shimmers off the mixing colours.

"Oh? What for?" Shepard slid him a look of suspicion before pouring more soy sauce into a small china dipping dish.

"Well... I think..." Zaeed huffed as he placed the glass carefully to the side, "I could well 'ave blown you a hole through the hull for my trouble, if you hadn't turned up when you did." Knife and fork now grasped firmly in his hands he hunts for a another chunk of meat in his bowl. "But besides that, I'd never 'ave thought to take another look at her obituary if you hadn't given me... _other_ things to distract me with for a while." Stabbing his prize he grinned with a raised eyebrow as he looked up at her from across the table. Shepard swallowed her own morsel and patiently waited for him to elaborate.

His face contorted with pain as he chewed, although it was clearly the topic of conversation that tasted bitter. "I'd spent all my time 'til then wallowing in how I should have done better by her, should 'ave tried." He shrugged and sighed impatiently as he glanced up at her: "Look I know you don't think much of my life, but I never had a problem with it 'til the day I found out... you know... that she'd survived, then gone n' bloody died before I got chance to take in the fact that she'd survived, let alone had chance to've done something with that tiny revelation." Zaeed hesitated, then slumped his shoulders as he stared at his meal. "I guess I was being pretty damn selfish. Nothing new there. But..."

Pausing for another mouthful he shrugged: "Well after I'd sat talking with you, sorting out your sodding model collection" - with a grin on his face that told her he'd really enjoyed that evening - "I went back and I looked at her obituary again. _Made_ myself look. _Made_ myself feel the pain and take it in." Shepard frowned but he justified this masochism: "It has to be a part of me Shepard – that's the only way I can deal. But looking at her picture again... I actually realised she was smiling." Zaeed looked up with this sort of vulnerable, half-smile, an expression that made Shepard realise how handsome he could be when he wasn't scowling, and how heart-stoppingly gorgeous he must have been in his youth... before the scars. "She was bloody _smiling_, Shepard. bright as sunshine !" The smile broadened, "After I realised _that _I re-read what was written in her obituary and it booted me up the arse. She not only _looked_ happy Shepard, I think she actually _was._ I hadn't managed to ruin her life, and the guy that wrote those words about her loved her as surely as I should have."

"Does this mean you feel less guilty over not knowing what happened?" Shepard asked, hopeful. "You could never have known she was alive." When Zaeed shrugged Shepard added: "If she really was the type of person you describe her to be, I'll bet she forgave for everything too."

There was a sadness in his eyes – just a glitter of hurt pride. "I _wish_ I could say that for certain... I mean... I _do_ feel more at peace with the whole thing now. Knowing that despite everything she could still smile like that eased the pain I'd felt over what'd happened. It's just... well... realising that she did have a life after all that, that she moved on, found someone else, found a way to smile like that without me..." Zaeed shrugged, hovering with another meaty morsel skewered on the fork he now studied.

"I guess that must hurt a little. Realising in the end she didn't need you..." Shepard tried to not to cringe at her own words.

"Yeah." Zaeed was momentarily expressionless. He shrugged and frowned, taking the meaty lump, chewing it then washing it down with the drink. "But it's certainly made me think about what I'd do if I ever got a chance like that again." He looked up at her and smiled that fragile smile again. "One thing's for certain: I owe it to her to be more than I was. Better. And of course to treat any lady crazy enough to give this old geezer a try a heck of a lot better than I _ever_ treated 'er."

_Don't pin all those hopes on me..._ was Shepard's first reaction. She said nothing, as she tried to figure out why her first reaction to this was fear... It was entirely possible that being loved was more terrifying than dying. She could actually vouch for that – being able to literally weigh up what it was like to feel both. It was terrifying..._ but more so if you think you might like to love that person back..._ She thought to herself. _So is that the reason? _ She couldn't explain why he now set tingles in her tummy when he smiled. He just... did. That's what frightened her. That and the fact that it was despite every despicable thing she'd ever read in his résumé._ I guess I should try and enjoy this inexplicable madness..._

The meal had been beyond delicious. It was like dining with a king, the way it seemed anything they wanted would be found and prepared and presented to them. Shepard had enjoyed a personal favourite – sushi as only sushi should be eaten: freshly prepared by an excellent traditional Japanese chef. The taste of real wasabi had damn near ruined her dress... It had certainly lowered her reputation what with Zaeed laughing his socks off at the sight of her eyes streaming as the burning shot up the back of her nose, making her nearly cough the mouthful out all over the place. She had mixed in the wasabi with the soy sauce and pickled ginger (her personal favourite combo), but her mistake had been to plunge the seaweed-wrapped tuna and rice roll into it without realising the roll _itself_ contained a decent dollop of wasabi. It had almost been an explosive combination. She _had _kicked Zaeed under the table afterwards for laughing so loudly. Of course she herself couldn't help but laugh as well... once her eyes had stopped watering, that is.

It's funny, she'd never really noticed how his laugh before now had always brought a smile to her face. Every "Hah!" when he downed a target. She just used to roll her eyes and pity the man that found killing so entertaining, but at the same time it use to make her laugh – there was everyone else sounding pent-up and aggressive except for him and Garrus who'd constantly be exchanging remarks like "Sniped that one!" and "And stay down!" – the pair of them together used to do her head in. Thane and Samara of course were calm at all times. But while Zaeed didn't seem to take the sadistic pleasure that Jack or Kasumi did in dispatching victims (and when Jack got her hands on someone they were definitely a 'victim'), it did always seem like he was the easiest to please. Put him on a battlefield surrounded by enemies to kill and he was like a child in a playpen full of new toys. _Simple things for simple minds_... she used to think with a small amount of envy. Whilst _she_ was busy fretting about whether they were going to get out of this alive because she had other bigger and more important things she'd got to survive to take care of afterwards, _he_ was invariably off in his own happy little trigger-pulling world.

Shepard looked at the now near-empty dishes she had been served and decided that perhaps food was her own private little simplistic pleasure. Prawn, tuna, octopus, cuttlefish, salmon and mackerel... She'd hesitated before ordering it all – heaven only knew what her breath stank like now! Nonetheless Zaeed had insisted he would share a little of whatever she had and that she do the same of his food, declaring that he had every intention of getting within more than 3ft of her later... The first major hint that tonight might be a long night. He had himself a rather glorious curry – sauces of rich turmeric gold, bright paprika reds and shades of ruddy brown, with spiced rice, popadoms and naan. Shepard had shared some of _his_ spicy selection too, and as it turned out both of them had a lweakness for ginger.

"Wow... I don't think I've eaten this much good food in _years._" Shepard grinned, and tried not to be tempted by any more, lest the dress she was wearing look more like it was fitting the form of a pregnant woman.

"Good grub. Can't beat it. One of the best places for human food in the galaxy I reckon." Zaeed grinned, washing down another mouthful this time with some water. He picked up the menu to give to her, "Hey have a look at the menu – you can have a look and see if there's anything that catches your eye. There's a _lot_ to choose from."

"Oh." Shepard took the menu but shrugged and patted her belly as she laid it down on the table. "Much as I'd love to I think I'm stuffed! I'll burst if I try to eat anymore, so I'll avoid the temptation, thank you." She smiled.

"Fair enough. Must admit I'm not sure I could stomach anything after this either. They rather over did it with the selection. Over-enthusiasm I guess. I've not been here for a long while." Zaeed went back to polishing off the last of his rather large feast. How one man could eat that much and still be able to move was something Shepard had to shake her head at.

Waiting for Zaeed to finish she stared off into the dancing couples, shuffling cheerfully around the dance floor to the lazy melody. "_I tried so... not to give in. I said to myself this affair never will go so well. So why should I try to resist when baby I know so well: I've got you under my skin..." _Shepard smiled at the words. _I think I could learn to like this kind of music,_ she thought, as the swinging melody of the male singer backed by the brass band cast a spell of relaxation upon her. As the song ended, she applauded with the crowd.

Suddenly the band swung into a new jovial melody – something about 'That old black magic...' – the crowd momentarily clapped louder, and then the dancers started jig about a little more energetically. Shepard realised it had been a very long time since she'd done this: stared out into a crowd and simply enjoyed the sight of other people enjoying themselves. _It's things like this I'm fighting for,_ her conscience reminded her, _people, places, ways of life... culture, history, diversity..._ She looked at Zaeed. She smiled sweetly just for a moment, thankful of the reminder at a time when her life just seemed to get darker and more riddled with complex twists and turn every day.

"What?" He looked up and caught her expression, having finished his last mouthful.

"Oh umn." Shepard cleared her throat. "I was just thinking this..." she tilted her head towards the swinging dancers, "kinda reminds me what it is we're fighting for. It's good to be reminded." She smiled. Zaeed looked at her incredulously. "Oh common! There's got to be something you want to fight for that _isn't_ money!" She taunted with a grin.

"Nope." Zaeed took on a serious expression and his voice followed suit. "I'm not like you, Shepard." He sighed, and his eyes met hers with forceful clarity. "Saving the galaxy and the billions upon billions of billions of lives within it? Don't mean a damned _thing_ to me. I joined up with you for the massive payout." Shepard looked him over and she didn't buy it. Not any more, she didn't.

"Really." She stared at him deadpan. "Concentrate on being 'big goddamn heroes' I recall you once saying."

"Well there _were_ the low odds of survival to it, too. Guess you could say I was getting kind of bored of living. I was already the best at what I do. Sounded like an adventure so I jumped at it – I'd either survive and go down in history, or I'd die in a blaze of glory at a time of my choosing."

"Reputations are merely what other people think of you." Shepard interjected.

"Look," Zaeed grinned as he shook his head – it was that sadistic grin he sometimes wore, the one that had occasionally turned her stomach, "I couldn't give a toss if other folks call me a hero. I don't care _what_ they remember me by, so long as they remembered me for _something_."

"And yet somehow that just doesn't ring true to me anymore." Shepard drew her eyes away and played with the green tea that swirled inside the small cup she held in her hand. Her actions were carefully rehearsed, practiced with the goal of prying the truth out of whomsoever She spoke with. Maybe Zaeed had been around her enough to notice this, maybe not. Either way he shrugged as if defeated and sighed.

"To be honest with you... even those things mean little to me now."

Shepard shrugged. "If you want my advice, you better find something that does. No point doing anything unless you know why it is you're doing it." She was giving him a way out, a way to walk away without hurting her feelings and without any shame. Of course, deep down if she admitted it, it was her who wanted to run away, it was her who wanted him to take the exit.

"I'm not going _anywhere_." Zaeed stared off into the distance as he spoke, but it was clear from his tone of voice what he meant as he turned his eyes to meet hers and added: "Not _this_ time." Shepard threw him a puzzled look, tipped her head on one side but just as she was about to ask him what that meant (she had her suspicions) the crowd erupted with applause as the band finished. She clamped her mouth shut and smiled disbelievingly instead. The dance floor began to clear as so often happened regardless the style of music when a particularly well-loved and energetic tune ended. Zaeed looked at the band, caught the singer's eye with a slight lift of his hand. Slowly he rose to his feet tugging down his waistcoat. He rolled his shoulders and took a deep breath before turning towards Shepard. A very, slow melancholy melody began to play. "Care to join me for a dance?" He offered her his hand.

"Dance..?" The terror in her eyes was evident and Zaeed did a very, _very_ good job of keeping a straight face, despite this being the one and only time he'd _ever_ seen this battle-worthy woman actually _frightened_ of something (well except when that damn idiot turian Garrus got his face blown off by Tarak's rusty old gunship of all things).

"That dress looks_ far_ too good on you for you to just to sit around in it at a table all night."

"I don't think you understand." Shepard shook her head, wide eyed. "I don't _dance._"

"Sure you do. I've seen you shaking your ass in plenty of clubs when we're on our way between missions."

"That's different."

"Really? How?" He smirked and folded his arms as he leaned back. He knew she was terrible at dancing. He _had_ to know that already.

_He is loving every damn minute of this isn't he? _"It's an entirely different thing. That's not... proper dancing. Not like _this_." Shepard gestured to the crowd. "Hell it's usually more to make Garrus laugh than anything –he thinks I'm a terrible dancer. Nobody _sane_ would say that I can dance. Peg a spindly Salarian with a rock at fifty yards as he streaks across a busy cargo bay like a pyjak to a krogan food store? Sure, no problem! Choreographed dance moves? You've got to be kidding me."

"I'll _show _ you. All you have to do is stand still and sway a little. Easy."

"No."

Zaeed held out his hand again. "Shepard, don't make me look bad. I'll never live this down as it is." He grinned, still good humoured but not about to take no for an answer. Eventually Shepard gave in.

"Alright alright." Shepard scorned him with a frown before slowly rising to her feet. She was about to mutter some complaint or other when he slipped his fingers around her waist and stole the breath out of her with the butterflies that set in loose in her stomach.

"Besides... They're playing our song." He whispered into her ear as he guided her.

Shepard balked – "_Our_ song...?" but Zaeed had already led her onto the dance floor. She tried not to look around, because she _swore _most of the room was watching them. She could feel their eyes. "Zaeed..." She protested but:

"Shh..." he said, lifting her hand to his shoulder as he turned to face her. His other hand found hers and he took a step towards her. Gently he pressed his body to hers and you could say that got her attention – especially as he leaned his head ear-to-ear with hers and she could feel his breath upon her neck. "Just listen, and move with me."

_I am not a child!_ She was about to protest, but realised just how childish that in itself would sound. Then male singer started to sing... And as he did so, he softly soothed her temper...

"_When somebody loves you... It's no good unless he loves you..." _The singer smiled and winked at her, _"All the way..."_ Shepard sighed, and began to shake her head. _"Happy to be near you, when you need someone to cheer you..." _She couldn't help the smile beginning to creep across her lips, though. _"All the way..._" Slowly, she allowed herself to be led in time to the music:_"Taller... than the tallest tree is – that's how it's got... to feel."_ The arm around her waist and hand holding hers guided her,_ "Deeper... than the deep blue sea is – that's how deep it goes... if it's real." _

Her eyes sheepishly met Zaeed's. _"And when somebody __needs__ you, it's no good unless he __needs__ you..." _ The singer made clear his emphasis: _"__All__ the way..."_ Zaeed wore an expression of earnest sobriety._ "Through the good or lean years, and through all the inbetween years..."_ and the last of her tension melted away... _"Come what may." _ He squeezed her hand gently as they swayed. _"Who knows... where the road will lead us - only a fool... would say..." _Zaeed pulled her closer as he stared into her:_ "But if you let me love you..._ _It's for sure __I'm__ gonna love you... __All __the way... __All__ the way."_

The singer turned to the band and nodded as a trumpet player began an easy melody solo. Zaeed leaned in to speak softly into her ear: "Shepard you do what you do because you _believe_ in saving the galaxy. That's what you want."

"_All... the way..."_ - The singer's timing was impeccable.

"Truth is I couldn't care less what happens to the galaxy, because I'm damn sure nobody in it really gives a toss if I live or die. That's the god's honest truth."

"_Come what may..._" – Again the singer couldn't have timed that better. Or Zaeed knew this song very well, the trumpeter continued the melody.

"You asked me what I wanted Shepard. This is what I want:" Releasing her hand he slid his fingers around her neck as he made damn sure she was close enough to hear _him_ above the music: "I want one person who's worth saving the galaxy for – one person who's opinion matters to me so much I'd throw myself into hell if she asked me to. _One_ person who's worth dying for." His words then echoed the words spoken by the singer: "Shepard if you let me love you, you can be damned _sure_ I'm in it all the way." The singer added his voice to close as the melody slowed:_"All... the... way..."_ Although neither of them would see it, the singer was smiling like a cherub over the pair as the band drew the melody to an end. _"All... the way..."_

Shepard swallowed hard, searching his eyes. You could say he'd got under her skin. "I never knew you were such a hopeless romantic Zaeed." She made her best effort to hide it with the seductive tone in her voice. Somehow she knew he didn't buy it.

"Not hopeless..." Zaeed taunted her lips with his as he spoke, and smiled that devilish smile of his. The room was filled with the sound of clapping hands. Somewhere over in the direction of the bar there was a cheer, followed by whistling and more loud cheering _"Alright Zaeed!"_ She heard one yell. Shepard spotted the group of waiters, bar keeps and Jomo – it was they who were making the most noise. She looked to Zaeed with a stifled grin. Zaeed dropped his head, sighed, looked towards the motley crew and scowled. "Thanks fellas." He yelled back at them, although it was obvious they hadn't embarrassed him _that_ much. He turned back to Shepard with a wise smile and rolled his eyes: "Wanna get out of here?"

Shepard smiled and nodded enthusiastically (she didn't particularly like having an audience either): "Lead the way."

Zaeed grabbed his coat from his chair at their table, then grabbed her hand and led her through the crowd, with the sound of jeering male voices erupting as he did so. Shepard waved goodbye, and they whistled back at her. Shepard rolled her eyes, grinning despite herself and shook her head still unbelieving of the level of embarrassment she had just experienced as they climbed the stairs – their jeers lingering behind them.

Shepard spotted some toilets on the way out and excused herself. Whilst washing her hands she received several envious looks from women entering and leaving, which was a little strange... Could Zaeed really be that well known as to have women lining up..? She ignored them, dried her hands and departed. Coming out of the toilets she caught the eye of some newcomers still queuing for the cloakroom, one guy barred her path. _Great. Can't go __one__ night without someone picking a fight with me..._ She was thinking, when the man spoke. "Wow..." He said, "What's a pretty thing like you doing on your own in a dress like that?"

He was about to take a step towards her – ready to swoop her posessively into his arms... Or so he thought. Shepard had already worked out which side he was leaning on and therefore which side to move and where to tap to make the guy fall flat on his face. However, out of nowhere Zaeed appeared and raised an arm between them. The man was instantly ready for a face-off, until he looked up at Zaeed's and - with apparent recognition - instantly wilted. "Sorry lad, the lady is with _me_." Shepard threw him a grateful look, although perhaps only her and Zaeed knew this was less for her being rescued and more for him saving her the trouble of planting the guy's face into the carpet.

"Oh. Err..." The young man sputtered. "Mr Massani. My mistake. Please accept my apologies."

"Not a problem." Zaeed shrugged and stroked his hand down Shepard's spine, making her shudder before she could say anything. "Enjoy the band – they're really swingin' tonight." Zaeed turned and guided Shepard away. He smiled and nodded to the bouncers who politely smiled and nodded in their direction as they passed by: "G'night sir. G'night ma'am."

"You OK?" Zaeed chuckled as they stepped outside.

"..." Shepard stopped herself from answering and just shook her head and sighed. Then composed herself and politely commented "I don't really need protecting, but thanks for saving me the hassle of planting his face into the floor."

Zaeed laughed. "Wasn't you I was protecting." They both laughed and walked along the promenade together. He turned them down a cobble-stoned small road, whose stones had been warn flat from a thousand years of use."I love places like this." Zaeed gestured, bringing them to an stop at the apex of a bridge arching over a long stretch of water. Surrounding buildings were a mixture of very old brick and stone architecture. "Don't build stuff like this anymore, but something about this place always makes me feel at home, even though I was born a thousand light years away on another planet and I never lived here."

"Actually I was just thinking along similar lines myself." Shepard stared up the length of the waterway, noting the reflection of the orange-pink sky and industrial landscape that filled the view. The air was still, but there was a slight chill to the summer night's air. Shepard shivered, so used to climate controlled ships, stations and armour was she.

"Here. I don't need it." Zaeed removed his jacket and placed it about her shoulders and pulled her closer to him.

"I'll be fine." She was about to stubbornly hand it back... "But..." ...and yet again gave in to how happy giving up his coat seemed to make him. "Thanks." _Simple things indeed._

"This is a canal." Zaeed explained, "Folks used to use them way back for transporting goods all over the city. Now it's mostly just leisure use but they used to say that canals were the lifeblood of the cities in this land. See that? It's called a 'bridle path' – used to have horses walking along them, pulling a boat full of goods along. One horse could tug several times its own weight thanks to that water."

"Like having an anti-grav lift I guess." Shepard traced the canal with her eyes.

"I reckon you probably carry a _million_ times your own weight in responsibility. Those horses had it easy I think." Zaeed smirked. Heaven only knows which of several questions he was actually asking with that – if any. Maybe it was just a statement, an acknowledgement that he knew his place in all her priorities...

"I... Just do what I have to do."

A moment's silence followed as she thought over her instinctive response, and Zaeed pulled her a little closer. With Zaeed what you saw was what you got, except for the fact that he always seemed to be able to pull something unexpected out of his sleeve. Her thinking about her answer was probably exactly was his question was intended to do.

Finally he announced as the last of the light began to fade, "C'mon, or we'll keep Joker waiting."

The roads darkened around them as they walked, until the landscape took on a more familiar hue of modern lights and neon signs. It had been a wonderful evening. Free from gunfire, just a nice, quiet non-life threatening evening that was spent off-ship in and amongst ordinary people. If nothing else, she owed Zaeed a debt of gratitude for that.

"I'd like to do this again some day." She commented wishfully.

The smile Zaeed gave her told her that he agreed, and knew all the other meanings she had for those words: _If we get the chance, Hell yeah._

* * *

_Author note: Songs mentioned/lyrics quoted from songs..._

_"I've Got You Under My Skin" - by Cole Porter_

_"That Old Black Magic" - written by Harold Arlen, with the lyrics byJohnny Mercer_

_"All The Way" - written by Jimmy Van Heusen, with lyrics by Sammy Cahn_

If you're a Star Trek DS9 fan you may appreciate why I'm particularly fond of the last one._  
_


	10. Chapter 10  Take me seriously

07 May 2011

~ Finding The Heart ~

Take me seriously

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the intellectual property of Bioware, not mine.

WARNING: MA this chapter and next. 16yrs+ readers only please. Adult concepts and certainly adult material!

Author note: I've purposefully tried not to describe Shepard too much, after all, fans of Mass Effect will each have their own versions of Shepard, so I leave those parts up to your imagination.

* * *

Thankfully Joker had kept his mouth shut the whole time on the way back to the Normandy. _Wonder if Zaeed said anything to him..?_ She didn't quite trust Zaeed... Something told her he was the kind of guy who would smile sweetly at the person who just crossed him, wait for his back to be turned, then break his neck. If the reaction the guy that came onto her in the club as they were leaving (when he realised _Zaeed_ was who she'd come in with) was anything to go by, this was almost certainly true.

In this instance, she fully suspected that when one or other of them had taken a trip to the toilet, that Zaeed had made a call to Joker and laid down the law that on no uncertain terms every bone in his body would be broken if he uttered one word after picking them up, because he didn't want the mood spoilt. Although she'd hate to admit it, part of her did rather like the idea. She figured it was the sort of care and conscientiousness that Miranda found so loyalty-inspiring about Illusive Man – the little things, the things he'd think of so she didn't have to when it came to luxury. Anything to keep her on-side. _Now who was I thinking all this about? Oh that's right. Miranda._ _Not__ me..._ Shepard reminded herself.

They were apparently the first ones back, and the ship was particularly quiet. They made their way out of the shuttle bay alone and unwatched (well, save EDI of course). Shepard was slowly getting used to moving around in this contraption of a satin garment. She was even almost managing to walk gracefully, instead of with her usual 'soldier's grace'. She was quite pleased with her progress as the rode the lift up.

The lift doors opened onto the deck where Zaeed resided. "Thank you for giving me the pleasure of your company this evening." Zaeed nodded his head.

"Zaeed I had no idea you could be such a gentleman." Shepard remarked, still slightly disbelieving of all of this. The flowers. The dress. The dinner. The song. _There's always a catch... always a catch..._

"Oh ho! Well... Only when a lady is present." He bowed as he laughed mockingly, and winked.

"I wouldn't exactly call myself a _lady_ Zaeed." Shepard raised an eyebrow and pulled a sour face.

"Maybe not. But you _are_ one, nonetheless." He smiled with wisdom and arrogance. "And tonight, you were my lady, which makes you _doubly_ worth the effort." But with that he turned to go, his knee-length black Neru jacket swirling as he did so. _Huh? _ In an instant she realised that he was _not_ going to stay in the lift with her up to her quarters. A gentleman he may have behaved tonight, but he certainly wasn't one on any other day. Well, except for his occasional "After you" on the battlefield when she was barking the order to follow her sometimes, but she was pretty sure that was more humour than politeness: _After you. You want to stick your head out and go first that's your problem_. So, she wondered:_ Why go to all this effort? The flowers, the dress, the dance, the song... If he's not expecting a reward at the end of it?_

"Are you expecting me to be completely swept off my feet by all of this?" She scowled at him suspiciously, trying to play _his _game with half a smile. She was ready to roll her eyes at his answer with amusement._ Expecting me to run after him and 'convince' him to 'have his way' with me?_ _Hah! All he has to do is ask... I don't mess around._ Then her thoughts took on a darker tone: _In fact so long as we're behind closed doors I'm not entirely sure he'd even have to do that... _Some part of her _still_ found the whole idea of being attracted to him difficult to accept, pondering if it could be a sign of her degrading personal standards. That part of her also darkly wondered how she might compare with some of his previous 'pastimes'..._ Whore..._

"No." He said, sighed, and shook his head as he turned back to face her. Shepard instantly realised she'd just screwed that up completely. _Tact... There should be a Cerberus upgrade for that. Heaven knows I need one..._ For just a moment hurt and confusion were betrayed by his expression. _I really got that wrong didn't I?_ He quickly covered it up with a confident, wizened smile and a wink as he spoke softly: "No I expect you to take me _seriously_."

With that he turned and stepped out of the lift, leaving Shepard with a knot in her stomach and a frog in her throat. She'd doubted what he'd said he wanted back there in the club, back when they were dancing. Of course she had. She found it hard to believe that the Zaeed she'd known before a week ago would ever mean those things, let alone be so romantic... The guy tried to gain access to security footage of Miranda in the shower not three weeks ago for crying out loud! Drunk or not, that's no gentleman! But maybe this wasn't all just to swoon her. _The guy has a point you know... Why __don't__ you start taking him seriously?_

"Zaeed." She commanded, not entirely meaning to use _that_ tone of voice as she stepped a satin-slippered foot half out of the lift, exposing her leg through the high-split dress. Realising this she quickly corrected he stance so that the dress fell neatly and she didn't look like she was _trying_ to get his attention seductively. She'd caught him halfway down the corridor when she yelled. He stopped, planted his cane on the deck but did not turn around, only half turning his head to his shoulder.

"I do." She managed, and slowly he turned around. He wore that beaten expression he had had the morning she found him on the floor with that bottle of whiskey – a mix of despair and direst hope. She felt all the more guilty then. Taking a deep breath she added: "I _do_ take you seriously." Slowly he walked back, with the clink of the cane at his side as it touched the deck plates. He stood facing her then, watching her, expressionless but for a weariness that told on its own of the many years he'd been let down in one way or another, by anyone he held out his hand to – in friendship or otherwise. Uncomfortable with the idea of a public spectacle – even with nobody around – she forcibly pulled him into the lift and banged the control for the doors to shut and the lift to head up to her quarters.

"Hey?" He said as the doors closed, slightly surprised – not used to experiencing her Cerberus-upgraded muscle-power first hand. She'd thrown him a punch on Zorya, but that was nigh-on half a year ago or more now.

"Look." Shepard rolled her eyes, sucked her cheeks and poked him squarely in the chest: "Everywhere I go people are trying to buy me. I wake up in a _Cerberus_ base: Cerberus being an organisation who – so experience has taught me – is _not _to be trusted when it comes to ethics. They tell me I've been dead for two years and that I've been 'rebuilt' - whatever the hell _that_ means. Not out of the goodness of the Illusive Man's black and twisted heart of course, it's to solve one of their problems – a problem they knew I'd care about and happily dive head first into." She leaned back against the lift wall and folded her arms. "My life came with a price-tag." She gestured with a sweep of her wrist, "This _ship_ came with a price-tag. Even Joker and the doctor. They wouldn't have been here if Cerberus hadn't manoeuvred them here, sowed the seeds for them to join knowing this was what they were building up to. Until Garrus showed up and threw a whammy in the Illusive Man's plans _everything_ I touched came with a condition, an un-written debt and a big "on loan" sign hanging above it – including, if you remember: you. With the exception of Garrus and Tali, I've been surgically removed from everyone I've _ever_ felt close to."

"I'm not trying to _buy_ you Shepard." Zaeed objected, shaking his head with insult painted across his face as he frowned, folding his arms as he leaned back against the lift wall.

"I know that – now." Shepard unfolded her arms and stood up straight. "Or at least I'm beginning to understand that." She shrugged and her arms fell to her sides.

"I just wanted to do something properly – for once." Zaeed clamped his jaw shut and the muscles flexed. Shepard could see there was something as yet still fragile hidden behind the bluster. Like those words said more about him than a thousand of his stories. She remembered then the notes she'd read about him after helping Liara: Zaeed's story was evidently a brave but sad one.

"I'm sorry." Shepard managed, although it wasn't easy.

He sighed, and unfolded his arms, "OK," then thudded his shoulder into the lift wall. "I guess I understand how it all might look, given what you've just told me." He shrugged, "I'm sorry too. I uh... guess I maybe shouldn't try so hard." He laughed, but she was pretty sure he probably meant that. She didn't want him to withdraw again. Truth be told although disconcerting at first, she kinda liked the pampering.

"I guess _I'll_ have to try harder to take things at face-value." Shepard half smiled, and leaned her back flat against the wall.

"Oh God I hope not!" Zaeed frowned and shook his head, pushing himself off from the wall, as he gestured: "Least not _my_ face-value..." with mock anger and a grin pulling at the edges. It didn't seem right to laugh at such a joke. His humour could be pretty dark sometimes. Shepard tried instead just to smile and roll her eyes. _Does his appearance bother him and that's why he jokes about it? _ She pondered,_ Is it his way of getting over it? Or is it his way of showing that it actually __doesn't__ bother him in the slightest and he's quite pleased with his scars? __Why__ is this guy so hard to figure out?_

"C'mon that's gotta be worth _half_ a laugh." He pressed, moving a little closer.

Shepard gave in and laughed, tongue in cheek before commenting through half-lidded eyes: "I thought you said I should always bet on the dumb-looking ugly dog anyway because they always fight harder?"

Zaeed winced and shook his head, "I said if you gotta choose, pick the dumb-_looking_ ugly one. If he looks dumb but isn't... He's a _much_ better bet." He shrugged as he leaned against the wall of the lift next to her.

The lift door opened and Shepard stepped out. When Zaeed hesitated she turned and asked: "Aren't you coming in?"

He paused, trying to judge the invitation, hesitating he held the lift door open with a clenched fist. He stabbed a guess at what he was being invited in _for._ "Only if that's what you want." Another shrug.

"A _smart_ dog would know that a _lady_ doesn't ask for things she doesn't want." Shepard smiled, and felt a flush of heat come over her.

"Fair point." He smirked and followed.

Shepard swaggered a little, watching him briefly over her shoulder as she passed through the door and rounded the corner. She was greeted by the sweet scent of the flowers as she turned. Carefully she took the slight step down towards the coffee table. Flirting with him just made it worse... She wanted him. Oh hell she wanted him. But she tried to still the passion burning inside her as she heard the door shut and leaned down to take a deep breath of the flowers' fragrance, letting it go with a relaxed sigh.

"You... really like 'em..?" Asked Zaeed's voice behind her.

"I admit I'm not fussed about flowers – usually." Shepard shrugged as she stroked her fingers over the petals of one of the red roses. "But these are a whole other deal to the kind I'm used to seeing for sale. They smell like heaven and they look absolutely stunning." _Zaeed_ on the other hand was sweeping his eyes up and down her as he approached, and he figured those words matched _her_ mroe than the flowers.

"I'm relieved." He moved closer. "Gifts are one of the things I'm not so good at." Shepard stood up straight, aware of him being closer still. She heard the thud of his jacket being tossed onto the sofa. Slowly she began to turn, but before she could his fingers were on her left shoulder. She flinched her head to that side. Zaeed's warm breath was just behind her ear. Her whole body froze with anticipation.

"I um... Haven't done anything like this a while." She confessed. Those fingers on her shoulder began to slide slowly down her arm. She felt more fingers gently stroke the cheek that turned towards him, from there under her ear, then brushing along her hairline and her nape.

"Me neither." The fingers stroking her nape swept across to her other shoulder, brushing her hair as he did so. Then, with both hands on her shoulders, he held her still with a squeeze as he stepped forward.

_Not even half as long as I haven't I'll bet..._ Thought Shepard. "I mean... I haven't done anything like this in a _really_ long time." _How long has it been..? Don't even think about answering that Shepard you'll turn into a bag of nerves. _She could feel the material of his wastecoat against her bare spine.

"Me neither." Zaeed insisted, "But I _think_ I remember where everything's supposed to go. I'm eager to test my memory." She didn't even have to look to know the Cheshire Cat grin he was wearing as he said that.

He Lightly teased her nape with his nose. "Do you wear perfume?" He asked quizzically, as if surprised.

"No... that a problem?" Shepard asked, wearily nervous of the answer.

Zaeed let out this long, downward-sliding groan, followed by an assertive: "_No_..." as he slid his fingers around to her neck to her chin, holding her still as he nuzzled into her nape, breathing her in. His other hand slowly rounded her waist. Shepard's breath hitched. The hand that was under her chin slowly caressed from there... down her neck... to her collarbone... then he pulled her into his chest. She shivered. The hand around her waist stroked over the satin and traced the edge of her hip bone down to the top of her thigh, and her breathing hitched again as he drew them closer to where her legs met her pelvis, but he stayed his hand to her thigh. Spreading his fingers he stroked his whole hand back up, taunting her with the closeness of his thumb to the inside of her leg as he did so. Shepard uttered a small sound that gave away that she noticed that.

She was quickly realising that Zaeed was a man who had likely had a _lot_ of practice, and that this was not any game of Skillian poker in which she could ever hope to hide her hand. _This is planned. He knows what he's doing. He __knows__ like he's studied it, for crying out loud! _His fingers slid under her breasts and up over her nipples, tracing the low neck of her dress with a single fingertip to tease the skin just under it. Shepard barely knew what to do with herself, except to hover her hands over his and stroke his wrists whenever they became exposed.

He stroked down her bare spine with the back of his other hand. _Oh god..._ She felt the snugness of material about her breast disappear as the first ribbon came undone. She wanted to beg him to go faster. She was determined not to. His other hand slid over the satin to between her thighs – only for a moment: just to get a reaction. Shepard gasped sharply and he groaned into her. "Uhnn... I _think_ maybe I'm starting to remember..." His breath disturbed the hair on her neck as he spoke, setting her to tremble with his words. He brought his hand back up to her stomach and hugged her close – her arms wrapping around his as he did so.

Next, his teeth were upon her neck, gently squeezing the muscles going down to her shoulder. She murmured as she shivered in his embrace. Throwing her head back she arched her back, pushing her ass against him - realising only afterward that she'd just done exactly what he wanted... as she felt the second ribbon that had held the dress snug to her waist come undone. Only the shoulder straps remained, but the dress would not drop to the floor – fitted to her hips as it was. Nevertheless she was _presently_ aware of the fact that she had nothing but this dress between his hands and her naked body. His fingers traced around her waist from her spine to where the edge of the dress was... and under... She sighed as he released her waist while the other slid over the naked skin to replace it. One hand caressed her skin-to-skin, the other slid _over_ the satin from her breast down to her thighs. Again his fingers touch just the other side of where her pelvis pushes through the muscle of her abdomen, but this time he applies pressure. _Oh dear god! _

Letting out a small whimper she feels heat rushing to the area as the tingling sets in. Her legs go weak but as swiftly as he had touched her his fingers are elsewhere. "Ahah..." Zaeed groaned, "So you _like_ that_..._ do you?" He beckoned her to answer, knowing full well she could barely speak as he repeated this assault on her composure. Several times over he would flirt with her want for it, sometimes teasing then yielding to her. Always through the satin his fingers found just the right place. She felt like her legs were going to fail. His other hand groped at her breast, his whole hand then sliding up over her shoulder to remove one strap so that he could better tease her with his teeth.

"Wha... Ohnn..." Shepard couldn't even try to think coherently enough to speak. "Ummnn you're... _good_..." She struggled to compliment him.

Zaeed murmured seductively in her ear: "This is just one of the things I'm _better_ at." She was totally under the spell weaved by his hands. As it was she was simply doing her best to stay standing. It didn't take long for her legs to give way, especially when during his careful application of pressure from the front with one hand, his _other_ rounded her ass and through the material gently stroked her opening. Shepard yelped, breathed in sharp and pleaded:

"Don't! I'm going to..!" ...and lost her balance.

"I've got you." Strong arms and fast reactions pulled her back as her legs gave way, swinging her weakly-working body towards the bed. She stumbled forwards, barely making it onto the bed on her hands and knees. She'd barely acknowledged the fact that she was _on_ the bed when he resumed his tortuous activity. One knee on the bed Zaeed slid his hands around her body. The silver satin dress had slid from her shoulders away from her front. With one had stroking from her belly up to her breast he slid the satin dress back into place, so far as his hand could hold it there. The other rounded her ass and again stroked her opening, as he returned to assault the top of her pelvis from the other side. Shepard gasped, eyes wide with shock at just how _good_ at this he was. Hell she never even imagined a man would know to _do_ this to a woman. None had that she'd ever met, anyhow. _Premature orgasm's a male problem, right? He can't __make__ me if I don't want -_

"Uhnnn..." He groaned wantonly, feeling her wetness through the material, "If I'd have _known_ you weren't wearing any underwear under this Shepard you'd have never made it out the door."

"I... I'm going to _ruin_ this dress Zaeed if you keep this up..." She pleaded, trying desperately hard not to sound like she was pleading.

"I'll buy you as many as you can ruin." He mocked, his hands never staying anywhere too long. He taunted her with the hand that slid down the back of her thigh, down and around to the inside of her thigh and back up... Shepard's arms and thighs were shaking... Yet always through the silky satin of her dress did he touch her. Her fingers clawed at the bed clothes as she arched her back.

"Close your eyes." He told her, and she obliged unquestioning. "Here's how this things going to work:" He instructed the helpless Shepard as he spoke, delighting in her desperation as he brought her down onto her side, "I'm going to stop doing this, and you're going to take over."

"What?" Shepard begged as her eyes sprung open – totally at his mercy, "Why..?"

"Because you're going to finish and I'm going to watch you. Now close your goddamn eyes." He rolled her onto her back and pressed from the front as he leaned over her. Whispering into her ear as she writhed he explained, ignoring how she was almost trying to claw his clothes off of his body: "I need to know how you like to be handled." He took her hand and placed it where his had been. He stroked his fingers over her eyes to emphasise he wanted them shut as he added: "Just do as I ask." He spoke quietly, "I _promise_ you I'll make it worth your while. Just... _trust_ me." And with that he pulled away from her with a sly smile and she was left pressing her fingers in the memory of his as she played with the temptation.

He casually began undoing his cuffs, never breaking his wolf-like stare as he observed her ministrations. He paced slowly around the bed as he undid his waistcoat, enjoying the show, then back again tossing it where his jacket lay. Shepard's other hand slid over her torso as he watched – these were the places and the timings she imagined how she wanted him to touch her... He liked the power of being the only person to see this amazing woman doing what she was doing right now. Shepard was going to remember this, was going to remember _him_. He was damned sure about that. He was pretty sure by her reaction that he was the first to do this with her. _Not like that kinky Asari bitch who sold me out to the Blood Pack_._ She probably did shows like this for money 50 yrs before I was born..._ No... That was a different kind of fun. On the contrary there was a purity about Shepard. Like he was trespassing on hallowed ground. There was something in her eyes he'd not seen in a long, long time, not since the woman that could actually have been someone special to him was stripped from his life. That was one of the things that he found magnetising about Shepard since this began, only her purity was _also _coupled with a fire in Shepard's case. What would happen when that fire got unleashed? _Oh ho ho... now __that__ could be fun_.

He watched her from beneath a raised brow and devilish smirk as undid his tie and tossed that aside, and removed his shoes and socks. Undoing his collar and then his shirt he spotted her open her eyes just slightly. "No peeking." He reprimanded her, pulled the shirt from his shoulders and tossed that aside. Zaeed noted with curiosity how she had not even once yet sought penetration. That was a bit unusual in his experience. Possible she was nervous? There could be a more depressing reason... Like some twat took her virginity but wasn't gentle so she barely feels anything inside now. Or could be she might not have the internal anatomy for enjoying it. He sure as hell hoped the latter two were _not_ the cause. Although at least the second one meant he could still have both of them enjoy his being inside her, _if_ he observed her carefully now. He did like the idea that she might be shy, but he _needed_ to know what she _wanted_ and there was only one way to find out. Carefully he climbed onto the bed, sliding his hand from her ankle up the inside of her leg.

"_Do_ it." He urged her, hovering over, shifting out of her reach so that she could only find herself to touch. "I want you to show me..." He spoke softly at a distance, reaching just close enough to slide the dress from her shoulders. He pushed her to the brink. "I need to _know_ if you want me to be rough," – no reaction – "...or gentle." He stroked a finger down her cheek and she moaned. He slid the dress down further still, noting how she worked herself harder... _You __like__ being undressed by someone else's hand, do you..? _ He surmised with a grin as she lifted her knees. "I want to know... if you want me to go down on you..." He gently stroked two fingers down from the back of her raised knee down the back of her thigh, "When to go fast... and when to go slow..." Shepard cried out, her fingers pressed with fevered pace and she squeezed her thighs together.

_Still__ no penetration..._ but he was _sure_ she must be close by now. "Do it." He urged her. She cried out again, and then only held her fingers hard against herself as she pulled her legs together vice-like, and flexed the insides of her thighs in sharp and fast pulses – _Hah. Expect to be squeezed by those thighs..._ _Hell yeah..._ _At least that's __one__ of the ways she enjoys the ending... _Zaeed considered what he knew of experience, and delighted at the opportunity he was going to get to study this legendary woman and work out how to drive her completely out of control. So then: no penetration required?_ Oh this could be the beginning of something very, very __interesting__,_ he mused, considering the opportunities this laid open for all _sorts_ of mischief..._ Oh I could have a __lot__ of fun with __you__... when you least expect it... Hah!_ His mind tried to run wild with thoughts of ambush – catching her in the lift on her way to see the Illusive Man or Miranda... _Stop. Get a grip. Enjoy her here and now. I can play "future fun" later when I don't have the real thing to play with._

Shepard relaxed and opened her eyes, alert and quick to focus on him. She bit her lip in a way that told of slight embarrassment, and Zaeed was quick to soothe her, albeit by making her turn a newer shade of red: "That was _quite_ a show." He said stroking from her neck down over her breasts, she couldn't help but moan just a little at the touch as she reached for his hand, needing to return the contact. He caught her hand and pressed it to his trousers just to prove the point. "Guess it's time to see if I've learned anything from it."

"What... you want to... I mean... now? But I umn... I just..." He knelt on the bed undoing his belt as she watched.

He shrugged as the trousers... and anything else that was there... came off. "Now. An hour from now. Maybe again after that."

Shepard was speechless. She watched and wondered – with a healthy amount of worry – about what _else_ he had in store for her...

* * *

Hopefully that will keep anybody reading this story happy for a while. I have another installment partially drafted. Unfortunately I have to write two papers about my research into plug-in vehicles by the end of this month so it might be a while before I get to final draft, edit, and publish the next chapter! But I'll get there! Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!


	11. Chapter 11  Wish I Had That On Video

24 August 2011

~ Finding The Heart ~

Wish I Had That On Video

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the intellectual property of Bioware, not mine.

WARNING: Rated MA - DEFINITELY FOR THIS CHAPTER! 16yrs+ readers only please! Foul language, adult concepts.

Author note: I've purposefully tried not to describe Shepard too much, after all, fans of Mass Effect will each have their own versions of Shepard, so I leave those parts up to your imagination.

Zaeed's eye's flickered open: _Weapon. Exit._ His eyes darted, trying to focus in the dull, eerie blue light coming from somewhere out of sight_. _Unfamiliar surroundings, unfamiliar sounds._ Why can't I feel my arm?_ He tried to focus on something right in front of him. The panic subsided: a naked female body lay in front of him, sheets tucked around her waist, her back turned towards him. His arm was under the pillow where her head lay. _Well... That explains the dead arm... _Carefully he extracted his arm, trying not to wake her – _At least not 'til I can remember her name..._ Slowly he rolled onto his back, able to sit up just a little. It was a proper human bed too, not one of those stupid goldfish bowls the Asari sometimes preferred._ Where am I? Damned blue light..._ He squinted and tried to block it with a hand.

A small bubbling sound caught his attention, and a constant trickling noise was coming from somewhere towards his feet. _The light..? _Blinding himself for a moment he looked straight at it, briefly catching a glimpse of some familiar shapes. _A fish tank... _Suddenly it dawned on him where the hell he was: _The fuck am I doing here? __Am I dreaming..?_ He concluded it was definitely Shepard's cabin as he stared ahead and movement caught his eye - that freaky little liquid metal sphere she'd picked up from some Prothean ruin was floating above the coffee table. Next he noticed a vas of flowers. and shockingly recalled the fact that _he_ had bought them. For a moment his gut tied itself in a knot as the whole picture dawned on him: _So this bird I'm lying next to - _he looked at her shape with no small sense of conquest - _is Shepard_. He couldn't help but smirk with self-satisfaction.

Zaeed propped his arms behind his head and relaxed. Relaxed simply being not using any muscles, not 'relaxed' per se... Oh how he ached! Ached like when Urz – Shepard's Tuchankan pet varren, (_bloody dumb animal_) – saw fit to bowl him over off the bloody landing platform at Urdnot camp. Ten feet down he'd landed on top of a pile of duff ship parts with that stupid creature breathing its varren death-breath in his face while pinning him down and trying to lick him into another dimension... _Very nearly broke its neck for that, dumb mutt... _Zaeed smiled - well at least one creature in the galaxy greeted him with enthusiasm. Of course it _had_ also been quite a bit of fun to see how much it baffled the hell out of the other crew that it liked Shepard and him but nobody else. Maybe that rabid mongrel knew he and Shepard were going to be fucking each other even before they did? Who knows... Anyway, fucked they had. Zaeed remembered it all with a grin as his eyes lazily scanned the room.

_There. Up against the fish tank. _He'd shoved her up against the glass with her hands raised and pretended to body search her. She laughed a wicked laugh he'd never have expected which just spurred him on all the more so. "Usual proceedure is to spread the suspect's legs apart and slide your hand up and down their thighs, checking for weapons" he'd said deadpan as he did just that. "What happens when you can't find any?" she'd asked, coyly. He pinned her up against the glass again, sliding his erection against her, groaning to feel she was already juicy as the wetness spread through the material of her dress. "Well If you're _really_ sure they're hiding something you order an internal search..." and with that he slipped on (another) condom, shoved her dress out of the way and found his way inside her. He groped her arse... It was a very _nice _arse. He liked so much he decided he wanted to be able to see more of it, so they migrated..._ Down there on the floor, next to the coffee table... That'd be why my knees hurt so much, then..._ He grinned at the thought, and inwardly moaned at the memory. Shepard was _hot_. Hotter than any damn prostitute asari or human he'd ever paid to fuck. Just the sight of his cock slipping in and out of her was more than enough to get him off, but to be able to slide the whole of himself deep inside her... He shuddered at the thought with excitement... _Well that's a whole other level of sexual interest._ He'd reach down around her hips to pleasure her... She only just beat him to it what with all the noises she was making - wound him up hard as he could get. _And a juicy, perfect, fit she was to top it all off._

His eyes glanced towards the bathroom. He recalled how she'd sauntered off to the bathroom after that - just _slightly_ unsteady on her legs. It had been pretty late - not that you could tell by looking out the cabin window (it was always full of stars - day or night). He'd gone to the bathroom himself straight after. Washed himself off, figuring that'd do for the night. But when he'd come out of the bathroom to find her leaning over the desk staring at her models... Well. _That dress. That arse. Those legs... What's a man to do?_ He'd slid his hands over her, she'd murmurred his name slightly dissapprovingly, but that just spurred him on. He was hard again. _Yes - that fast. When you've not had sex with a real woman for as long as I'd gone without, well even seeing a batarian woman bend over might make you a little hot under the collar. Sexy minx like Shepard is in that dress and you've got no bloody choice in the matter._ He'd _had_ to have her.

He shoved the dress out of the way and pushed inside her no problem - she was already plenty wet from earlier. "Hey!" She'd yelled, "Protection!" _So she noticed? _He'd grinned an evil grin: "If you're worried what I'm carrying you should know better - that Dr Chakwas of yours is too much of a sadistic bitch to let me onboard with anything that could get passed around." Deeper... "As for pregnancy I know what they make Alliance girls do, so I know you're not worried about that." _Sliding out..._ Shepard growls his name and scowls over her shoulder... but she's not stopping him. He knew very well what she could do to him if she really wanted him to stop. She didn't, he was winning and he could feel it. Her nipples spiked through the dress. Slowly he pulled out, delighted when she mounthed to gasp and tried to stop herself, her head snaking to one side. Gently he pushed again, groaning himself with the sensation of being able to feel her - all of her wetness and her warmth. She murmurs his name, a pour attempt at pleading for him to stop. "And besides..." He adds, barely managing it through his own peaking arousal, "I'm an old man. Plus I had a small _accident_ with some Polonium rounds few years back. Near miss. Practically made me sterile. Check my records if you want." Out again, she can't contain the gasp this time as he reaches around to pleasure her. "So why don't you just let yourself enjoy it. I know you don't really want me to stop..." In again... deeper... She'd groaned then, giving in to the pleasure of him moving inside her with nothing between them. Sweet ecstacy with every stroke as the foreskin pulled backwards as he thrust deeper inside her.

It'd been a matter of minutes before he felt her pulsing. She was still begging his name, though he wasn't sure for what. "Say my name Shepard." He commanded her as he began to up the pace. "Say it _louder._ I want the whole goddamn _ship _to know who's fucking you!" She obliged as he felt the pulsing quicken and the grip around him tighten. He couldn't hold it as he emptied himself into her. Her legs weakened, she swooned sideways, taking him with her as she had to put one knee on her chair to catch herself. He could see the reflection of her breasts in the darkened console screen, and persisted for just a few more long, deep, slow thrusts... to get every last drop. Finally they'd managed to stumble their way back to the bed, both exhausted. He'd lain next to her, still hard so he'd pushed back inside her. He knew there'd be no _way_ he could finish again, but she moaned and groaned with satisfaction so he just kept the motion going until he began to feel his erection diminishing. _Just as well though,_ he remembered, because it was moments later a very sleepy Shepard murmurred "I can't... I can't... stay awake... I don't want you to stop but I..." and that was it. He'd no sooner pulled out and wiped himself off than his head hit the pillow and they'd both fallen fast asleep.

_Wow. Wish I'd had me a video of all of that..._

* * *

To my fans, very, _very_ sorry this took so long!

Major, major family illness and extremely upsetting decisions to make on both my and my fiance's side. Lots of stress from my PhD. All stress added together made a ballsup of backing up my PhD work, so deleted 6 months worth of work (distributed between 10 files, but they were very large files and heavily edited so looks like they corrupted. Meanwhile presenting papers in Germany a week Sunday, then off to present my work to funders for a few days in London... Not sure after that. Maybe Brazil? At some point I need to redo all my work and write my thesis?

Meanwhile the computers involved in the accidental deletion of my work are the two I would have used at home... So I can't access any of my fanfic stories let alone look at them when I'm not in the office. I hope you appreciate that I had to borrow a laptop to go home with just so I could edit this one chapter I happen to have added. I've almost rewritten this, but as I've had to do it through it may be riddled with errors. Bare with me, when I get my home computer **back** then I will copy it into work, edit, and repost it properly. I just wanted to give you something so that you know I've still got intention to write much more.

For those of you who are also fans of my Garrus fic, I will also be doing more of that although I have less of that story in my head ready to write than I have of this one. Plus it will be going dark places, and at the moment I've had enough of 'dark places' recently! For this one, I've already mapped out getting from the dark places to the happy places in my head. This chapter is particularly "hot", but rest assured for those of you who can't stomach it, there will be less for a while, and there's going to be other things to focus on.


	12. Chapter 12  Conscience of Command

12 October 2011

~ Finding The Heart ~

Conscience of Command

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the intellectual property of Bioware, not mine.

WARNING: Rated MA. 16yrs+ readers only please. Foul language, adult concepts.

Author note: I've purposefully tried not to describe Shepard too much, after all, fans of Mass Effect will each have their own versions of Shepard, so I leave those parts up to your imagination.

The past few months had been one hell of a roller coaster. Never in a million years would Zaeed have bet he'd find himself in Shepard's bed. He turned to lean over this sleeping woman, propping up his head with his elbow. There was something different about her sleeping face which set her apart from every other woman Zaeed had ever known. There was a purity about her that reminded him very much of Alice but, there was also something else – something he'd never seen in _any_ woman before her. He wasn't quite sure what it was but studying her didn't seem to make it any clearer so he let it go, and just admired her beauty instead. Even with the scars, Shepard was definitely that: a beauty.

_Uhnn... _He found himself recalling last night's activities again. _There's something the matter with me - I want to fuck her while she's sleeping._ _I might be a dirty old man but that's a new thing. _He huffed and tried to set those thoughts aside. _Damn this woman could really get under my skin and drive me crazy if I'm not careful..._ Endurance, stamina, tolerance to pain... These were things he openly boasted, but if he wasn't careful he'd happily shag her 'til his nob dropped off. _At ease, soldier..._ he commanded himself. There _was_ such a thing as 'too much sex' – it was liable to leave a man with dick-ache, or at very least severe difficulties concerning directional peeing. He rolled back again to lie with his arms behind his head and tried to concentrate on the peaceful sound of her bubbling fishtank, and _not_ about waking her up for another session.

His moving must have stirred her. First she made this cute little noise that made him smile like an idiot as he tried not to laugh. _Best to let sleeping Shepards lie _– he told himself as he observed her quietly through the corner of his eye. After a time he heard a faint sniffle. It caught him a little by surprise and his breath hitched as she suddenly rolled over and slid her fingers from his belly to his chest. She settled, and he couldn't help thinking it was kind of sweet the way she snuggled up to him. She paddy-pawed his chest hair like she were some kind of big cat, snoring quietly in a way that could almost have been mistaken for a purr. _Tally one to wind her up about later – _he sniggered to himself -_ she snores. _ But it wasn't long before he got distracted by the view – quite a _nice_ view at that – of her breasts pressed up against his side. _So much for __not__ thinking about sex, then_. He rolled his eyes, mentally subduing his erection once more as she nuzzled up against him and sighed. Suddenly, her eyes sparked open and she jolted.

"Heeeey..." He stroked her hair back from her eyes and hushed her as she looked up at him – evidently shocked. Blinking a couple of times she eventually came down from high alert. He embraced her and gently pulled her towards him until she hesitantly lay her head back down this time on his chest. Judging from the wrinkles on her forehead he could just about see from here, she was thoroughly confused and momentarily worried. She was quiet for a while although he could spot her expression changing whilst she was thinking. He had to try not to laugh as he swore he saw her raise her eyebrows at one point – he was pretty sure what that meant she was remembering. After that her shoulders stopped tensing and she relaxed. It seemed both of them needed to work through the explanation for this situation upon finding themselves in the waking world. After all, this was pretty far off the chart of their expected 'joint territory'.

"Sorry..." She eventually mumbled, "Not used to waking up with someone here."

"S'alright." Zaeed let go a deep breath, "I'm not used to waking up anywhere else other than a battlefield or a merc's bunk, but I was pleasantly surprised." He kissed her crown as he lay his arm around her and squeezed a little. It was easy to let his mind take off with this feeling, exploding with hope of better days and renewed opportunities – the usual sort of stuff that gets you killed – so he tried to take a step back. You know, _try_ to take it slow, because as sure as his gut was telling him she was perfect and this was right he was still sure it could all blow up in his face. Things had a habit of doing that to Zaeed. _Still time for this to all go pear-shaped, _he reminded himself, _but for now this is nice..._ He lay there grateful for this small mercy the universe had granted him as Shepard lay idly fingering his chest hair into ringlets. _Ringlets!_ Good job he didn't care – _I __must__ be getting soft in my old age_...

Shepard, meanwhile, lay thinking.

_What the hell just happened? Is everything I think I remember happening actually true? _She was stunned. She had to rewind time to explain how Zaeed had wound up in her cabin. He'd been causing havoc, she recalled, then she'd confronted him, found out what was wrong, and he'd surprised her. That was it. He'd surprised her. He'd caught her off-guard, and showed her a side of himself she'd never have expected to see. How quickly things had moved from there in a matter of days. What shocked her now was just how much he had _wanted_ her. Or seemed to. No he couldn't have been faking that. She'd thought it more lust on her part for why this had all started, she was evidently wrong. Given the chance to jump her bones he'd leapt into the opportunity feet first. _Maybe this is just the way he is? All or nothing? _

She remembered _everything_ he did. It had been good to be _wanted_ like that, to be hungered for. He made her want it. He made her _need_ it. It was intoxicating: that feeling of _being_ the drug that someone else was addicted to. She wasn't entirely certain she'd ever felt like it before. Not like this, at least. It consumed her thoughts. She completely forgot for a moment who she was, that she was supposed to be fighting something for something, that there were things she should be worrying about, nightmares that would normally be haunting her, responsibilities that should have been weighing on her conscience from the moment she opened her eyes. All she could think about was how it _felt_, the sounds he made, how much effort he put into pleasing her and how quickly he'd figured out how to do it, the sound of her own voice begging him not to stop, how he'd been in control of it all and she'd been helplessly swept away by his demand for her.

Slowly coming back into focus her eyes began to take him in... The muscles, the geometric patterns of the tattoos, the slight telltales of age like the multitude of scars he wore from battles long ago. It took all her willpower not to slide her leg over him - she was _certain_ if she did that she'd get a reaction. She _wanted_ him inside her again, _needed_ him to want her like that again. To hell with playing it safe, taking it slow, to hell with-

**Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Be-**

"Urrrrghh..." She groaned, annoyed, rolled over and hit the snooze button on the blasted alarm clock. The galaxy could wait ten more minutes... Except of course it couldn't. _Reality_ had 'beeped' itself straight into her brain through that horrid noise and it wasn't welcome. Suddenly her mind was panicking, remembering all the things she needed to do – so many things to do. Lives at stake, immanent invasion, extinction. _Get a grip. Time to get up and go._ But for the first time since before Eden Prime something stopped her with the words whispering in her mind: _Can't I just shut it all out, put it aside, just for a little longer? _The alarm was on snooze. _Ten more minutes wouldn't hurt would it..?_ Well it was better than nothing, and although she was slightly frustrated it was probably a good thing not to have time to act upon it – moving had told her she might just be a little too sore to do anything and really enjoy it anyway.

She huffed, and rolled back into his arms, feeling strangely settled once there. It was only then that her waking mind remembered she'd actually half expected him not to be here when she woke up. The fact that he was still here, the tender kiss to her crown he'd given and the small hug all pointed to this quite different, and still quite novel side of the man she'd previously thought she knew.

"I'm glad you didn't leave." She found herself saying aloud.

"Leave? Why would I have left?" Zaeed pulled his head back, frowned and stared down at her like she was a fool.

"Well you know, I'd have thought normally..." She paused, and decided there were too many bad impressions to make by ending that sentence, "Forget I said anything." Zaeed began to stare down at her and she realised she may well have just insulted him, especially recalling how he had demanded to be 'taken seriously'. _Thank you memory, for presenting yourself after the point it would have been useful to remember that. _So she quickly added: "Old habits die hard. Alliance regs."

"Regs huh?" He let out a long gusted sigh and rested his head back against the headboard. "I never joined the military. Was I supposed to leave then?" He had this sly look on his face. He was mocking her, certainly, especially when his eyes slid down from the ceiling to meet hers. When she didn't rise to the bait he added: "So what kind of regs are we talking about..?" The tone of voice meant she knew _exactly _where this conversation was headed. "Regs like... 'It's against regulations to fuck your commander up against her fish tank' or regs like 'If you do fuck your commanding officer you should leave before she wakes up and decides to eat you praying mantis style'?"

Shepard snorted air through her nose and stifled a laugh. "Mmm. That sort of thing, yes."

He tutted, "Ohhhh... right. Glad I got that cleared up."

Before he had a chance to carry on this mischief she seized an opportunity to change the subject and learn something new: "You know your _record_ says you served in the Alliance. Can't say I wasn't a little suspicious of that myself but why does it say that when you didn't?"

"Oh... Well I might've paid a few credits to get my name added to Alliance files. Made a few situations easier to get around back when I was freelancing." There was a pause. It was like she could hear the cogs of mischief turning in his brain. "So anyway these regs." _Yup. Change of conversation subject:- FAIL_, she concluded. "Are there any exceptions? You know in some _Batarian_ cultures it's not considered 'sex' unless you do it face to face, hanging upside down from the ceiling."

Shepard shook her head and rolled her eyes determined not to laugh at such a clearly racist joke. "You're pulling my leg now. I've never heard of _that_ one before and I don't appreciate racist jokes." She scowled, disapprovingly.

"It's not racist. It was a Batarian that told me that! They don't just _look_ like spiders you know..."

"Uhuh." Shepard glared, then thumped him.

"I'm telling the goddamn truth!" He scowled down at her.

"Anyway," She began, and thumped him again, "It's all 'fraternisation' in the Alliance." She sighed... That was one of the main reasons she'd not even got past first base with Kaidan – at that point in their careers both of them had had too much to lose.

Zaeed winced from the blow to his kidney but it didn't seem to deter him for long – glutton for punishment that he was: "Oh dear..." He said patronisingly, "Then I guess 'fraternising' with an officer over said officer's console would have been a biiiiiig no-no if you were still with the Alliance then..?" He had a way of putting things sometimes which she couldn't help but laugh at. She got revenge by clenching her fist, pulling his chest hairs with it. "Argh!" He exclaimed grumpily – "Hey those are attached and I'd like 'em to stay that way!"

"Then quit playing me up." She scowled up at him.

"I can't help it. I'm curious." He laughed and shrugged. Then the innocence melted away as he nuzzled the top of her ear and spoke softly, "You didn't complain about me being curious last night..."

Shepard rolled her eyes and raised an eyebrow: "Oh, I see. So _that's_ your explanation for last night then." She laughed although hadn't really meant to come out with that. Somehow he'd managed to drop her guard enough that she'd just connected brain to mouth with no filter in between.

"Explanation for what?" He asked, straight-faced. She was going to regret answering that, and she knew it, but hey it was good to be having fun, and part of her did genuinely want to find out if last night was 'normal' behaviour for him.

"Don't play innocent with me: '_The tour'_." Shepard swept a hand, gesturing to the rest of the room.

"What makes you think I wasn't just doing what any normal man would do if they had half a chance when faced with you in _that_ dress?"

He just flattered her – that was more than she'd have expected. Shepard was quiet for a moment, biting her tongue. But the truth had a habit of escaping her lips even when she didn't really want it to: "Because that was unlike any other night with anybody I've ever had." She cringed to think just how much that may have inflated his ego. His head may not fit through her cabin door now.

He smirked for a while as if trying to think of an answer – perhaps her honesty and the compliment that implied had surprised him. Apparently having given up he shrugged and rolled a little towards her as he remarked, low and quiet in her ear, in a very dirty tone: "I like to _travel_." Shepard pulled away, stared up at him with an eyebrow raised and half scowled, but at this angle she couldn't pull off 'menacing' – to Zaeed she just looked cute.

She sighed and looked around the room. "So it would seem." There were several items that were no longer in their designated places, and instead were strewn around the room.

"Are there regs against tickling?"

Shepard barely got off a "Wha-?" at the change of subject before he lunged for her tummy. But amid all the delightful yelps and thumps he was getting out of her he just couldn't help thinking just how she made him feel so damn young again. This crazy, pain-in-the-arse woman had got him thinking that starting over could be something within his grasp, and that maybe just _maybe_ he had just a smidgen of a bloody chance of getting it right this time. _Retirement at Berkenstein when all this is over would be a hell of a lot more fun with __her__... That's for sure!_

He pinned her down – arms above head – one-handed, rolling over her to reach down and around the tangled sheet to tickle behind her knees as she pulled an arm free and one-handedly tried to bat off his attempts. He was still winning when EDI butted in: "Shepard do you require assistance?"

"Umn..." Shepard replied and Zaeed rolled his eyes and dropped his head into her shoulder, grumbling quietly into her ear:

"You should really get EDI and Legion together I think they'd make a _grand_ couple..."

"I think she's already taken." Shepard whispered back with a wink, and to EDI: "Umn no, I'm _fine_ EDI. Thank you for checking on me. That'll be _all_."

"Logging you out, Shepard."

Shepard sighed and muttered under her breath in anger at the reminder that her room was probably bugged all over: "The Illusive man's probably got tapes of everything that goes on in here."

"You think so?" Old man hearing was evidently _not_ something Zaeed had developed. He began biting her softly around her shoulders and neck, but EDI had reminded her of something she was thoroughly unhappy about. She wasn't about to thaw.

"Probably." She sighed with cold, angry eyes.

"Everything?" _He_ wasn't deterred by the notion or her change of mood, it seemed.

"Mm-mm." She nodded, suddenly depressed.

He stopped, pulled his head up and looked around the room, scowling. "Huh." He frowned, "Guess I'll have to ask him if I can get a copy then." Then looked back to her with total sobriety as if he were handing her a report on his latest activities.

Shepards face contorted somewhere between shock, outrage and horror for a moment as she processed that, then she thumped him again – in the chest this time, harder – and the "_Argh!"_ she got for it did at least make her smile and feel a little better. He laughed and went back after her knees again, Shepard yelping and giggling like a schoolgirl despite herself... Until the rude interruption of her bedside alarm brought her crashing back to reality again.

"God damn stupid alarm clock - I'm already _awake_!" She growled at it, feeling suddenly frustrated and hounded as she pounced to cut off the piercing sound. Maybe it was just the weight of duty settling back down upon her – she suddenly felt very tired. She was well on the way to going back into her usual 'command mode' but as she turned back to face Zaeed clutching the sheet to her breasts, her eyes locked with his and she froze somewhere in between. Zaeed propped himself up on one elbow with an unreadable expression, and neither said anything for what seemed like eternity. She could not deny the spark between them now.

She eyed the muscles around his ribs which he boasted quite well, sat like that. Tattooed shoulders and strong arms... It was a physique he had been blessed with predominantly through survival against the odds, _not_ exercise routines, making him doubly interesting. The scars certainly added credence. She found herself wanting to trace her fingers over them and ask: _"What's this one's story?"_ for each one. And so the cogs of anxiety and command ground to a halt.

This hardened, well-seasoned mercenary who she'd once punched for having lied about and compromised a mission and came within inches of killing for his insubordination before now was, quite happily, lazily lying in _her_ bed, covers tucked around his waist. She knew in that moment that nothing between them would ever, _could_ ever, be the same again. Looking around the room she knew there was going to be the trace memory of him on practically everything in here, not forgetting her own body. At this particular moment she liked that _a lot_, although there was a small muffled voice somewhere telling her that she'd got more than she could handle.

A smugness crept across his face as he noticed her eyes wandering over him. She quickly put her eyes somewhere else. _Mind on business._ Her responsibilities clawed their way back into her thoughts in remembrance that the alarm had already been put on snooze ten minutes earlier. Shepard sighed and shook her head, gathering from the clock that she might already be running a few minutes late. But she made an effort to be polite as she drifted back into 'commander mode'.

"You... don't have to go when I do. You can stay and have a shower if you like." She thumbed towards the bathroom door behind her.

"Now see if you'd 've said I could shower _with _you..." He grinned, folded his arms behind his head and leaned back with a lustful sigh. Shepard's eyes drifted to the clock and she pulled an apologetic smile as she shook her head and shrugged.

"Hmph." He looked quite disappointed. Shepard _did_ wonder if Zaeed's idea of a 'relationship' involved mostly sex and not much else. He shrugged as he cocked his head on one side, staring over her shoulder as if focused on some other thought. "I guess I _might _stay." Still staring off into the distance with a carefully timed pause he then added: "Maybe try on some of your underwear while you're gone..." Oh he was _so_ good at pulling her leg. She thumped him one for that in the belly. His muscles tensed as he let her strike. Chuckling at the pain with a sly look on his face he grinned and grabbed her retreating arm, pulling her off balance. As he sat upright he pulled her across his lap and spoke through gritted teeth: "Nobody hits me and gets away with it – especially not as many times as _you've _ hit me today – you owe me a kiss, _missy_." He had this mischievous lust in his eyes as his jaw set.

Shepard tried to restrain the smile that was creeping onto her face, tried remember she really needed to get a move on. She snaked her hands around his neck and kissed him lightly on the lips as the sheet fell away to her middle. He definitely had a rugged charm, she tried to resist it. As she pulled away he restrained her and added patronisingly: "Oh I think you can do better than _that_..." So she kissed him again, only this time gently pulling at his lip with her teeth. The heat between them was once again intense. His lips melded to hers and his tongue to hers. He pulled her hard against him. She felt him rise to her through the sheet as she wriggled in his lap and she just wanted to forget... _everything else_. She could have given it all up right there and then –

_Screw the galaxy..._

_I want __this__..._

But as those words slipped into her thoughts she caught them, and panicked. **_No!_** Her heart was no longer pounding with excitement, but with fright. "Mnn!" She pulled away, "I uhh... I have to go." She frowned, although she couldn't make herself escape his arms.

"What if I don't want you to..." He asked gruffly, dropping his head to gently bite her breast as he slid a hand under the tangled sheet from her knee to her...

"No!" She said and practically jumped up out of his arms to kneel on the bed, backing away to the edge whilst slowly trying to smile albeit unable to meet his eyes. She breathed for a moment, with Zaeed chuckling evilly to himself. Her eyes flickered in his direction and for a split second he began to look concerned, reading her expression as if he could tell that it had been more than just her determination to do her shift that had made her want to get away. Quickly she hid her fear and soothed his worry. "You..." She turned a stern face to him and began to shake her finger at him with a hand on one hip: "_You_ are very good at distraction tactics."

"Just figured that out for yourself have you?" He grinned. Relaxing again he leaned back on the pillows with his hands behind his head. There was a sizeable bump in the white sheet that covered him from the waist down – a bump he evidently wanted her to see.

"You're _also_ a nymphomaniac." Shepard stared at him deadpan. He grinned, eyeing her up and down like a hungry varren. She blushed. He sighed a groan. "No." She said sternly with raised eyebrow and a smile, and marched off into the bathroom (locking the door behind her).

"Damn you Massani. I don't even know what to do with myself..." She muttered to herself as she caught her breath and her own reflection reaching for the bacteriophage toothpaste. She was shaking, but whether it was from excitement or terror she couldn't be sure. She felt... different somehow, and that frightened her. Shirking duties was not in Shepard's character. The fact that she had even thought about doing so had left her a little shaken. Oh she had _zero_ questions about their physical compatibility after last night. He'd been good - _too_ good in fact. _Good enough to get under your skin, and to get in the way of your better judgement..._ She stared at herself soberly: _Better watch your step._


	13. Chapter 13  Memento

24 December 2011

~ Finding The Heart ~

Memento

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the intellectual property of Bioware, not mine.

WARNING: Rated MA. 16yrs+ readers only please. Foul language, adult concepts.

Author note: I've purposefully tried not to describe Shepard too much, after all, fans of Mass Effect will each have their own versions of Shepard, so I leave those parts up to your imagination.

* * *

It had been a remarkably slow day. Several of the crew were late returning to the Normandy, having had rather too good a time planetside. Shepard couldn't begrudge them for it - one day was all she'd had managed to get from the Illusive Man in the end, and having a little freedom was good for morale. It's not like she or Miranda were going to report them for it anyway – not anymore. They (Shepard, Miranda, and Jacob) had agreed to keep it quiet that Miranda _had_ actually handed the Illusive Man her resignation when he had wanted her to stop Shepard from destroying the Collector's base. They'd had to go crawling back, sooner or later. Well. Not crawling. Shepard had _refused_ to crawl.

After exploring all options of Alliance funding and private funding (money was there, but not enough) Shepard had eventually "offered" the Illusive Man the opportunity of ongoing ties. That was of course _after_ allowing him time to cool down from the loss of his precious reaper-making tech. She needed the resources, and he needed to not look like he'd completely bungled one of the most expensive investments he'd ever made for a Cerberus project. It was a mutual – albeit hostile – agreement. "_Still think you're just giving him a better opportunity to stab you in the back later."_ – that was all Jacob had to say on the matter when Shepard made the choice. Miranda just stared at Shepard like the very last tiger that ever lived from the old images of Earth Shepard remembered from childhood – a once wild, proud and formidable predator, who had known too long the bars of her cage. Breaking away, then having to go back: _not a positive reinforcement of her faith in me._

At least they had access to discounted parts and maintenance, they had access to Cerberus communications and all their technology upgrades. It _was_ a risk. No parts purchased through Cerberus went unchecked by Tali, Garrus, Kasumi and EDI for sabotage or bugs, and this doubled the time for fitting replacement components not least because only Normandy crew were allowed to do the repair work. The Normandy had been in a sorry state after the returning through the Omega 4 Relay, and now funding was no longer something they were being afforded, so having made crucial repairs it was time to go out and raise some credits.

There were a few errands to run, progress to be checked, messages to write, reports too (she hadn't got out of _that_, unfortunately) and some hunting for missions that would be ethical but also lucrative (a lot harder than it sounds even with Liara's new resources at hand). Shepard cleared her throat as she caught the title of the next message to land in her inbox and raised an eyebrow with disbelief – the person sending it was either crazy, or crazy and rich. She read the text and asked EDI to run the necessary checks – if they checked out, they'd go for it. If the Blue Suns had resorted to pet-napping then they were harder hit by her efforts and more desperate than she thought. _If we do the pay had better be genuine..._

Finally her shift ended with the last straggler returning to the ship. Walking into her quarters and seeing the aftermath of the night before Shepard couldn't help but crack a smile. At least the flowers were still intact, in fact they were still releasing their stunning perfume as she'd walked in the door, stirring memory. Slipping into the shower her mind recalled _all_ those guilty pleasures, over and over as the water poured over her skin like his fingers had. Suddenly mid-lather she recalled how she'd almost... _almost __what__ exactly – 'called in sick' for crying out loud? _It was not like Shepard to put personal pleasure above duty, but she'd been very close this morning. The notion that Zaeed was bringing out some darker side of her troubled Shepard more than anything else. She dabbed the water from her hair and body with a towel with a frown of self-distaste: _No. Not while I still draw breath. __Nothing__ gets in the way of the mission. Not sex, not love, __nothing__._

Perhaps it would be better to end things with Zaeed and get over it. _It would probably be better for both of us – _or so ran Shepard's line of thinking as she began tidying. _After all_, she thought, _the upset and upheaval will only be greater the longer you leave it_. She picked up stray objects from the floor outside the bathroom, trying not to think about how they got there as she returned them to their proper places on her desk. _However,_ she continued her thoughts, _I can't just use Zaeed and then discard him like some unwanted toy_... That again would signify a total breach of her personal protocol. In other words: she was stuck. Shepard didn't _do_ 'stuck'.

Her mind still trying to figure out the best course of action Shepard rounded the corner of the coffee table to pick up a stray petals that had fallen on the floor near the foot of the bed. Something glittered as it caught the light near her bedside table. Approaching the object she realised it was a piece of jewellery – a simple but sturdy gold chain. She knew instantly who it belonged to and her heart fluttered. That reaction on its own could mean a lot of things. She hesitated for a moment, then picked up the chain and stared at the shimmering metal as she dangled it the blue light of the fish tank. Turning it over her fingers she traced an inscription: _For you, Zaeed, on your 22__nd__ birthday. Always come home to me, Love Alice. _Shepard's stomach clenched and a coolness swept over her like someone had just stepped on her grave. _Coming home, _she remembered,_ was exactly what he'd been doing the night he'd thought he'd lost her._

Zaeed was virtually in tears when he told her that story, and as she recalled that fact the invisible connection that had formed between the two of them made itself apparent again as she caressed the chain with empathy. She had to shake herself from this daze to remind herself that this was something that should be returned to its owner. Alice had sounded like a kind-hearted woman with gentle manners. How Alice ever wound up with Zaeed was anyone's guess. Nevertheless she had mattered to him a great deal – even if he hadn't really understood it at the time and only realised it later in her absence_. He wouldn't have kept that chain with him all this time otherwise, now would he?_

Dropping the chain into her pocket she finished tidying her cabin and headed down to the cafeteria for a meal, resolving to stop by the starboard cargo bay after that. Upon finishing her meal she decided that Zaeed had a right to visit Alice's grave again if he wanted to. She was certain the last time he was not in any state to really say good bye and let her go. _It might help him find peace, find a way to heal this old wound and leave it in the past where it should be_. Who knows, maybe after that he'd decide he didn't really want Shepard anyway, and things might go back to how they were. The small voice that murmured a wish for that not to happen was quietened as Shepard asserted to herself: _He needs that goodbye regardless what follows. Crew comes first and he's crew so get on with it._ Mind on business she returned her tray to Gardner and headed down to the engineering deck.

As she stepped into the cargo bay she was greeted with a familiar sound. He was leaning against the wall in his usual spot, sharpening one of his many knives. "Back for more?" He scoffed, but there was wariness behind his eyes – like he was half-joking about the double meaning, half nervous of why she was here.

Shepard stepped forward and smiled nervously. "I... believe this is yours." She reached into her pocket and grasped the chain, holding it out to him as she let it dangle from two fingers.

"Ah." He nodded and smiled, instantly taking the edge off their meeting. There was a hint of sadness in his eyes but he quickly put it away behind a broad and confident smile. "Thanks for bringing it back." He took the chain and held it in his palm, staring at it.

Shepard observed that both his hands were gloved. She always did find it funny how he'd rather lounge around in his armour and combat gear than change into more comfortable clothes. Garrus was the same. Instinctively she asked: "Ah. Would you like me fasten that for you?" He brought his gaze up from the chain to her eyes, sober but difficult to read again. A small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as she was quickly aware of the physical closeness she was proposing.

"Yeah. Alright." He said softly in a tone that made her spine tingle, then chuckled, "I can handle more than you'd think in this material," He flexed and relaxed the fingers of the arm covered in black rubberised armour-net, "but I'll admit this chain's a tad tricky." He dropped the chain back into her hands.

With half a nod and a half-smile Shepard undid the fastening and stepped forward. "Oh sorry..." she said just as Zaeed began to lean forward. "Could turn around? It'll be easier to do if I can see what I'm doing." Having his face near-buried in her breasts was not really how she wanted to handle the topic of offering to take him to visit Alice's grave.

"Urm..." Zaeed lifted his eyes to hers before straightening up and pushing off the wall. "... Yeah. Sure." He mumbled, turning around. It was then that Shepard belatedly realised that he actually _was_ too tall for her to do that without pressing against him on tiptoe. _Damn it._

With embarrassment she tried not to laugh. "Sorry." A small snigger escaped her lips. "Ahem. Umn. Stop... You'll have to turn around again..."

"What? Why? Make up your bloody mind woman..." Zaeed muttered, trying to sound annoyed and failing. He managed to stop himself from grinning though.

"I uh... keep forgetting you're taller than me..." She could come up with nothing better. So he was leaning forward again. Reaching her arms behind his neck she felt for the fastening and cocked her head, using her eyes to make sure she got it into the right loop before letting go.

"Sure. Easy to forget. Not like I regularly shoot over your shoulder or anything..." He muttered. Shepard gave him a look of 'not impressed'. "Short arse." He murmured.

That got a raised eyebrow from Shepard: "What did you just call me?" She frowned, feeling for the clasp.

"What? I was just clearing my throat." He'd turned his head towards her just enough catch her scent ...and the memories that surfaced with it. _Wonder if she'd get her knickers in a twist if I borrowed one of her shirts..._

"There. Done." She smiled. He hadn't touched her, but his hands hovered near her waist for just a moment and she'd felt his breath upon her neck. "Actually..." She hesitated as she dropped her arms. "There _was_... something I wanted to talk to you about." She let the chain fall to his collar and took a small step back as she cleared her throat.

He stood up straight as he began to tuck the chain under his rubberised collar. "Oh?" He slowed his actions and was unreadable again.

Shepard took a breath: "Look. I know things have moved pretty fast between us..." Shepard was about to launch into a dignified, well-reasoned statement where she pointed out that Alice was more than likely still close to his heart, that maybe their rushing into things had been a bad thing, that he needed time to heal, and that maybe this wasn't right... Of course, she lever got past the first pause for breath.

"Bit late to take things slow don't you think? Besides. I don't do things by half measures." _Counter statement_. Zaeed leaned with his back to the wall, arms folded and looking down at her through half-lidded eyes. The tone of his voice carried warning, like the soft growl of a guard dog.

"So I noticed." She smiled and sighed, folded her arms as looked up at him. It was oddly charming the way he had so aggressively leapt to the defence of ... _'us'..._ She walked across the bay and planted her bottom on the table, her hands supporting her as she leaned back, crossing her legs at the shin. She sighed again and shook her head. "I read the inscription, Zaeed."

Zaeed said nothing, only nodded and tracked her eyes as they shifted to the floor, then back to meet his. Then he shrugged: "And?" He was still guarding something.

"You kept that chain with you all these years. I'm guessing it must mean a lot to you."

Zaeed sighed loudly and shifted his weight as he leaned back. _Probably not what you think... but let's see where you take this._

_Silence?_ _He's not going to make this easy is he? _Shepard tried again: "You said that you never got the chance to say goodbye to her."

Zaeed placed his hands on his hips and turned a little to one side. He huffed, sighed another exhaustive sigh then stared out of the window, into the stars. "I visited her grave but... No... I didn't say 'goodbye'. Not properly. Too angry... I s'pose." His dropped his head and shrugged. "Are you going to wind your way to a point any time soon? Because if not I was thinking of getting some coffee..." He was getting none too fond of this poking and prodding, and if she was just going to use this as grease to ease her calling quits on their fling well...

"She clearly meant a lot to you and I..." Zaeed's irritation was audible in his sigh, but Shepard was determined this was something that needed airing: "I was wondering if maybe that'd be something you'd like to do – as in, visit her grave."

She could see he was uncomfortable but something eased, like that wasn't what he was expecting her to say. He only nodded, and half turned, just enough to give her a grateful half-smile. "Thanks for the offer."

"I'm serious Zaeed. Just say the word and we'll go, alright?"

"I'll think about it."

"Fine. Think about it. Just... Don't take too long to decide you want to go. Can't be long now before we have to go be 'big goddamn heroes' again." She jested with an imitation of his body language, he smiled – an honest smile – but... he was still sober.

"Shepard the chain... it... isn't what you think." For just a fraction of a second there was pleading in his expression.

"Zaeed..." She cocked her head as she gently shook it.

_She thinks I care for the dead more than the living. Stupid woman. _"You never asked me _why_ I left it in your quarters." _Smart as smart could be but dumber than a brick wall. _

Shepard was slightly surprised at that. She half-squinted her eyes with suspicion: "well I _had_ assumed you just forgot it..."

"Hah!" Not a friendly laugh. Zaeed turned a disapproving stare to her as he stepped closer, leaning a fist on the table edge as he slouched. "You really think I'd be that careless with something you suppose is _that_ precious to me?" Shepard looked at him sideways – there was hidden meaning to that.

"You're saying you didn't forget it?"

"Seemed like a good way to leave the ball in your court – I knew you'd drop by when you felt ready, and how you reacted might tell me a thing or two about where this is going." Zaeed crossed his arms and jutted his jaw. Through half-lidded eyes he looked down at her and added with a shrug: "Maybe it was just a good way to get you down here..." He gestured with a hand and that sly grin was back, hiding all.

"Uhuh." She took a moment to absorb the confession – if that's what it was – that he had in fact left it there on purpose. In any case, she had brought to the table what she had wanted to – to offer him a visit to Alice's grave – so with that she smiled and she took the bait: "So... what do you think you've learned?" Shepard raised a brow, and a doubtful smile.

Zaeed shook his head. "Don't give Shepard fuel for stupid notions for starters. But after that, it's difficult to be sure." He watched carefully as Shepard unfolded her arms and rested her palms on the edge of the table. Slowly he placed his hand down on the table next to hers and leaned towards her a little. She didn't flinch. He shrugged: "It's not always easy to work out what a woman wants." He leaned a little closer.

"Oh I don't think you have _that_ problem Zaeed." The silk was back in her voice again before she realised how that was going to come out. Closer still...

Shepard wore a Cheshire Cat grin that faded into a curt smile, but regardless she wasn't pushing him away. _Closer._ _Softer now._ "You're not an easy woman to figure out, Shepard." His nose was within an inch of hers and his eyes were on her lips.

Shepard's heart began to pound as the part of her that was demanding some sense of order, formality, and _not_ rushing headlong into things was quietly subdued. _Ah Hell with it. _She brought her hand up to tug at his chest armour as she pulled his lips to hers in a long, passionate kiss. He sandwiched her between himself and the desk, propping himself up with his hands on the desk either side of her as he pushed against her.

She shoved him away enough to break the kiss. "Fine then what does _that_ tell you?" She asked, beginning to breathe harder.

"That I'm a very, very lucky man?" His mind was racing thinking about how and where in this room he was going to have her as he kissed her. This time and she had to hold onto his armour just to stop herself from falling backwards. He pulled away just long enough to add: "Hell honestly I dunno – I'm just glad you're here..." before smothering her with another kiss as he pulled her close. _When an old dog decides it's got something worth holding onto, he damn well won't let go of it without a fight_. Zaeed figured he was onto a good thing with Shepard, and he'd go to Hell and back before he'd let go of it.

It was possible Zaeed would never tell Shepard the _whole_ truth about why he'd left the chain that Alice gave him in her quarters last night. Alice had bought that chain for him nearly a year into their relationship. She'd never known he'd slept around... She was just grateful that he showed her any kindness at all. He used to take the chain off when he was with another girl, because even though he never admitted it at the time, he actually _did_ feel guilty for cheating on her. Eventually she got under his skin enough for him to stop, but that just meant it burned all the more when he'd thought her dead.

Thinking she'd died trusting him and never knowing what a son of a bitch he'd been made him so mad. Her love - which he later so desperately wanted - was a lie even if she had never known it, because he lied to her. After that the chain was his private curse, his cross to bear to remind him that some things come at too high a price, and to remind him that when you've got something _that _goddamn good you shouldn't bloody screw it up. Last night was the first time since he thought she'd died that he'd _ever_ taken it off. However he had _not_ taken it off because he felt guilty, he took it off because for the first time in years... _he didn't_.

* * *

Apologies folks - meant to get this to you for a Christmas present and failed (small matter of computer running out of battery, my being mid-flow writing, so the thing turned off and I lost about 4hrs of work! Anyway... here's this chapter. I've already partially written another 3.

[SPOILER ALERT - the next line is a taster of what's to come...]

Zaeed's in for a shock when he visit's Alice's grave, Shepard has some unpleasant reminders of her past, and revenge is going to be back on the menu.


	14. Chapter 14  Friends and Lovers

01 Mar 2012

~ Finding The Heart ~

Friends and Lovers

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the intellectual property of Bioware, not mine.

WARNING: Rated MA. 16yrs+ readers only please. Foul language, adult concepts.

Author note: I've purposefully tried not to describe Shepard too much, after all, fans of Mass Effect will each have their own versions of Shepard, so I leave those parts up to your imagination.

* * *

"Garrus!" Shepard barked, "If I have to tell you ONE MORE TIME to get your Turian butt back into cover I'm going to come over there and shoot you myself!" and to herself more quietly: "Damned Turian's trying to make me die of a heart attack just for spite I _swear_... He's never forgiven me for dying without him..."

"Scratch THREE!" – Yelled back Garrus, as cocky as ever.

"Sometimes I wonder how you contained his enthusiasm in his youth." Remarked Samara, sliding into cover beside Shepard. She'd just set to screaming the three mercenaries who'd managed to scuttle to the cover 20 ft ahead of them as she reaped their energy for her own.

"His youth wasn't _that_ long ago..." Shepard replied and added: "You've _got_ to teach me how to do that one day." Shepard cocked her head in their direction and Samara smiled.

"It requires extensive meditation before one is able to hone their biotic abilities sufficiently so that the field replenishes them whilst harming their foes." Samara briefly turned her wizened smile and half winked: "It would take some time to teach you." Quickly her eyes moved back to the battlefield ahead.

Yes Garrus was back up again, shooting the writhing bodies. "Garrus!" Shepard yelled at him, spotting several more mercenaries – one with a rocket launcher – as they entered the killing field some 120 yards ahead. Catching his eye to scold him, she nodded in their direction. His eyes narrowed in a predatory declaration that he knew what he was doing and turned toward the group. Still turning he sniped one of the group in one smooth movement, continuing the turn as he fell back into cover as the first rocket exploded against the rock he ducked behind.

"Make that _four_." He stated loudly.

"I might have been impressed if you'd have hit the one with _rockets_." Shepard scowled at him and grimaced, shaking her head as another two rockets impacted and exploded the other side of the rock behind which _she_ was hiding. _Great. That means we didn't managed to wipe out the last wave before someone in that group informed the next group of our position. Time to move._

"Remind me - why we are doing this?" Samara asked calmly as she advanced to the next cover point. Shepard asked herself the same question as she eyed up a piece of cover just ahead of where Samara had gone.

"Enjoying the sunshine, admiring the scenery, and getting paid for it." _Meet Garrus. King of the sarcy-smart-assed comment._

"NOT-" _[FfffssssBANG!] _ "-GETTING PAID-" _[ffsssssBANG] _ "-ENOUGH!" Shepard yelled between impacts of three more rockets. She was getting fed up of the ringing they left in her ears. She chanced it, and dived towards the next boulder for better vantage. She was just about to poke her head up when Garrus yelled her name – she knew _that_ tone. She ducked down covering her eyes as a bullet screamed past where her head had been (that was from Garrus) followed milliseconds later by a shattering explosion like the sound of a thousand windows being smashed – _cryo grenades... my __favourites__..._ Shepard pulled her "not impressed" face.

"No more rockets." Garrus yelled forward to her gleefully. Shepard rolled her eyes. He was the only person she trusted to snipe over her shoulder like that – they were old hands at this game, and he knew her reactions as well as she did. Still, sometimes he cut it a little _too_ close for comfort.

After the dust cleared and the ringing in her ears stopped she waved a cursory thank you to Garrus. "OK lets wrap this up!" She yelled back, and they advanced – guns blazing and biotics flaring...

* * *

Zaeed did **not** think much of this enforced 'thinking time'. He'd far rather be out there where the killing was, but it wasn't the first time Shepard hadn't taken him on a mission. He knew her style by now – she regularly tried to rotate who she took with her on missions unless there was some particular advantage to having a specific member of the team with her. Garrus – the lucky bastard – was picked more often than most though. He'd noticed that. Today though, she'd actually courteously given him a reason for not inviting him along for the fun. It was the shittiest reason he'd ever been given: he was being given "time to think", oh and "time to heal" – _time to sit on his ass and mope or die of boredom_, he surmised to himself. _S'pose I should have something to say to her when she gets back, else she'll never let me get back into business. _He rolled his eyes.

Still, he couldn't really complain too much. She genuinely seemed to _care_ - the saft mare – first time a woman had done that in years, well since Alice really. At least the time spent with her gave him plenty to think about when she wasn't around... Not that he was about to tell her of course that his hours spent away from her were not spent on cool internal reflection but spent instead reminiscing over hot sex with her and dreaming up dirty scenarios. He had already concocted a plan for how he was going to jump her in the lift one of these mornings, _leave her all hot and flustered before starting her shift_. _Ha! _ He was pretty sure he could get the right result without having to remove a single item of her clothing... He smirked at the thought, but then he remembered where she was now and began to feel restless again.

_Alright, alright_. He tossed the tattered hardback antique he'd been reading into the crate that contained his scant wardrobe. Enough was enough. He'd spent seventeen hours fantasising over her body, the sounds she made, things he'd like to see her _in_, things he'd like to _do_ to her or have _done_ to him _by_ her. He'd also read, sharpened several knives, cleaned his rifles, and _yes_... he _had_ thought about what she'd said about visiting Alice's grave again. Shepard was right, he hadn't said goodbye, not really. She was right, he probably should. She was right – _as per bloody usual_. Better to get it done and out of the way – _then get back to being a big goddamn hero again_, he thought with a smirk.

He was eager to leave the past behind and start over, he was determined to move on. Besides Shepard gave him more hopes for 'the future' than he really knew where to start with. _Kinky retirement, if we live that long..._ Either way, life was well worth living so he wanted to get on with it - come Reapers and the end of civilisation or not - it made no difference to Zaeed once he'd decided that. _Give it all you've got until it kills you._ That was just the way Zaeed thought. He'd cheated death far too many times to want to sit around moping and he knew in his heart he was a survivor and always would be.

So now to the task at hand – being able to show and convince Shepard of all these things. He thought about Alice's grave, and what he was going to do when he got to it. _She'll probably offer to come with me, bless 'er cotton socks..._ He shook his head and smiled. He knew deep down he'd pretty much healed – _she _ had done that. What happened to Alice was a long time ago – even if he _had _ only found out about it recently. This was just... ceremony. He was still glad of the opportunity though, to say goodbye properly. Alice did deserve that much. It was also good internal symbolism for his letting go and of moving on. Zaeed believed in symbols, in rituals, though none of the ones _he_ followed could ever be called cultured or religious... He ran his fingers over the chain around his neck. _I guess I'll be taking you off too, when I go, and I'll be leaving you there._

* * *

When Garrus exited the lift Shepard followed. They were both weary from having only just returned to the Normandy, but it was now or never. She stopped first for some sickly sweet black Sri Lankan tea before following where he'd walked, removing her helmet and taking a sip before pressing for access to the Forward Batteries. The door sprang open and Garrus was already staring at his console. It's possible he'd been waiting for her – the thought of which set a lump in her throat when she tried to speak.

"Garrus. Got a minute to talk?"

"I _was_ in the middle of some calibrations before you summoned me for the last mission. I guess I can wait a little longer before seeing the results... so... sure. Why not?" He'd already tucked his own helmet away into storage. Turian military habits die hard: _Secure __everything__ – anything you leave lying around could become a health-hazard if artificial gravity gets disabled or the ship takes a hit and suddenly changes vector. Your helmet could knock you cold, a spanner could become a flying stake that impales you to the wall... Death by tea cup. It happens._

"Garrus." Shepard moved towards the bench and sat down there, setting her helmet down beside her. "I respect your opinions. More than that you're my friend. I want you to tell me if you think I'm losing it." She looked deadly serious. He immediately knew where the conversation was going, but swallowed his dread of the subject and decided cut straight to it. 'Relationships' was one topic their friendship had never really ventured forth to cover before. At least not 'advice'. On top of that, romantic affairs were never a topic he felt he could give good advice on so he'd been dreading this day for a long, long time – _but I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later._

"You're talking about the fact that you're bunking with the kind of guy I'd probably have spent time hunting down in order to kill, if he were on Omega when my team was active." He walked to the corner by the door and folded his arms. Anyone who couldn't read Turian faces wouldn't know that at this point in time he was smiling smugly, revelling in the awkwardness now painted across Shepard's face. It was his way of taking the high ground.

"You noticed, huh?" She rolled one hand around the other's fist as she propped up her chin and rested her elbows on her knees. She stared at the floor, knowing full well this was going to be even more painful a conversation than she'd already expected it to be.

"I guess you could say that. But your first date wasn't exactly a _covert_ operation."

"_Not_ my choice." She pulled a face. Garrus let loose a dry snuffle – a sound she'd come to understand as a special kind of Turian laugh, one that insults the other person present. She knew how absurd what she'd just said sounded. The idea that anyone could coerce Shepard into doing something she really didn't want to do was unheard of until now.

"I guessed as much. Nevertheless, I think you'd be hard pushed to find a crew member that _doesn't_ know what you two have been up to lately."

"Well _that's_ reassuring to know." Shepard face-palmed. It was no worse than she suspected, but hearing it said by someone else made it hit home.

"Never knew you had a thing for men with _scars_, Shepard." That got a laugh, and the tension eased from her shoulders a little. It was a joke, mostly... At least interspecies romance was never something _Garrus_ had ever considered. Having said that if Shepard were a Turian he'd have likely tripped over his tongue on his way to falling for her – flat on his face – about two minutes after meeting her. She was a woman that exuded power _and_ honour – a rare combination indeed.

"Hey don't get any funny ideas." She jested.

As things were, Garrus behaved like she was his sister and best friend all rolled into one. She was someone he could depend on and someone he felt strongly enough about to die defending. So he wasn't about to go easy on her about this. He needed to know her reasons and to double check them. Having protective instincts towards Shepard could, of course, get him into trouble with her – he had no right to declare that her love interests must pass his qualification criteria before dating her. Nor did he have the right to beat to a bloody pulp any unqualified candidates. Instinct _would_ likely get the better of him though, because_ Zaeed_ was not exactly on Garrus' list of people he'd be _happy_ with her dating. The plates on his spine prickled every time he thought about him touching her... but he blinked those thoughts away and focused his attention on observing her reactions.

Shepard sighed, and rubbed her forehead. "Frankly I would never have even _dreamed_ about this happening." Her hand gestured as she spoke to Garrus' boots. "We've had _far_ more than our fair share of fights. Half the time I don't know whether I've been lucky to have him around – to serve as a reminder of all the things I stand for _because he's the exact __opposite_ – or whether I should have thrown him out of the nearest airlock the first moment we met." She looked up to see Garrus nodding appreciably – readily in agreement with that statement, but he was holding something back (she could tell).

"Well now," His tone took to teasing, "if this is how you go about contemplating your lovers Shepard – weighing up whether or not you want to toss them out of an airlock – I glad _I'm_ not top of your list. _No offence._" He cocked his head on one side and threw her a Turian smirk.

She pulled a face back – "None taken." – and continued with her original line of thought. "Maybe. _Maybe_ I could have seen myself falling for one the crew, eventually – some time down the line after we all managed to get through this thing alive and had time enough to _think_ about that sort of thing. But to be perfectly honest I'd have thought myself more likely to date _you_ than him, _no offence_." She looked up and smirked at her old friend.

Garrus shook his head and hardened his eyes at her with a predatory grin. "None taken." _What is it humans so often say.. touché? _ "Well it's still nice to know I was _somewhere_ on your list..." He shrugged with this look of unflappable nonchalance.

Shepard shook her head and smiled, she had always loved his quick wit and smart-ass retorts, even if she could have killed him for them on occasion. There was a long pause until she finally found the words she'd really come here to ask of her old friend:

"Anyway. Honest opinion: do you think I'm losing it?"

Confronted with the anxiety in her expression and the opportunity to voice his true opinion, suddenly Garrus found he couldn't give it – well not all of it – without first considering all things in an unbiased fashion. To be honest he had rather counted on that happening: he knew if she didn't ask his opinion, he'd stew, but being presented with the freedom to express his opinion threw him into investigative mode and made him think more carefully about what he was going to say. After a pause he sighed and began his answer:

"I've heard humans say sometimes that 'opposites attract'. I can't think of a better example than you two..." Garrus laughed. That brought a worried smile to her face. He dropped his arms and paced closer. "Look, if you'd have asked me what I thought of the idea before you did it, I'd have been seriously concerned." The worry painted on her face turned to bitter acknowledgement. _That_ made Garrus question why he'd clearly touched a nerve – _what is it that she has found to give her reason to be attached to him? _ Shepard had dropped her head into her hands, expecting worse to come. _It's clearly not just sex..._

"But now..." Garrus was grappling with some uncomfortable facts as he recalled memories of before and after this interlude began: "Something _changed_ him." He turned to look at her, her face having lit up with hope he'd not seen in her eyes since before Virmire. He admitted, grudgingly: "He's not the same man. I can see that." That was as much an admission to himself as it were for her sake. He threw her that trusting stare of sincerity he used when he was offering reassurance. As the pieces began to fall into place, Garrus found the advice he didn't think he'd be able to think up when this conversation began: "My guess is _you_ know it, _he_ knows it, and you both lost your footing."

"Meaning we _used_ to know where we stood with one another, and now we don't – because he's changed?"

Garrus turned away and shrugged his shoulders: "You feel like the ground just got pulled out from under you." That explained the present quandary, Zaeed not being the same person as he had been before, explained the rest. Garrus did have to wonder what had changed such a man sufficiently for Shepard to find him attractive, but he could save those questions for later.

"Couldn't have described it better than that myself." She replied.

There was still doubt of course, and Garrus knew from long years of C-Sec service that people don't easily change their habits or their values. "I can't tell you it's _right_ Shepard." Then his mind flitted to the bigger picture: "I can't say I think romancing anybody is a sane thing to do considering what we're up against." Meaning the danger of crumbling when you lose someone that close to you, or the danger of caving into blackmail when their welfare is held for ransom... But Shepard deserved more faith than fretting over her likelihood to succumb to such manipulation. She'd earned it. He turned to face her again, with a penetrating stare: "Then again, if you don't take what you can get now, who knows when you'll get another chance?" He spoke those words as they came to him, and it suddenly was brought home to Garrus that it Shepard _deserved_ happiness – every bit as much as the people she was trying to save – and what she did with that fact was her right to choose.

There was a long pause, and Shepard nodded slowly. "Thanks... Garrus." His faith in her was reassuring. Shepard smiled. It was a smile Garrus had not seen in while. He'd seen it a lot less frequently than he'd have liked. Her face had lit up with relief like that when he walked into the briefing room straight from the operating table (despite Dr Chackwas' objections), after taking that hit on Omega. He'd caught her smiling like that at Alenko once or twice too, until Alenko found himself on the wrong side of the numbers on Virmire. Garrus had always respected Shepard for the choice she'd made that day – she hadn't faltered even when faced with such a difficult decision and he wasn't about to lose faith in her now. Nonetheless, it had been hard not seeing her smile like that for so long because of it.

"No problem." He shrugged, then pointed a finger at her: "And if it doesn't work out or he gives you any trouble you can't -" He paused, she scowled, he quickly rephrased, "don't _want_ to be _bothered_ dealing with... I'll knock him cold, strip him naked and dump him outside C-Sec, along with a list of all his offences tied around his neck."

Shepard laughed out loud in surprise and shook her head. "Garrus..."

"Oh I can do the digging and find out what he's done, mark my words there's bound to be plenty of things I could nail him with if needs be. Plus I could always leave some room for creative flair..."

Shepard's face turned sober. "_Garrus._" She scowled at him, but she was grateful for the sentiment. Then her face turned sober again thinking about what he'd just said. "Actually... that's one of the things that bothers me... There's many things he's done that I know about and don't like... I wonder sometimes about the things I _don't_ know." Garrus watched her for a moment – reassured by the fact that clearly she had not forgotten that Zaeed was more than likely a criminal with a string of offences to his name. She sighed and shook her head. "And in any case, can a man ever really change? Can criminals ever turn into productive members of society?" She looked at him doubtfully. If anyone else had asked _her_ the same question she'd have had a confident and optimistic answer, but finding herself being the one asking it meant she entertained doubts.

"Depends on the criminal." Garrus shrugged and raised his brows in honesty, "Depends on what made them the way they are, and therefore what can unmake them. Some people are just too far gone. Some clearly have some cross-wired neurons in their brains and crazy doesn't get fixed through rehab. Others... Well if the change doesn't break them then they can become pretty amazing people." He gestured with a hand as memories of C-Sec came flooding back to remind him of that: "One of the best C-sec officers I ever met was herself once a criminal. She used her knowledge of the criminal underworld to do her job, and she did it very well. She tended to keep her head down though – not everyone appreciated working with an ex-criminal and not everyone believed she'd really given up that life. Still..." Garrus shrugged. "I guess she's a good example that there's always hope."

"I know what you mean. I suppose I just wish I knew for sure I wasn't setting myself up for some horrible fall later down the line." Shepard pulled a helpless smile as she shrugged.

"Risk nothing, gain nothing. Just don't sacrifice your principles." Garrus' cocky smile was back.

"That something I said or one of yours?" Shepard stood up, satisfied she'd talked about what she'd wanted to talk about, and feeling a little better for it. Garrus had settled himself leaning against his console with his arms crossed.

"Neither... well, both actually. First part's mine, second part is what _you_ taught me." The latter part he said with a pointed finger and a respectful lilt of his head.

Shepard half smiled, nodded and walked towards the door, helmet tucked under her arm. Turning to remark over her shoulder she replied: "It's a good piece of advice."

He bowed his head and watched as the doors closed behind her. He recalled his own advice during this discussion, and the memories that backed up his words. Still... there was _something_ about Zaeed that continued to niggle at his nerves. Maybe he was jealous? He interrogated himself just to be sure. Maybe in truth nobody would ever be good enough for Shepard because secretly he wished she could be his? That was possible although he despised the notion that it was the cause of his nerves. Absurdity can be perfectly logical in your subconscious mind, _especially_ where it concerns contradictions in what you want. _If only she were Turian..._ yes that _was _ a ridiculous fantasy but one so easily entertained by a young male mind. _A__ young male mind typically craves anything so long as it's something they cannot have_ – so his mother always used to tell him.

He was doing Shepard a dishonour if that were the case. He _had_ caught him thinking that a couple of times after he'd found out about Shepard's death – it was pointless... a self-destructive, distractive tactic he'd used to justify a lot of crazy things he only really figured out were crazy by the way she'd reacted to him telling her about them recently. No Garrus had matured a lot since back then, and he knew there was no point falling for '_if only_'s, especially where they concerned physical impossibilities like transplanting Shepard's personality into a Turian body.

Of course the darkest answer to the question of why he was _still_ nervous was that his instincts thought Zaeed represented a real threat to Shepard, perhaps without any intention on the part of Zaeed to harm her... and Garrus' instincts were very rarely wrong about things like that. This was one occasion where he'd prefer to be the stupid, rash young male Turian with an impossible crush rather than the aged, hardened right-hand of Shepard, having developed impeccable instincts and a nose for trouble. Unfortunately, the more he thought about it, the more the latter felt true and his instincts were telling him to watch out for trouble with Zaeed...

Realising he'd been staring at the wall for quite some time Garrus sighed and turned back to his console. _Maybe I __will__ do some digging on Zaeed... Just in case... Damn I hope I'm wrong..._

* * *

Author note:

And there you have it. Sorry it took so long for me to get this up.

Next stop... Alice's grave: the not so peaceful goodbye.


	15. Chapter 15  Tears of Autumn

06 May 2012

~ Finding The Heart ~

Tears of Autumn

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the intellectual property of Bioware, not mine.

WARNING: Rated MA. 16yrs+ readers only please. Foul language, adult concepts.

Author note: I've purposefully tried not to describe Shepard too much, after all, fans of Mass Effect will each have their own versions of Shepard, so I leave those parts up to your imagination.

* * *

The pale pink-orange light of the setting sun poured over this land of mourning. All that it touched was washed with a rosy tint, and all else was cast in stark, long shadows upon this late autumn afternoon. _Seasons._ It was an odd sensation for someone who had spent most of their life on a space ship. Seasons would come and go and you would never know it, living out amongst the stars. But there was a part of you that remembered Earth even if you weren't born there, that recognised seasons and was permeated by them whenever you were groundside, even if you were on another planet.

To Shepard, autumn was always the most profound of seasons. The trees were in full senescence here, and the grass was dotted by the colourful tears of the mourning trees – golden bronze, sunset orange, copper and blood red. The smell of sweet musky odours saturated the damp air. Sight and smell summoned memory. She had shed her own tears once, mingling them with the tears of these trees. She had scarcely believed it when Zaeed had told her Mindoir was where Alice had lived out her last years, and that of all the cemeteries on this world, she was buried in _this_ one.

Shepard's stomach had been knotted the moment the planet's name had parted Zaeed's lips, and as the shuttle landed it had been knotted again. Standing _here_ her gut was tied up inside itself so many times over Shepard thought perhaps breakfast was going to reappear. She swallowed it back down, and instead tried to appreciate the reminder that two years spent dead (or worse) had not diminished her humanity: she could still _feel_.

"You really didn't have to come." Zaeed looked at her, his expression difficult to read. He was either feeling a little uncomfortable being here himself, or he was concerned for her, perhaps having done the necessary arithmetic to work out this planet may not be the happiest place for her. That's if he'd recently read or remembered her service record, of course it was also possible _someone_ - EDI – had tipped him off. EDI may well have come across information about the significance of this place to Shepard. Of course there was also another possibility:

_Is it that obvious I'm uncomfortable here?_

Shepard did her best to set aside her own discomfort. "No. We all have to face the past sometime. I have some ghosts to talk to here myself." She nodded and threw him a smile. She wasn't sure if he realised just how frail it was – he only nodded and half-smiled apologetically. Perhaps he _did_ notice but had afforded her a soldier's dignity by not saying so.

_Did it really have to be autumn..?_

Shepard asked the universe such questions from time to time. It was autumn when Mindoir had been attacked by Batarian slavers, pirates and raiders. It was, then, no coincidence that Hiro had killed himself also in autumm – himself reminded of the trauma inflicted upon them in that season a few years earlier. Now here she was, visiting the same graveyard, at the same time of year again and now Shepard had _three_ reasons to associate this season with misery. Chains of coincidence like that can push even a stronger-than-average person into leaving their homeworld or avoiding certain places, the association between location and negative experience being too strong to ignore.

On reflection it's possible Shepard had been running from here when she joined the Alliance. Nevertheless memory could not break Shepard. Anyone else might have deteriorated into a nervous wreck upon returning here and being faced with this barrage of memory-inducing sights, sounds and smells... _but not me._ She and Zaeed casually strolled along the cemetery's winding paths and approached the grave where Alice lay – her alabaster-white headstone engraved with roses. Zaeed stopped and faced Shepard with a weary smile. "I'd uh... like to have a few words... on my own... if that's OK."

Shepard nodded with a sober smile, "I understand. Actually... it'll give me a chance to go see an old friend." She tapped the ear of her helmet, "Drop me a line when you're ready to go." With that she turned, and walked away. It amused her how they had both come here decked in full armour, as if the dead might leap from their graves and require putting back there. It was a similarity that comforted her as the chill breeze cut below her visor to redden her cheeks.

Slowly Shepard headed off up the path that her feet remembered so well. There had been a time she came here more than once a day. As she walked, she couldn't help smiling at the dumb luck that brought both she _and_ Zaeed to this particular cemetery. Her feet stopped at the edge of her father's grave and the smile faded.

* * *

"Alice?" Zaeed stood at the foot of her grave, a holopicture of her likeness flickering with the wind, and the occasional leaf blown through it. He noted that the break in the mosses where he'd planted his fist the last time he was here was still there. The moss had regrown but the dent was still there. "Uh... Sorry about... that. You know my temper... Last time I came to visit I... well..." He drifted off, trying to find the words – what it was he'd come here to say? He felt like a bumbling fool but as he opened his mouth his memory gave him the words he wanted to say:

"I've done a lot of thinking since then, 'bout you and me, 'bout how our lives played out." He scoffed. "I was a bastard and a half back then, wasn't I? I know I was. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you went through all that shit because of _me_. Because they used you to get to me." He took a deep breath, and tried to resist going on a guilt trip. Instead he focused on the fact that Alice _had_ survived... and had somehow still found happiness. "I... I'm so... glad... you survived it. I'm glad you had a life without _me_, Alice." He dropped his head, trying not to choke on the words. "I'm glad you found someone who'd treat you right. Someone who deserved you more than I did." He sighed, as the cold wind stirred the fallen leaves around her headstone. He brushed off the few that had fallen on her stone.

"I guess I really didn't deserve you back then. But even if I'd found out you were still alive and found you afterwards, I'd still've found a way to fuck it up." He paused as he stared up into the cloudy sky. "I dunno if you could ever have loved me if you knew all the things I've done. I've done some... _terrible..._ things in my time, Alice. Things I know you'd be horrified to hear about. Even so," He looked again to her grave, "I reckon you might still 've cared for me despite them." Another sigh. "That's... not... the worst of it... though." He removed the chain she gave him from his neck and stared at it a while, his fingers almost shaking as he tried to tell the truth years after it would have meant anything.

* * *

_I have no idea if you'd be proud of me joining the Alliance, Dad__... but I__ hope you'd be proud of why do what I do, even though I guess you'd probably disapprove of my methods._

Shepard looked around and tried to appreciate the beauty of living things... of sky, of the wind on her face, of the sound of leaves rustling along the ground – all of which were things absent from life in space.

_You... always told me that land that could sustain life was precious, rare, and needed to be respected and protected. Well... I guess you could just say I took that a bit more literally than you probably intended._ She smirked. Shepard looked to her mother's grave.

_You always used to say you never wanted me to face the darkest times of my life alone. I used to think you were just trying to get me to be interested in the boys at school._

Shepard laughed – the first sound she'd made since she began standing here – then sighed. _I realise now that what you were trying to tell me was that there __would__ be dark times in my life, and that you were sorry you wouldn't always be there to comfort me. I'm sorry I didn't figure that out... until it was too late to say thank you..._ Shepard sighed again. _Thank you._

* * *

Zaeed looked up at Alice's headstone from his knees, his eyes burning. "Remember when you gave me this? It was my birthday. I was a sorry son-of-a-bitch back then. I slept around. I lied. I thought I owned the world and everything in it." He half-smiled, it wasn't a pleasant one – it was the kind he pulled right before he slit somebody's throat. The smile faded and anger replaced it. He resisted the urge to plant his fist into the ground and leave another dent. Instead he lifted his eyes, and lowered his voice. "But as much of a son-of-a-bitch as I was I want you to know _you_ got to me, got under my skin, _made_ me question..." He swallowed unable to finish his sentence. "I know that doesn't matter now." He grimaced in his bitterness.

He exhaled a long breath and found himself craving a cigarette for the first time in years. That or alcohol. Good job he had neither. "You know I used to take _this_ off whenever I was with another woman." He rolled his head back and round again, holding his eyes open against the stinging chill of the wind. "Even then you'd got to me." He laughed at himself in disgust. "I felt _guilty_, so I took it off. In the end some of what that meant must've sunk in because I _stopped_ cheating on you. But I guess was still too young and too stupid to understand what that really meant." He shrugged and ran his fingers over the chain as he stared down at it.

"I'm sorry. And I want you to know I _was_ coming home to you that day – I had an idea that I wanted to deserve you. Part of me had started to realise there was something special about _you_. When I thought you dead I swore I'd never to take this bleedin' thing off again. I felt like I needed to pay for what I'd done and I kept this chain as a reminder." He looked up at her headstone again, his eyes watering a little as he smiled. "I'm _done_ paying, Alice. I've learned my lesson, and I'm never going to make the same mistakes again – I promise you. Finding out you survived and lived happily ever after was probably the punishment I _needed_. It was a hell of a lot harder to deal with than my self-inflicted guilt." He gripped the chain symbolically to that. "So I'm going to learn from your example Alice: and I'm going to move on and I'm going to do things better."

* * *

Shepard found where Hiro lay and read the inscription on his headstone:

"_Only child of Yumi and Ronald Weiss. May the chains of the living world cease to bind you in death. May you find peace and comfort in the arms of your ancestors so that you will never again know loneliness."_

The customary memorials for his parents – bodies forever absent not because of cremation, but because they had never been found – stood behind. _Hiro._ Shepard thought, standing at the foot of her old friend's grave_. You probably wouldn't recognise the woman I've become, would you? _She huffed and knelt down on the grass - it was too wet to sit. _I miss your humour... I miss the way your music soothed my soul. I miss you... old friend._ She pulled a strand of grass from the edge of the path and began to pull it apart as she thought to him. _The last time I came here I couldn't quite forgive you for your weakness and I couldn't face my own. _She loosed a blade of grass for the wind to carry aloft. _Maybe I failed you. Maybe that's why you're here and not in some staggering concert hall performing beautiful music to billions of fans._ She shrugged, and frowned. _You're dead and I can't change that – all that you were, all that you could have been is gone, and I'll never know what might have been if I'd have stayed and tried to understand, to share what you were going through. I ran away. I thought I was being brave, but I wasn't. I just ran away. I'm sorry, Hiro..._

"_Shepard I'm done if you are."_ Zaeed's bodiless voice penetrated her reality before she could find anything else to say.

It took a moment to register what had been said, but after a silent pause Shepard realised she'd said all she could ever really say to Hiro. She also knew all too well that words were more for the living than for the dead. Pausing to look one last time at Hiro's grave she said the only thing left to say: _Goodbye, old friend._

She lifted herself from the grass and brushed herself off."...On my way."

"If you want to stay -" Zaeed began but she cut him off.

"No, I'm fine. I'll be there in a few minutes."

As she approached, Zaeed smiled and held out an inviting arm to bring her closer. "I was uh... just telling Alice how you won't be letting me get away with anything." He smiled and turned back to the grave, and cocked his head in Shepard's direction as he added "She'll keep me in line whether I bloody well like it or not." He turned a pained smile to Shepard before looking back and adding one last word: "Promise."

Shepard smiled a little. She wasn't sure if he was _actually _ talking to Alice, or if he was just doing this to cheer her up. "It's one of the graces of space: airlocks are never too far away..." She humoured him. He chuckled.

"Actually I... uh... wanted you here to witness something. I'm..." He held in his hands the chain that Alice had given him. "I'm not going to be wearing this anymore." He frowned and looked towards Shepard, almost as if he wanted some kind of reassurance.

"Are you sure about that..? I thought it meant a lot to you." Shepard frowned back, concerned.

"I'm sure. I've carried it around long enough." _His guilt_, she presumed. "It's time I let go."

As Zaeed knelt down to leave the chain on headstone Shepard heard footsteps on the gravel behind them. She paid the visitors no mind until she heard a small child's voice:

"Who's that man standing by mama's grave, daddy? And who's that lady?"


	16. Chapter 16  Revelations

14 May 2012

~ Finding The Heart ~

Revelations

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the intellectual property of Bioware, not mine.

WARNING: Rated MA. 16yrs+ readers only please. Foul language, adult concepts.

Author note: I've purposefully tried not to describe Shepard too much, after all, fans of Mass Effect will each have their own versions of Shepard, so I leave those parts up to your imagination.

* * *

Zaeed rose to his feet, the golden chain still dangling from his fingers. He and Shepard both turned to question if the words of the small voice were really directed at the two of them or if they'd somehow missed the approach of anyone else. They were greeted with the sight of a tall gangly man quickly muffling the girl with a hand and shushing her. No. The graveyard was empty but for them. Shepard looked immediately to Zaeed, trying to work out if this was someone he knew, and what his reaction was going to be.

The look of terror on the face of the man as his eyes met Zaeed's was disconcerting. He shoved the little girl behind him. Zaeed was quiet, as if still trying to place the man's face. Perhaps he failed to recognise the man at all, but it was clear _this man_ knew Zaeed.

There was no sound but the shifting of the wind and the leaf litter it playfully tossed about. Zaeed and the man seemingly frozen by their unblinking stare, Shepard's eyes were drawn to the little dark brown face peeking out from behind this man's thigh. The little girl clutched her hands around her father's knee, holding to them a small ragdoll. Sensing something ominous about this meeting Shepard moved, quietly, strategically planting herself where she could stand between the man and Zaeed if necessary. Her primary concern was of course the child, and what impact Zaeed's pummelling of her her father's face into the ground in front of her may have on her long-term mental welfare.

"Do you... know me?" Zaeed asked, cocking his head to one side. His expression – hard and frowning – could mean suspicion, confusion, or pain. It was hard to tell which applied. _Did he hear what the little girl said or did he just hear noise and turned around?_

"Please! Don't hurt Uhuru!" The man blurted out, his voice was shaking. Presumably he meant the child. He squeezed the little girl's shoulder hard enough that it must have caused discomfort, because she squirmed in her father's hold and made an unhappy sound.

"Don't be a bleedin' idiot man why would I hurt a child?" Zaeed snapped, insulted. He stepped forward. Sheppard did too, only her step was towards Zaeed. It was a small step but quick enough to catch his attention. Catching her guarded expression he halted. "Give me a reason to hurt _you_ and I might but I don't hurt _kids_..." His eyes drifted to the child and stayed there. They stayed there a lot longer than would be required for plain curiosity or simply taking in his surroundings. Shepard followed his gaze to the child, and back again. Then, like having taken a biotic punch to the chest, Zaeed's expression changed and he visibly reeled backwards from the sight of her. Suddenly he wore a look of profound misery, and Shepard knew there was something really, really wrong. She'd never seen such a look on his face before – it truly was_ pure _misery, not an ounce of anger to it at all.

"U-hu-ru..?" Zaeed's voice was but a whisper as dropped to his knees. The girl flinched, hiding behind her father's leg. She poked her head out again half a second later, just one eye first, then both visible. Her coarse black hair was tightly plaited against her scalp, the ends of which hung in two short pigtails, tied off with red ribbons that shifted with the wind. Shepard recalled the photograph of Alice that Zaeed had shown her in the shuttle on the way here – her dark skin, and characteristically broad, African smile.___ 'Uhuru' is Swahili for 'freedom'..._

Shepard stepped forward, offering a handshake, hoping to make the occasion a less nail-biting one. "I'm guessing you were Alice's husband, and this is your daughter?" Cautiously he took her hand and shook, limply, ever his eyes flitting back to Zaeed. "I'm Commander Shepard. May I ask how you know my crewman; Zaeed Massani?" The man didn't answer – his eyes fixed on Zaeed and too nervous to speak. Perhaps he was hoping he could lie and say he didn't. It was Zaeed who answered the question.

"Vladimir – right?" Zaeed stood up, pressing on one knee to do so, but did not shake the man's hand. _Whatever this is it needs to be sorted out but not here, and not in front of a frightened little girl_, Shepard worried. Zaeed paused for a deep breath, exhaling before continuing. "You were Alice's neighbour – two doors down on the other side of the hall, weren't you?" Zaeed slouched back and folded his arms. _Funny_. A month ago Shepard would have assumed from that particular body language meant that Zaeed was ready to pummel the guy if he didn't get a good enough answer. That might still be the case, but now she knew him a little better she knew that it also meant he was nervous. Not that it mattered, Zaeed already obviously terrified the man, who only nodded in answer to the question with fear plastered across his pasty-white, bearded face.

"You... Then it was _you_ that saved Alice from the fire, got her to hospital. Right?"

Another cautious nod. "Yes."

Zaeed slouched his shoulders and sighed as he dropped his arms and looked at the floor somewhere nearby. Shepard's heart sank with the defeat she saw in his posture, and with the choke of the words that followed that sigh: "If that's the case then you did what I was unable to do and I owe you more thanks than I know how to give." He looked up, staring at Vladimir directly under a heavy brow. _That was... unexpected... _Shepard thought to herself, _and gracefully reserved of him. _Her estimation of Zaeed just went up a few notches. Vladimir was even more shocked than Shepard, which in itself was surprising as it was hard to believe the man could look any more shocked than he had when he first laid eyes on Zaeed.

A gust of wind tossed leaves about between them, and there was an awkward silence, until a little voice peeped: "Did you know mama?" Uhuru's face was brimming with innocence. The little girl braved to step away from her father's leg.

"Uhuru!" Her father quickly grabbed her hand and made sure she moved no further forward.

Shepard saw Zaeed eye's water as the colour drained from his face. His expression contorted with pain before he smiled, and knelt down. "...Yes." He managed, swallowing, trying to maintain that smile. Uhuru's lack of fear was inspiring. Most children would recoil at the sight of a face so scarred as Zaeed's was. _This was the child that could have been his_, Shepard guessed, and even _she_ could spot the inheritance of her mother's features.

"Were you her friend?" The little girl ignored her father's nervousness. She was surprisingly bold given her father's reaction. Given the tenacity and strength of character Zaeed had attributed Alice with in his descriptions, perhaps it was part of Alice's character coming through.

"Yes... I... I guess you could say I was..." Zaeed smiled as he leaned on one knee. There was still that profound sadness trying to burst its way out behind his eyes. Every question the girl asked probably stabbed him straight through the heart. "I knew your mama once a long time ago... before you were born." Zaeed looked up at Vladimir, who still looked worried but the tension was slowly easing from his shoulders.

"Zaeed..." Vladimir pleaded quietly, "Please - I'd rather not talk about this here." He looked around nervously, as if there was a chance he was being watched.

"Somewhere else you'd suggest?" Zaeed's expression returned to his usual scowl as he rose to his feet. He wanted answers, that much was evident. There was something off about the man's reactions.

"I... Uhm... I guess you can come back to the farmhouse..." Vladimir nodded and walked, leading briskly them away towards the setting sun. Upon reaching his car Shepard told the Normandy to track her and Zaeed's location and delay sending the shuttle until further notice. The drive back to the farm took nearly twenty minutes, and the journey was conducted in silence for the most part, Uhuru chatting inanely to her doll until presumably having fallen asleep.

With no conversation, Shepard's eyes inevitably drifted towards the windows. The views brought back memories of running in fields of green and gold, picking sweet corn and tomatoes, and making mud pies in the brooks of her parents farmland. Memories that would have been happy ones, but for the memory of a day painted in the same colours as today, a day when her knowledge of the layout of the land had had to be put to a very different use. She shuddered at the memory, and pushed that thought aside as hard as she could.

Vladimir's farmhouse was thankfully not one she knew (Shepard had been dreading that possibility), but the smells and sounds and _feel_ of the place reminded her of a childhood spent surrounded by animals and farmyard equipment. The flat-packed colonial-issue building had obviously had some extensions made from local materials, and had begun to meld into the natural landscape. Her parent's holding on the other hand had been pretty new, and still almost white.

The tall, shy man seemed constantly suspicious of being watched, even here. A very nervous man indeed, but Shepard's had learned that quite often when someone was that worried they had good reason. She had a feeling all would be revealed, in time... She would be patient until then. They ducked into the farmhouse and he invited them in to sit down at a heavily scratched kitchen table. Zaeed and Shepard waited uncomfortably as Vladimir made them some tea. Uhuru hurried off to play with the ducks around the small pond just around the corner of the yard, tasked with the job of rounding up the chickens until by dusk.

"I wondered if it was you that might've rescued her." Zaeed commented, nursing the hot mug in his hands. "But there was no records to check. Most of the residents vanished and nobody left seemed to know anything, even after persuasion." There was silence. Zaeed lifted his mug and Shepard followed suit. _Persuasion, hm?_

"Why did you come here?" Vladimir blurted out suddenly, just as they were about to take their first sip. Sweat gleamed on his face and he was again that same frightened man they met on the hill in the graveyard.

Zaeed half-lidded his eyes, hesitating to take a sip, then took it anyway. He placed the mug down hard – not hard enough to spill its contents, but hard enough to get everyone's attention in the silence. "Damn it man what did it _look_ like I'd come here to do? I was here to pay my respects. _Nothing more._" Zaeed scowled, and would have continued with _'If I'd wanted you dead...'_ but _somebody_ had put her hand on his knee and was squeezing just hard enough for him to notice. He glanced at the person who's hand it was. Shepard's eyes pleaded for him not to turn this man into a nervous wreck, and reminding him that if he wanted any information a blubbering heap wasn't going to give it to him. Her eyes slid to the window for just a fraction of a second – making him feel guilty for even thinking of threatening the man. He'd not have flinched away from that had it been any other child out there, but Uhura was a different matter. _OK. So no threats_.

"Vladimir." Shepard began, soft and calm and friendly. "Do you know who I am?" A shake of the head. _Wow. Someone who __doesn't__ know me... on __this__ planet no less..._

"I thought I recognised you though." He admitted, with a flicker of his eyes.

Shepard smiled. "This is actually my homeword." Her voice took on a more humorous tone, "Have you seen the new seal for this colony?" Vladimir squinted in the remembrance then shook his head, unable to help smiling at the surprise.

"You're..?" He looked a little hopeful for a moment.

"Yes. I'm the Shepard they refer to."

"But aren't you supposed to be dead..?" The man was confused. "I mean... I remember hearing some news article say something about possible sightings of you alive, but I figured they were just low on ratings and needed to come up with something."

"I went missing in action and was in a coma for 2yrs." _Half-lie. But there probably isn't ever going to be a day when the truth will be acceptable to use or comprehensible to ordinary people..._ "I didn't know who I was or anything in that time, and more importantly neither did the people who rescued me." _Well, at least that's true from my point of view..._ "Anyway... One day I woke up and everything was there again, but it takes time to start a new life." She used 'new life' as opposed to 'pick up the pieces of an old life' – it was a subtle shift of perspective, and one she hoped would get Vladimir talking.

"I can appreciate that." Vladimir nodded.

"Vladimir if you know my reputation then you should know you've got nothing to fear from me. As it happens Zaeed is a member of my crew now, so that means you don't have to fear anything from him, either." She let that sink in – for both of them. If her reputation counted for anything, Vladimir might just spill whatever it was he was holding back now if he felt safe enough.

"I uhm... Wasn't sure if you were going to kill me. A-at first I mean." Another squeeze of Zaeed's knee kept him from opening his mouth to match with words the frown he was wearing. _Let him speak._ She told him with her eyes. At least if Vladimir noticed, he'd be aware she was the one in charge, although it was doubtful he knew exactly _how_ she was keeping Zaeed restrained. Vladimir shook his head: "At least that's what _they_ told me..." He breathed slowly, letting out the breath he must've been holding since he first laid eyes on Zaeed.

"Who's _they__?" _ Zaeed snapped. The cogs were already turning. He could smell something fishy. Something prickled his nape. Instantly he knew someone was going to pay. Pay for he knew not what yet but _someone_... was going to _pay..._

The fear was back in Vladimir's face again. "Your '_mate'_ Vido... found us... just after we settled in a different city." 'Mate' was clearly not a word Vladimir would use, it was one Zaeed would use, and from the tone of his voice it was clear that the two had never exactly been friends – Zaeed and Vladimir. But 'Vido' – the mere mention of that name... _Oh great, here we go..._

"**Vido?**" Zaeed's eyes were about to pop out of his head, and if the veins could stick out of his head any more than they were now Shepard was worried he was going to have an aneurism. Shepard did her own maths as to what this meant. How long Zaeed was working with Vido after he thought Alice had been killed Shepard couldn't say, but if Vido _knew_...

"He _said_ you were looking for us." Vladimir began nervously. "He - he said you'd thought Alice was dead, but then found out she wasn't and that you were crazy with anger because she hadn't come back to you. He said - he _said_ - that you'd gone raving mad when you'd heard she'd found another man and that you were looking for us, and heaven knows what you'd do if you found out the other man was me! He said you thought Alice had betrayed you and you were on your way to kill me - maybe both of us!"

Zaeed slammed his face into his hands and pulled at his scalp as Vladimir eyes flitted like a cornered wild animal between him and Shepard as he began to panic. "I damn well believed him!" Vladimir stammered, "I-I believed him..." They settled on Shepard, pleading, hoping she could understand his fear. "You don't know what he -" Vladimir raised a shaky finger to point at Zaeed, "- was like back then!" Shepard half expected for that finger to be broken the instant he pointed it at Zaeed, and maybe the wrist it was attached to, too, but the accusation fell on deaf ears. That or Zaeed was too engrossed in other thoughts to respond.

Vladimir spilled his story in a barrage of words. "Alice hadn't got her memory back, she was still recovering. I just wanted everyone to go away, to leave her alone! If she could _forget_ then maybe she'd be able to move on." He dropped his own face into his hands and whined quietly: "I wanted _you_ to leave her alone. I loved her ever since I knew her. Then you showed up and _I_ saw what she was getting into. I saw the risks!" His voice took on a different tone, and the timidity was burned away by angry conviction.

"And _you_ thought you were so _clever_ trying to hide your tracks..." He looked up at Zaeed, with hatred in his eyes. _Oh I don't like where this is going..._ thought Shepard warily, keeping a careful eye on Zaeed. "I _knew_ you cheated on Alice! I knew! You didn't deserve her – you never did! You're the reason it all happened!" To her surprise, and ever-growing worry, Zaeed did _not_ look up. The longer he held that rage in, the worse the explosion was going to be when he let go. Vladimir seemed either not to know this, or not to care. He seemed himself enraged, and in a surprising act of aggression for the man, Vladimir slammed his fist down on the table and rattled the mugs as he raised from his seat. "You and your guns and your bullies! With the sort of company you kept and the enemies you made I _knew_ it was coming and I couldn't stop them!"

Vladimir's fury burned out, and faded into _tears_... Shepard realised the event he was talking about, and felt ill. _He knew. He knew what was happening to Alice when it was going on..._ "I couldn't stop them..." Vladimir pleaded, tears spilling down his face. "I- I- All I could do was hide, and hope they didn't know I was there..." He sobbed and collapsed back down into his seat, his head falling into his hands – a broken man. "When they left they left her door open, so I went through the fire they'd started to save her... it was all I could do. And ever since then your _mate_ has hounded us with threats about what might happen if you found out where we were!"

Zaeed shoved away from the table and stood up, knocking the chair flying and Shepard honestly thought he was about to go on a destructive rampage. He'd turned to the window and stood there with his fists clenched. The silence was broken by the distant sound of Uhuru's calls to the chickens. Perhaps that's what stayed his temper. Slowly he turned, but the fury in his eyes withered, and he was left shaking. He'd gone a paler colour himself, and it was all he could do to breathe. He nodded, that was all, and he lifted the chair and put it back, sliding down into the gap to sit where he had sat before. _Guilt? _

Perhaps Vladimir seemed to understand then, that maybe Zaeed was no longer the person he'd thought he was. He continued his story, calmer now, gaining strength from the telling."We moved around a lot, jumping town whenever Vido turned up and said we should go. I told Alice it was the kind of employment I was in, and upping and leaving at a minute's notice was normal." Vladimir took a breath, and focused on one of the slightly larger scratches on the kitchen table.

"It was costly, but Vido said he'd cover some of the costs as he felt 'obliged' to help us because it was his mate putting us in danger. He said he could only ever restrain you so long though, then we'd have to up and move again. Then one day, maybe 20 years ago... He said we'd be safe if we came and stayed here - he said he had more power to protect us now and that he'd completely cut ties with you over some disagreement. He said that they'd make sure you didn't find us if we were willing to pay them a percentage of the harvest and livestock sales every year. Sometimes we'd not get as much as I hoped, so I used to give him any money I had spare from any extra work I got."

Shepard looked to Zaeed who just seemed paralysed, holding his palms to his eyes. She'd never seen someone faced with this kind of revelation. She had absolutely no idea what he was going to do. She had no idea what to say to ease whatever was going through his mind right now, and all she could think of was that she wished that Vladimir would shut the hell up... But they were both suffering. That was clear enough. The whole thing left Shepard feeling ill. Zaeed was right. Vido _should_ pay for what he did to these people. _And how many more..?_

"I never told Alice we were _running_, let alone that it was _you_ we were running from. I wanted to. She felt guilty for a long time about leaving you. We weren't together at the start. That didn't happen until a few years later. A-after she got past what she remembered of what happened – and you have no idea how hard those years were - she just wanted to forget and try to move on. I couldn't tell her she wasn't safe. I couldn't. I just couldn't! So I handled things... as best I could." Vladimir calmed down as he stared at the table, reliving his memories.

"You were a coward..." Zaeed mumbled quietly under his frown...

"He did the best he could. This man is no soldier Zaeed." Shepard didn't really mean to say what she was thinking, but at least she didn't snap. She looked to Vladimir again to continue.

"You're right. I _was_ a coward. Part of me was ashamed. But what could I do? I couldn't break that happiness, and I couldn't fight them off! He had the authorities in his pocket every step of the way!" Zaeed said nothing, only buried his head back into his hands. Vladimir resumed his story.

"Time passed, she got better. When Uhuru was born Alice was the happiest I'd ever seen her." Shepard quickly suspected she knew now why Uhuru had been given that name. _She was Alice's freedom. Their freedom. All they had._ Vladimir shook his head: "I couldn't spoil that. One day Alice started asking where all the money was going. In the end and I told her it was protection money – after all that's pretty standard for living in the Terminus Systems. She didn't approve but I wouldn't let her argue. I told her she was worth too much to me." Vladimir lifted his head and yelled at Zaeed: "I wasn't lying Zaeed! I loved her! I loved her... and I did the best I could..." He broke down again then, and Shepard wondered how many lives one man was capable of ruining. Then she remembered the Illusive Man, and _then _ she remembered that she herself had _worked_ for that xenophobic egocentric son of a bitch and felt even worse. _Tell you what – one day __he__ is going to pay, too._

Shepard had half-expected Zaeed to explode when he'd worked out that Vladimir had lied to Alice. She'd half-expected him to explode upon finding out that while Alice was being set upon by a group of thugs and held to the floor, this man cowered behind his front door. She half-expected him to go nuts upon being told he didn't deserve Alice. She had certainly expected him to fly off in a fit of rage to hunt Vido by now. Instead it just seemed like part of Zaeed had simply broken. He was only silent for a time, clutching his hands to his head so hard the tendons stood out on them. She tried to squeeze his knee in reassurance, to no response. Then she squeezed hard enough to hurt to see if he'd respond. There was just a momentary shift of his hands, as if he was about to pull them away from his face, then he didn't.

"Vido fed you _lies_." Zaeed rumbled low and quiet like thunder in the distance, muffled by his hands. "And I never knew Vladimir. I _never_ knew anything. First I even knew that Alice had survived that night was when I came across her obituary. And _Vido_... I'm going to guess he told you to come here and that he thought you'd be safe here around about the time he paid six of my own men to hold me down as he put a gun to my face and pulled the trigger." Shepard couldn't work out if he was too emotionally exhausted to yell that out, or if he was just so overwhelmed he was too numb to feel anything more than stunned.

There was silence for a while as Vladimir slowly took that in, and began to add things up. She watched the moment come and go where he realised that's why Zaeed looked differently to how he remembered. His expression grew stormy again, and he began to shake, his breathing haggard. "You never knew? So all this time... all the moving, _all_ the money... All the anxiety all the stress, barely having enough to feed Uhuru at times... It was all for what? Nothing?"

"My guess is _Vido's_ idea of a joke." Zaeed laughed a cruel laugh, but he wasn't laughing. Nobody was. Slowly he clawed his fingers down from his scalp over his eyes and cheeks before letting out a massive sigh. Staring at the table he picked up his mug and took a sip.

_That's right, _thought Shepard, _he finds out the same guy who blew his face off, also prevented him from finding out the woman that could have been the love of his life was still alive, and orchestrated the extortion of her and her family, for more than 20 years, and in response: Zaeed drinks his cup of tea._ Shock perhaps? Or was it a sign that he was even more unhinged by all of this than she expected him to be...

"You're right." _Well those are not the words I expected to hear._ Shepard raised her eyebrows in surprise. "I didn't deserve her. You're right. It was my fault. And I'm going to put it right, as best I can. I'm going to find that evil two-faced conniving son-of-a-bitch Vido – " Zaeed teeth were gritted and he spat with vengeance: " – and when I find him – because believe me I _am _going to find him –" Zaeed looked up at Vladimir, rage burning his eyes. "I'm going to _cut_ Alice's name into him. I'm going to bring you every penny he ever took from you." The rage was there. Oh yes. He looked up. "And I'm gonna make him _pay_ for what he's done. I'm going to make him pay..." What was unnerving was the volume of Zaeed's voice and where he was staring. He _wasn't_ shouting, he was scorning quietly... and he was staring at a rack of knives hanging up behind Vladimir's head. Shepard had a feeling he wasn't talking figuratively about name-calving.

Shepard began to feel as though maybe she _should_ have let Zaeed kill Vido back on Zorya. She'd made a pastime of shooting Blue Suns mercs over the past two years – they always seemed to be getting in her way whilst being up to no good. In fact come to think of it that was definitely the case. Maybe it was time to take them out once and for all: save herself and Zaeed, Vladimir and Uhuru, and the whole galaxy for that matter, a whole lot of trouble in the future. She took a sip of tea from her own mug.

"Mind if I join you? I think I'd like a piece of Vido myself." She slid her eyes sideways to meet Zaeed's.

Zaeed took the offer with another sip of his own tea, wishing it was pure alcohol, and went back to staring at the knives. He raised an eyebrow and smiled - it was not a pleasant smile. "A _piece_ I can do." He snarled with muscles drawn tight over clenched jaws.

Shepard then elected to take control of what was inevitably coming next. She knew their newly-fledged relationship couldn't cope with another Zorya but Zaeed was going to demand action, and all evidence considered, Shepard was inclined to agree. _What's the point of saving a galaxy if you let people like Vido get away with trying to ruin it? _ She turned to the second man she'd met to have a life ruined by Vido Santiago, and looked for a way to accomplish this new task. _Without collateral damage._

"Vladimir. They have to collect this money from you somehow – how do they do it?"

"Vido usually likes to do it in person."

"Sadistic son of a bitch. I bet he takes pleasure in it, knowing what he's done to you, what he's done to me." Zaeed snarled quietly, oh so quietly. Knowing his temper made his present behaviour very worrying. He was _not_ calm. He was _not_ collected. He was _not_ reasoning things through rationally, regardless how he appeared to look on the outside. He was about to snap and Shepard could tell.

_I better handle this._

"He doesn't come alone though." Vladimir looked at Shepard with worry returning, "Sometimes he brings maybe 7 or 8 others. They usually help themselves to some of our stock. It could be dangerous, and I don't want to risk anything happening to Uhuru."

"Still... that's our best chance." She looked to Zaeed, offering him the evidence he needed that something would be done, then back to Vladimir as Uhuru's humming became louder as she skipped into the hall and shut the door. "I'll find a way to be sure you and Uhuru are kept out of harm's way. When's your next pay day?"

* * *

_Author's note:_

_So. Now you know where we're going with this, and you're going to have to trust me that there's a lot more to come (in fact a whole other story to incorporate that happens *after* what you already know is coming has passed)._

_Apologies for being so slow to update. At the moment I'm thinking ahead and still pondering whether or not to factor in ME3 and it's ending to this story. Opinions on this will be appreciated. I already know the ending, and I think I can incorporate it. I won't be re-writing any of the story, simply skipping straight to Shepard meeting him and then to after the ending if I do it. It just depends on whether I pick a colour..._

_I could... *possibly* try to write it ambiguously so that it works with all three endings (assuming as I do that all three are valid options and not indoctrinated stuff, because you get the happy-grandpa-kiddie ending with all three colours AFTER the credits have rolled - be Shepard breathing or not). We'll be assuming that space magic fixes the Mass Relays, and all surviving associates are able to travel to see one another. Either way I definitely won't be writing the ending before the Ending DLC comes out._


End file.
